While not every attractive person you meet is going to be a sociopath, if you feel like you're being manipulated, manipulated, or otherwise messed with by a very likeable (ie: cunning) person, you may be on your way to becoming one Victims of sociopaths. The mind games of sociopaths. Or, at least, you're troubled by people with these tendencies. Whether it happens in your relationship, work, or friendship, this can be an incredibly disorienting experience. Therefore, the more you know about a sociopath and the quicker you can get out of a manipulated situation, the better.
But first, what exactly is a sociopath? "Sociopaths fall into the category of Cluster B personality disorder," therapist Rev. Sheri Heller, LCSW, tells Bustle, adding that they are similar to psychopaths but tend to be less astute and graceful, making them easier to identify.
However, that doesn't mean they can't let you experience the proverbial ringtones. "Sociopaths are master manipulators, and they have a way of controlling the people around them," New York-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, tells Bustle. “The way you dress and the way you interact with someone can be influenced by a sociopath” without you even realizing it.
To help yourself stay away from toxic situations, here are some mind games sociopaths play and other ways to identify them, experts say.
1. They’re a little too charming
A classic characteristic of sociopaths is that they "use charm and manipulation to get what they want," board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan L. Edelman tells Busy. So if you're talking to someone, you might feel like they're a little too nice .
They have mastered the art of confusing others to achieve their goals. But one way to spot a lack of genuine kindness is to think about how it makes you feel. "At first, you may feel fascinated," Dr. Edelman says, "but later you may feel scared or confused."
It's important to trust your instincts, especially when meeting new people. If someone is "too" charming or friendly, you may want to get to know them more and take everything they say with a grain of salt.
2. They show zero remorse
Let's say you want to catch a lying sociopath. While most people will admit their mistakes and apologize, a true sociopath may go to great lengths to make you believe you were wrong.
"Over time, you will find that this person is prone to lying to others and has little or no empathy for other people's feelings," Dr. Edelman says. "They also show no remorse when they hurt others because they have no conscience."
That’s why, even if you expose their lie or tell them how much the lie affected you, it won’t necessarily stop them from telling it again. They certainly don't really care about the negative impact they create.
3. They blame you for everything
If you get blamed for everything—for example, your partner always tells you that arguments are 100 percent your fault—consider this a red flag. As Heller puts it, "If sociopaths are psychologically astute, [they] may use psychological concepts to naively pathologize their targets and portray [them] as unconscious instigators."
In other words, when dealing with a sociopath, nothing is their fault. They prefer blaming and manipulating others rather than admitting or apologizing for their mistakes.
4. They try to confuse you
One way sociopaths manipulate others is by confusing them and twisting words to their advantage—all in an effort to get them to do whatever they want. For example, "a sociopath may say something and then insist that he didn't say it," therapist Karen R. Koenig, M.D., clinical social worker, tells Bustle.
As a partner, the sociopath may deny acknowledging the fear and accuse you of making it up, Koenig says. As a boss, they may take credit for your success at work. As a coworker, they may spread rumors about you and act shocked when they learn about them.
These are all examples of sociopaths confusing the people they interact with as a form of manipulation.
5. They seem to enjoy playing with your head
Sociopaths show no remorse when messing with your head—they may even seem to enjoy doing it.
For example, Koenig said, they might insist that you tell your friend what's on your mind, and then when your friend feels offended, they'll show sympathy and side with you about how awful the friend treated you. This is one way in which a sociopath's manipulative behavior can play out. But unfortunately, there are many others.
That's why it's so important to recognize the signs that you're dealing with a sociopath so you don't fall into their game.
6. They cheer you on
Likewise, if you feel like you can't "win" an argument with someone, no matter what you say or how reasonable you are, this may be a sign of gaslighting - a tactic used by many sociopaths in order to confuse their victims.
"Gaslighters manipulate your words and then use them against you, so you end up saying, 'But I didn't mean to...' and keep trying to defend yourself," Koenig said. "The goal is to invalidate you and make you question your own sanity."
This again puts them in a position of power, which is exactly what sociopaths like.
7. They’re a bit of a threat
In order to control you, the sociopath may even make a threat or two. "Sociopaths often use threats to control you, such as threatening suicide or saying 'you will be sorry for your actions,'" says Hershenson.
They may also give off a threatening vibe because they are not sincere. It can be difficult to spot someone who is lying or manipulating those around them, and sometimes it all depends on their "vibe." If something feels negative, it probably is.
8. They flatter you constantly
A sociopath may do anything they can to win you over, which usually means compliments and flattering words. But if you know what to look for, you may find that these compliments are insincere.
"Compliments feel good, but flattery from [a sociopath] can feel like too much," Hershenson said. "Instead of saying they enjoy being around you, a sociopath may say, 'You are the most amazing person I have ever met and I can't imagine life without you,' even if you have only known them a short time time. "
Again, it all comes down to trusting your gut. If a person or situation seems too good to be true, then they're probably not someone you want to get too close to.
9. They lie and cheat
Random, blatant, but completely nonstop lies are a huge sign of a sociopath, especially when the lie helps the person achieve an important goal.
"People with sociopath tendencies lack remorse or respect for others," clinical psychologist and internet radio show host Dr. Joshua Crapo tells Bustle. "They are driven by what drives them to achieve their goals, and they don't follow the same ethics and 'right and wrong' rules as you do."
When it comes to sociopaths, they don't follow the usual rules of behavior and therefore may give off a strange vibe.
10. They justify illegal behavior
Because sociopaths (or even people with sociopath tendencies) can only focus on themselves and their own needs, they rarely think twice before breaking the law. In the process, they may even try to cover it up by manipulating your reactions.
"They will break rules and laws with strong reasons and try to convince you that if you can't see what's going on, there's something wrong with you ," Dr. Crapo said. Sociopaths will never admit that they have done anything wrong or that they are defective in any way. If breaking the law benefits them, they will focus on that.
11. They will appear very sincere
The tricky thing about sociopaths is that they are very good at lying, so they are very good at appearing to be completely sincere when trying to get their way. Unfortunately, this may include using their talents to appear sincere—even if they aren't actually sincere.
"Their methods can be quite sophisticated," Dr. Crapo said. "You may think they are sincere and then turn around to find they have manipulated your kindness and trust. Lying, manipulation and seduction to get you to connect with them are all games sociopaths play."
12. They treat you differently
"If they seem to be deeply, emotionally attracted to you but don't have a good reputation among other people, these are warning signs," says Dr. Crapo. For example, you might notice that someone is not acting well at work. Popular, but for some reason they are very friendly towards you.
"Keep your eyes open and pay attention not only to how they treat you and what your interactions with them are like, but also to how others view them," Dr. Crapo says. This can be a big clue that helps you see past their appearance.
13. Things that “just don’t feel right”
When dealing with a sociopath, you may not be able to pinpoint exactly what is “wrong” with them. But that feeling, that gut feeling that something was wrong, is likely still there.
"For a sociopath, the feeling that 'something's not right' may be your first and only warning sign," says Dr. Crapo. "Believe it."
Because if something feels weird and you think you're being lied to, manipulated, or manipulated, it's probably true. For sociopaths, this is what they are good at. Anyone can fall prey to the toxicity of a sociopath, but being able to spot the signs can make it easier to keep yourself safe.
This article was originally published on October 24, 2017. Updated on June 5, 2019.
