The three-day texting rule states that you should text your partner back three days after the date. After that, you can give up expecting to hear from them and curse their name forever. Is three days okay? It's unbelievable that people still do this. Three days is enough time to become famous, get pregnant, work out once, watch three Netflix series — that’s a lifetime.
As technology advances and my personal patience deteriorates, I now expect my dates to text significantly faster. The three-day wait was cancelled. The following alternatives to the three-day rule outline what events may occur and how much time can pass without my date texting me before I declare the relationship is over.
The 7 Minute Rule: If you don’t text within 7 minutes of me leaving the house, you clearly don’t care if I get to my Uber pool quickly enough to avoid cancellation fees, and I just shouldn’t be with someone so selfish together.
4 Retweet Rules: Look, I’m going to retweet you on your way out of the apartment (unless there’s an extraordinary, life-threatening situation like my phone dying). I will retweet you again when I get home. Maybe next time I pee. But if I get to my fourth little tweet — “People who still think pull-out methods work are canceled” — and you haven’t whipped out your phone and asked if I’ve looked at your LinkedIn 17 times, then you was cancelled.
The 6 Minute Rule for Browsing Self-Help Books: If I have time to look at self-help books online for more than 6 minutes before you check in, then don’t bother. Once I read "Why You Don't Need Men or Carbs," I became very attached to you and the lasagna I stole from your refrigerator. So you'd better ask me if I want to have dinner this week and/or if I follow your cousin on Instagram before I'm done browsing - and then you won't have a chance. Yes, I follow some of them. sorry.
The Two Taylor Swift Album Rule: Yes, I know she puts out albums at a breakneck pace, so I wouldn't blame you if one comes out before you get a chance to text me. I mean, she only gave folklore seventeen hours' notice - she could drop one and then announce it the next day. But if we get to album two and you don’t have the decency to ask if I reported your Hinge profile, thus kicking you off the site – well, you’re just not a good enough communicator for me to give you mine information. time.
3-IG-Stories Rule: If you have time to post three Instagram Stories but don’t have time to text me, “Hey, how did you get my sister’s address?” — it’s over.
8 Therapist Voicemail Rules: You Give Me Too Much Time I left 8 voicemails for my therapist about how every time I sleep with someone new they immediately leave and I just don’t know What's wrong with themselves, they seem unwilling to talk about engagement rings or our future joint checking account, even though it's been three weeks, will anyone love me like that teddy bear? Consider my love withdrawn.
The 5-Breakdown Rule: Before you text me, if I have a meltdown (glorified crying, TBH, it’s an unglorified orgasm, IMO), that’s okay. If only I had three more. I'm a grown woman who would be extremely proud of herself if she could make coffee without setting off a fire alarm, so yes, things sometimes malfunction . But if I'm having a nervous breakdown for the fifth time and you're texting me asking if I told your mom I'm your girlfriend, then I 'm never going to be your girlfriend (unless you, like, ask me to).
900-word email rules about the futility of dating: By the time I get home from your apartment, I'll probably have some thoughts about the social convention we call "dating." I might start putting them in an email to close friends, distant friends, professional acquaintances, the college football team’s mailing list, or your grandfather. However, if the email gets so long that it includes references to Gloria Steinem, Esther Perel, and Lana Del Rey—we're done.
Burn your name in effigy, curse the moment we met, create a voodoo doll of you that I won’t use but will keep forever. Three-day Rule: Sorry, but if you wait three full days, you’re kind of asking for it. Already?
I'm Better For a Date Than a Plate of Refried Beans: And Other Romantic Observations at Barnes & Noble
Excerpted from the book I'm Better for a Date than a Plate of Refried Beans: And Other Romantic Observations by Ginny Hogan . Copyright © 2022 Ginny Hogan. Printed with permission from Chronicle Books.
