Being madly, deeply in love is a magical feeling, which is why songs, books, and movies often center on this experience. But what about the opposite? We often don't hear what it's like to be out of love, and there's no clear road map for when your feelings for your partner start to change.
Maybe you're going through a rough patch and your relationship feels rocky, or maybe you're transitioning out of the honeymoon phase and no longer feeling excited. Either way, you're going to go through a lot of ups and downs in your relationship, and it can be hard to tell if you're just having growing pains or if you're actually falling out of love.
Before you break up, remember that it's natural to have doubts in a relationship, says psychotherapist and owner of Inspired Talk Therapy Liz Keeney, LPC. "It's completely normal for couples to experience 'winter' every once in a while and get on each other's nerves," she tells Bustle. People often wonder if there is a "better" person out there.
One way to show that you're still invested is that you'll be concerned about these feelings and that you'll want to find ways to improve your relationship. Rachel Wright, a licensed psychotherapist and sexual health expert at We-Vibe, says falling out of love is often a choice. You and your partner can decide whether to work on your relationship or opt out.
That's not to say one decision is better than the other (sometimes breaking up is really the best thing you can do), but it's up to you as a duo to decide how to move forward.
To help you figure it out, Bustle asked relationship experts how to gauge how you're feeling if you're constantly asking yourself, "Am I still in love?" Here are some signs you might not be a good fit, and what to do about them.
1. You can’t stop daydreaming about dating other people
It's one thing to notice an attractive guy on the street, but if you're suffering from full-blown mind-wandering syndrome, experts say you may want to get out of the relationship. Maybe you can't stop looking at other people, or maybe you downloaded Hinge "just to look at it."
Whatever form your wandering eyes take, these aren't signs worth ignoring, says licensed therapist Rachel Elder. She said that when you fall out of love, you tend to have a mentality of "loving the new and hating the old."
Of course, non-monogamy can be a good option for consenting and consenting couples, but there's a difference between wanting to date within your current relationship and not being interested in your current partner. Elder says if you've often wondered whether your life would be better with someone else, there's probably a reason for that.
2. The butterfly is gone
You can't expect yourself to be in love every day, especially when your relationship has moved beyond the honeymoon stage and you've returned to the realities of life. But if you don't feel any kind of excitement about your partner, take note.
All relationships require maintenance, so you may need to put in more effort to shake things up by setting aside quality time, sharing new experiences, or even making changes, says Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating expert at Double Trust Dating. Gotta be fun and entertaining. Improve your sex life by trying new things. But if you've made a concerted effort to rekindle your lost spark and still aren't feeling the butterflies, you may no longer be romantically involved.
3. You stop prioritizing them
If you frequently forget to respond to your partner's texts, if you make weekend plans without them, or if you can't be bothered to incorporate them into your vision for the future, take it as a sign.
“We all make time and space for the things we want,” says Stacey Sherrell, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert at Decoding Couples. "If you find yourself prioritizing all other relationships, hobbies, and obligations besides your romantic relationship, this may be a sign that you're falling out of love."
This doesn’t mean it’s bad if you have hobbies, friends, or want to spend some time alone. (These are all good things!) It's just that you shouldn't forget about your SO. "For any relationship to be successful, it takes effort and work on both sides," Scherer said. If you no longer want to, that's a clear sign that you're no longer investing.
4. Your sex life has become boring
Sexologist Dr. Jess O'Reilly says it's normal to have ups and downs in your sex life or to have different sexual preferences between you and your partner. This can happen for a variety of reasons: stress, physical health, or changes in relationship dynamics. But if you've completely lost interest and there seems to be no real explanation, it could be a sign that love has left the building. "Without sex, the relationship is very much just a friendship or roommate situation," Bennett added.
Licensed counselor Nawal Alomari suggests that a good litmus test is to ask yourself if you want to get that spark back. If so, then you can work together to improve your connection in the long run. If not, it may mean that your investment in the relationship isn't as romantic as you thought.
Wright says it may also be helpful to understand your own sexual baselines, as this can help you figure out what you're missing out on and why. Ask yourself, "'How do I take care of myself sexually?' or 'What is my relationship with sex?' "Start there and reconnect first," she tells Bustle. "Then look at the relationship and see where it doesn't align with what you want and what you're practicing."
5.You don’t want to hold hands
Everyone is different in how much (or how little) physical signs of intimacy they need, but be aware if you once held hands, hugged, and snuggled on the couch and now prefer to be alone.
"This question can be tricky because intimacy ebbs and flows in relationships, but if your intimate life has almost completely stopped and it's a problem for you but you don't have the will to fix it, then love may "Disappear," says Cheryl. "If one partner loses the desire or desire for intimacy of any kind, then a romantic relationship isn't that different from a friendship."
6. You are no longer best friends
It's natural for your partner to become your best friend—not just because you spend so much time together, but because there are many benefits to being each other's best friends, says Anita Chlipala, LMFT ) says, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: A Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love .
She says friendships can lead to greater relationship satisfaction, more commitment, and even better sexual satisfaction. This is because of how close you feel as a duo and how much you trust each other.
When you're in a relationship with your best friend, you turn to them for support, you tell them everything, and you develop a super special connection. "If you no longer feel like you can or want to ask your partner for help, it could be a sign that you're out of touch with your partner," Chlipala tells Bustle. "Couples can focus on their friendship and see if that helps, but if If it doesn't help, it might be time to end the relationship."
7. You prefer to open up to others
Sometimes, there are things you don't want to share with your partner, so you turn to friends, family, or a therapist to vent or seek advice. While this is totally fine, take note if you always seem to forget about your partner when it comes to opening up.
If you're falling out of love, you may find yourself confiding in someone else, says Dr. Monica P. Band. "You may find yourself doing things more independently rather than asking them for help," she tells Bustle. “It’s a way of disconnecting from them — no longer needing or relying on them in ways big or small.”
You may also notice that you suddenly prefer to keep secrets or hide your emotions instead of opening up to your partner like you used to. As Bender says, "You become more protective because you are subtly detaching yourself and your life from this person."
8. Their cute habits no longer look cute
Love can be all-consuming, especially in the early days when everything is new. If you're head over heels from the get-go, you might not notice that your partner chews loudly, that they keep spilling their coffee, or that they keep forgetting to use their eye mask. But if you're already out of love, you may only see these little quirks.
If you're with the right person, you'll find these troubled moments a little charming. However, if you fall out of love, you'll use it as an excuse to negatively impact your relationship, and suddenly all your patience will be gone.
Instead of seeing common misfortunes as funny, she says, you might feel angry, frustrated, or resentful. The less you like your partner, the easier it will be.
"When couples fall in love, they remember the last road trip they took when their car broke down as an adventure," Keeney tells Bustle. "When a couple is in trouble, they will retell the same story with anger, hostility, or finger-pointing."
9. Feeling like something is missing from the relationship
Another clue, O'Reilly said, was a nagging feeling that something was missing. There may be a lack of connection with your partner, or you may not feel fully involved in each other's lives. Even if you can't pinpoint the specific problem, this seed of doubt is enough to call your relationship into question.
If you're always unsure, O'Reilly stresses that there doesn't need to be a "real" reason for a breakup. If you're unhappy—or are constantly Googling "signs you don't love your boyfriend"—this might be all the answers you need. After all, staying in a relationship while you're distracted won't do you or your partner any favors.
There’s no need to wait until things go bad or become toxic before you leave. If you're not completely happy, give yourself permission to move on.
10. You’re unwilling to make changes
Whether your sex life is lacking or you realize you're not spending enough time together, there are many reasons why a relationship can lose its luster. Fortunately, Alomari says, most problems can be solved if you all make up your mind and agree to make changes.
When you have love, affection, and respect for each other, getting over the lows often just requires a fun weekend or a sexy date night. So if you have zero desire to reach out and make plans, consider this a red flag or the idea of "fixing" the relationship seems like a chore. According to Alomari, this is a clear sign that your heart is not in it.
11.You hold a grudge all the time
A relationship can feel stagnant, stale, or suffocated if one or both parties are holding on to past hurt feelings or issues. If you can't get over that fight that happened five years ago, take some time to think about why it still makes you so angry.
Did something happen that broke your trust and you feel you can't fix it? Have you said something that revealed who your partner is and you don't believe they've really changed?
It could also be that you did something wrong but you didn't care enough to make up for it, which is also important.
"You may feel like you've contributed a lot to the relationship, and you want to see your partner make an effort," Chilipala says. Whatever the case may be, it will definitely affect how you feel about the whole thing.
12. You are afraid of them coming home
Think about how you feel before you and your partner get home from get off work, or as you ride the subway to a Friday night date. If you're constantly filled with fear—and not just because you're tired or want to stay home—then that could be a sign that you're not in love.
Even if your heart or mind is confused, your body will usually tell you exactly what you need to know. Notice if your shoulders tense, if your stomach gets bubbly, if you pull out of a hug early, or if you grit your teeth at the thought of hanging out. Chilipala says these physical signs of trouble, stress or even fear may be all the information you need.
13. You start canceling appointments at the last minute
If you're afraid of seeing your partner, you might even start looking for ways to avoid them, says Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Jewish Family Services in Greenwich. Consider canceling appointments, setting your phone to do not disturb, or saying you are sick so they don't come.
"If you feel like you're actively looking for ways to distance yourself from your significant other, your feelings about that person have obviously changed," she tells Bustle. “You may desire someone or something.”
14. You wouldn’t mind seeing them again
Another way to determine if you still like your SO is to conduct some thought experiments. Chilipala suggests imagining being separated forever—like you broke up or they moved away—and how that mental image makes you feel.
If you're depressed, you may still have some love or hope for the relationship. Alomari points out that if you feel neutral, giddy, or even a little relieved about this assumption, it probably means you want to get out of the relationship.
"That's one of the reasons couples try to separate or take a break — they want to see if they miss each other," Chilipala tells Bustle. "Sometimes the fear of the unknown can lead couples to become complacent in a relationship that no longer works."
If you're on the fence about the idea of a breakup or separation, try imagining it first. Use your imagination to imagine what it would feel like and your feelings will start to clear up.
15. You are “sick”
Similar to annoying little habits and quirks, consider whether you are "sick" in other ways.
When you're madly in love, few things feel off-limits. You hug each other when you haven't showered, when you're in a bad mood, or even when you're sick, and that's because love often breaks down all types of boundaries. But Bennett says if you no longer feel comfortable doing this, it could be a sign that your attraction has faded — and your love may have gone with it.
16. You don’t want to take care of them
Speaking of illness, think about how you feel when caring for your partner. Do you want to bring them soup when they are sick? If they had a broken ankle, would you carry their bags? Or pick them up at the airport at 3 a.m.?
Loss of attraction is often closely related to lack of effort. "If you're not attracted to your partner, it could be because you're not paying attention or responding to them—or just don't feel like doing it anymore," says Chilipala. "The less emotionally invested you are, the less attractive you will be to your partner."
17. You don’t like what you have become
Sometimes it helps to focus less on how you feel about your partner and more on how you feel about yourself, O'Reilly says. If you find that your relationship has changed but you're not sure what to do, she recommends analyzing who you've become in the relationship.
Do you like the way you look around them? Do they bring out the best in you? Or do you barely recognize yourself when you’re together? If it's the latter, it could be a sign that you're unhappy with the relationship -- or that it's not the right fit for you.
While it often feels good to be in a relationship, consider whether the relationship is actually lifting you up, or whether it's bringing you down. "We're taught that we're not worthy of love," O'Reilly said. "So when someone comes along and likes us, that [feels] good enough." But one-sided admiration isn't enough for it to work long-term: You have to love yourself, too.
18. You have lost your purpose
When you're in a not-so-good relationship, you may start to neglect yourself in other ways. Because it takes so much effort to figure out whether you're meant to be or not, you may start to forget who you are. You won't have time to see friends, you won't feel engaged at work, and you may give up on hobbies that were once important to you.
A strong, loving partnership is like a solid foundation or a support network. When you know you have something good, you feel free to invest your energy in things outside of the relationship, and your SO encourages you to do the same. If you lose yourself, consider this a red flag.
19. You want to change your relationship
If you've lost love in a romantic way, it's probably because the relationship needs to transition into a new one, Wright says. Maybe you still want your partner to be an important part of your life, but as a friend rather than a lover.
Whatever the goal, Wright recommends communicating with your partner as soon as possible to see if they feel the same way. That way, you can figure out how to move forward together. For example, if you're interested in exploring non-monogamy, that doesn't mean you're opting out of the relationship, but rather transitioning it into a new one.
It can also be easy to fall back into friendship roles, where you're still an important part of each other's lives, but without the pressure of living together, paying bills, or thinking about marriage.
While many couples part ways for good after a relationship sours, Wright recommends asking your partner if they'd like to "reinvent" another role in your life. If they're okay with it, you might end up becoming a good friend—and you might as well stay in each other's lives.
20.You don’t argue anymore
People often think that fighting in a relationship is a bad thing, but in fact, it's OK to have a little bickering every now and then. Chilipala said it could even help with arguments.
Arguments may occur when you are trying to fit a busy schedule together or when the stresses of life overwhelm you. This can also happen when you defend yourself or clear up a misunderstanding. These things happen when you both show up as your truest, most complete selves. If you are in love, your respect for each other will allow you to reach a compromise.
It's only when you become apathetic that problems can arise, she said. If you no longer add your two cents to an argument, or if you no longer care about what your partner says or does, it may mean you've withdrawn emotionally.
Of course, there's a big difference between the occasional small argument or disagreement and a full-blown toxic fight, which is a problem in itself. If you lose your temper with each other, that's also a sign to leave.
21.You shoot very fast
On the other hand, you might notice that you're always in a bad mood, frequently lose your temper with your partner, or never have anything nice to say, Bender says.
When you're in love, you tend to have more patience and understanding with your partner. You're quick to assume the best about them, and it can take a long time for you to actually feel uncomfortable.
When your patience begins to wear thin, you may find that you are less kind and accepting. It's natural to feel nervous when you're not fully engaged or happy, and that's when you'll find yourself going from zero to 100 frequently.
22. You’ve outgrown your partner and they’re unwilling to grow
When you've been in a relationship for many years, both of you will naturally grow and change. Again, you should encourage each other to do this.
Still, if you've matured and learned, it can be annoying to find that your partner isn't doing the same, whether in their careers, friendships, or emotionally.
"I have worked with clients who went through a meaningful journey to grow and heal from their relationship trauma to become better in their adult relationships," Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Millennial says Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, founder of Lifestyle Consulting. But she said not everyone can match the energy.
"This can really lead to you looking beyond your partner and not finding a way to stay in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to look at themselves, get better, and understand their own attachment needs and tendencies," she told Buster.
23. You no longer want to commit
Be aware that if you cringe at the thought of making a long-term commitment to your partner or if you don't have the desire to do so in the first place, this may be a sign that you don't really feel that way about them.
Maybe you'd rather date just to have fun, or maybe you'd rather be completely single, and it's totally okay to admit that. Relationships also change over time, so you might think you want a partner when you meet, but then you realize it's not the right fit for you.
By the way, Chilipala points out that this can also be a sign of an avoidant attachment style, which may make you feel like you need to run away from someone as soon as things get better. If you suddenly change your mind about wanting to commit long-term, Chilipala says, you should be able to clearly articulate why.
If it's just because you're scared or because you don't want to get hurt, tell your partner. While you're figuring it all out, keeping them informed is the kindest thing you can do.
24. You shut up when talking.
Colleen Marshall, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and vice president of clinical care at Two Chairs, says relationship expert John Gottman According to Dr. John Gottman and Julie, there are four signs that a relationship won't last. Dr. Gottman: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
If you find yourself picking on your partner, viewing everything they do in a negative light, acting defensive when they try to talk, or shutting them out entirely, you're likely to break up soon— This is probably the best outcome. Of course, the reverse is also true. It makes perfect sense that you would fall out of love if your partner did these things.
In order to maintain a strong relationship, you need to be able to communicate clearly, especially when you are both upset. The best approach, says Marshall, is to use "I statements" to express your feelings rather than accusations. Saying "I get frustrated when our apartment is messy" may spark a healthy discussion rather than saying something more controversial like "It makes me angry when you are so sloppy."
It's also important to avoid getting defensive, and you can do this by taking responsibility for your half of the relationship. "You can also avoid stonewalling by taking a break, calming down and returning to the conversation later," she says.
Marshall says many couples who find themselves dealing with these four issues seek couples therapy, but if that doesn't interest you, or you can't seem to resolve these ongoing issues after seeking outside help, it's likely because you simply don't. You don’t want to expend effort doing this – otherwise you know it’s not worth it.
25. You can’t imagine growing old together
If you're in a relationship, you probably have a good idea of what your relationship will look like in one, five, or 15 years.
Gaby Balsells, LSCW, a highly accomplished individual and couples therapist, says if you can't imagine or don't like what you see, take it as a sign that you're no longer in love. "It could mean that part of the relationship is unhealthy, or that you're no longer meeting each other's needs," she tells Bustle.
Even if you were in a relationship a year ago, that may not be the case today, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. "You may feel like you grew up in a different direction than everyone else and that's irreconcilable," Balcells said.
It also doesn't mean the relationship failed, as not all relationships have to last forever to be considered successful. This may mean you're done loving and it's time to move on to the next chapter.
26. You start to see green flags as red flags
Anyone who's still single will tell you that green flags, or positive behaviors and traits your partner exhibits, are hard to come by right now. But if your partner's best qualities are starting to unsettle you, it's time to evaluate why you feel that way.
"When you're in love, you appreciate your partner's positive qualities and find their quirks endearing," says Devyn Simone, a matchmaker and Tinder's resident relationship expert. "But if you start to interpret these same traits negatively—such as seeing their preoccupation as clinginess, or their independence as disinterest—it could be a sign that you're falling out of love."
27. You always take out your phone on date night
You don't have a date night every day, so it stands to reason that you wouldn't choose to spend quality time on a screen every week unless there are serious underlying issues in your relationship.
"When you're in love, you're fully committed and committed to each other," Simone said. "But if you find yourself constantly checking your phone or being distracted by notifications while on a date, it could be a sign that you're losing interest."
28. You lose interest in romance
In short, the thought of being romantic and loving with your partner shouldn't make you queasy. So if you frequently find yourself no longer receptive to their advances, that "could be a sign that the attraction is no longer there," says Simone.
29. You enjoy time alone more than with your partner
Alone time isn't just for couples, it's necessary. That said, if you're no longer interested in spending time with your partner and would rather stay home alone every night, you should take it as a sign that you've withdrawn from the relationship.
"When you start dreaming about being alone instead of with your partner, it's not a good sign," Simon tells Bustle. "Especially after being apart for a while, whether it's a few hours or a few days, it's always a good sign that you're looking forward to seeing them again. If you find yourself drifting away from this feeling, it could mean you've fallen out of love ”
30. They failed the “road trip test”
Simon believes the "road trip test" is a good indicator of the status of your relationship. Of course, even the best of couples are bound to have a fight or two when they're stuck in a car with someone for hours on end, but as Simon says, "Even when you're together for a long time, being together The time should also feel relaxing and enjoyable. ” Just like a road trip. "So if the vibe is low before you even start the car, you may want to re-evaluate a few things.
31. Your future goals are inconsistent
You can only be with someone at a different stage of their life for a certain amount of time before you start to drift apart. "As we all know, life moves on and people change, and that's absolutely normal," Simon said. "However, if your goals start to no longer align, this often leads to tension between the two people." Even if the love is still there, it doesn't change the fact that you have separated and your ambitions have changed.
32. You don’t take them to see friends or family
Including your partner in your personal life should come naturally, so unless you're keeping them apart for a specific reason, it's time to evaluate why you'd rather hang out alone with friends and family than as a couple .
“Friends and family are so important,” Simon said. "If you're unsure about how your partner interacts with the people you love, this could be a red flag. If you're in a relationship but are afraid of hanging out with them and your friends or family, this could be a sign of trouble . A good relationship should feel like everyone can interact and mingle without any pressure.”
33. You don’t take the initiative to start a good time
Simone says relying on your partner to make plans or initiate sex is a clear sign that you're no longer involved in the relationship. "Love requires equal effort, and a lack of initiative may be a sign that the relationship is fading," experts tell Bustle.
34. You only like to be with people in a group setting
Even if your partner was great at the party, it's not normal to feel most comfortable around them when other people are around. "If you can only tolerate being around them when there are distractions (friends or activities like going to the movies or sporting events), that's a sign that this person may not be the right person for you," says Simon. "If the thought of one-on-one time with your current partner makes you sweat or roll your eyes — take it seriously."
35. You fight unfairly
No matter how happy you are, there will always be conflict in your relationship. But Damona Hoffman, a certified dating coach and author of "The F Fairytale," says couples who are on good terms don't use petty lovers' quarrels as an excuse to badmouth each other. According to experts, being "more focused on getting your sting and making [their] point of view understood" rather than finding common ground or reaching a solution is a good sign that you no longer want to continue the relationship relation.
36.You are too picky
Hoffman believes there's a big difference between complaining about a partner's quirks or qualities and criticizing them or even attacking their character. "To me, what this means is that trust and respect are eroded and very difficult to rebuild," the expert tells Bustle.
37. They bore you
Sometimes the most obvious sign is also the simplest: boredom. "When you're bored in a relationship, it's a sign that you've not only lost interest in what your partner has to offer, but you've also lost your own inspiration to bring more excitement to the relationship," says Hoffman. Yes, it's normal for long-term couples to fall into patterns or ruts, but if you can't shake that feeling after trying to keep things interesting, it's safe to assume that a lack of excitement isn't the problem.
38. You can imagine life without them
Perhaps the most obvious sign that you no longer love your significant other is being able to imagine life without them. If the thought of waking up in bed tomorrow without them by your side doesn't bring you a deep sense of sadness, then this is indeed all the proof you need.
expert:
Nawal Aromari, LCPC , Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Life Coach, based in Chicago
Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and dating expert at Double Trust Dating
Rachel Elder, LMHC , Licensed Mental Health Therapist
Liz Keeney, LPC, psychotherapist and owner of Inspired Therapy
Monica P. Band , Ph.D., trauma-informed licensed mental health therapist and owner of Mindful Recovery Counseling Services
Stacey Sherrell, LMFT , licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert at Decoding Couples
Dr. Jess O'Reilly , sex physician and ambassador for sexual health and sex toy brands We-Vibe , Womanizer and Arcwave
Rachel Wright , Licensed Psychotherapist and Sexual Health Specialist at We-Vibe
Anita Chlipala, LMFT , licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Come Come Come: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love
Holly Schiff, Psy.D. , licensed clinical psychologist at Greenwich Jewish Family Services
Liz Higgins, LMFT-S , licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Millennial Counseling
Colleen Marshall, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Vice President of Clinical Care at Two Chairs .
Gaby Balsells, LSCW , a solo and couples therapist with a heightened sense of fulfillment
Devyn Simone , renowned matchmaker and Tinder resident relationship expert
Damona Hoffman, certified dating coach and author of The F Fairy Tale
