If you have Tumblr and like unflattering dark lipstick, then you might be a little fond of The Craft and its craziest moments . MAC's Sin lipstick is seriously caked on my mouth as I type this, so you can rest assured that I'm part of the party. But as much as I enjoyed it, I have to admit that this cult gem is a mid-90s mess of snakes, murder, and the worst kind of teen angst. So for that reason it ended up being a bad movie to rewatch this week.
New girl Sarah (Robin Tunney) joins a makeshift coven of witches led by charismatic goth Nancy (the amazing Fairuza Balk), insecure Burn It consists of the victim Bonnie (played by Neve Campbell) and the revenge-hungry Rochelle (played by Rachel True). With their combined powers, however, sadly, they tamper with cosmic powers in order to make their lives exponentially better, all at a cost (sader still, Nancy ends up becoming a psychopath.)
Then again, I don't necessarily think The Craft is a bad movie. You know when I think something is a bad movie. Witches are definitely one of my favorite things, hands down. But while The Craft has a lot of quirks, and plenty of them, it has to be noted.
So enjoy these chronologically recorded crazy things from this truly magical piece of work called The Craft :
1. This coven conference may be sponsored by Pier One Imports.
Your one-stop shop for holiday candles that make summoning demonic forces beautiful.
2. Sarah and her dad arrive at their new home to find water leaking from every orifice.
This will be the last time they use Craigslist.
3. Tony, the perpetually angsty '90s teen, looks the same as he does today in "The Crazy Ones."
A bit of a win or lose, because even with the plastic barrettes and knee-high socks, she looked about 30 years old - but that was definitely a plus today.
4.This. Landmark. the 90s. Soundtrack.
Everything that plays is like a forgotten grunge band with the embarrassing name, Letters to Cleo, or someone doing an offbeat cover of a dreamy 80s song and renaming it Ultimate 90 era riff for the trailer for everything from the opening credits of Charmed onwards to Cruel Intentions.
I'm not kidding.
5. "God, I thought it was Satan. Oh, my God, Jesus Christ. Is she watching? Oh, God."
Real photos of everyone I went to middle school with.
6. The noose in Nancy’s locker.
I also absolutely hated school.
7. "I'm busy. Football training. You can come over and have a look."
"…Yes, no."
8. Everyone’s hair.
Rochelle wears a plastic baby clip. Nancy, the punk rock badass, is wearing a blue tie to hold her braids in place. Sarah doesn't know what a brush is, and I'm pretty sure Bonnie doesn't shower for the first half of this movie.
9. “He spreads disease. I speak from personal experience.”
Filed under: "An introductory line that's really more appropriate for your gynecologist's office."
10. “Everything in nature steals.”
"Oh my gosh, that's the whole basis of 'swipe, no swipe'."
11. "Do you like my head?" "Yeah, it's a nice head. It's nice. It looks good for kissing."
Uh, God, uh, no, stop.
A lot of terrible things have happened to this guy, and he deserves it all.
12. In this iconic photo, everyone wears stylish colorful sunglasses and $12 bohemian dresses bought from a smoke shop on the Seaside Heights boardwalk.
☾ ✞☯ Follow for more soft grunge ☯ ✞☾
13. Then they drank each other's blood.
Kids these days.
14. After popularizing witchcraft and spells, they played the same game every giggling sixth grader plays at sleepovers.
Wearing your damn work clothes, no less.
15. "Her spell wasn't working. I don't know. I think she didn't want to be white trash anymore. I told her, 'You're white, honey. Just face it.'"
K.
16. But no, Nancy's spell was actually an attempt to gain the powers of her stepfather, Darth Vader.
So this happens.
17. Nancy's mom made straight-up pterodactyl noises when she learned she was inheriting $175,000.
I feel you.
18. Sarah’s crazy witch power is...the ability to dye herself dark hair?
Oh no, it's cool that she can go full bleach blonde without killing every hair follicle.
19. Nancy Christ.
Next up is "Criss Angel: Mindfreak "...
20. This unfortunate Sharknado.
What a tragedy. Also, are there any signs?
21. Nancy does some amazing ballet moves when she’s angry.
Truly stunning work, I was truly moved by her performance.
22. This world without.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
23. When the fight reaches its climax, Sarah and Nancy drop the advanced witchcraft and magical elements and just have a classic fight.
Including cartoonish slaps.
24. That awkward moment when you have to apologize for almost killing your friend.
"So we'll calm down?"
"We're cool."
Image: Netflix/Columbia Pictures (41), Giphy (4)
