When I tell people I live with my sister, people say, "That's cool." And then, almost always: "My siblings and I will never be able to do this."
In 2021, at the end of my relationship while living out west with my partner, I returned to New York and began apartment hunting with my sister. The two-bedroom we found in Park Slope, Brooklyn, felt great: spacious, recently renovated, and suspiciously priced, with lots of light and the bedrooms being as far apart as architecturally possible.
We later learned that the landlord, after whittling the pile of applications down to two, asked the tenants above if they wanted to share the building with a sister or a couple. Our neighbor had a fraternal twin sister and he chose us.
"The great thing about siblings is that you know each other very well," says generation expert Lynn Lancaster. "You know where they're going to harass you, and you know how you get along." You're more likely to stand on your tiptoes when you're with roommates and friends. "But to a brother or sister, you can say, 'You're such a pig. Could you please put the food away?'"
During the first year my sister and I lived together, our arguments were infrequent but devastating. The debate over emptying the dishwasher finally erupted over an incident that occurred in early childhood. After a particularly disastrous argument, I dragged myself to a party with my face so swollen from crying that a lawyer friend asked me if I had experienced some kind of botched facial injection and needed legal support.
What it means to “grow” and make a home is changing.
Still, two and a half years later, our relationship has become closer and more in sync. This success made me wonder if there were others like us. According to a 2024 report from co-buying and co-ownership platform CoBuy, 39% of co-ownership arrangements include relatives. CoBuy co-founder and COO Pam Hughes estimates that number is growing, both out of necessity and because many people — especially millennials — are putting off or choosing to give up. Milestones like marriage and children.
As of 2017, nearly 79 million adults in the United States lived in "shared households," meaning they included an "extra adult" such as a friend, adult sibling, or roommate. That number has increased by more than 20 million since it was first measured in 1995. It’s clear that what it means to “grow up” and start a family is changing.
So who are these people who are tired of living with strangers and just want to live with someone who shares about 50% of their DNA and doesn't care if you pee with the door open? I decided to find them.
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In 2018, Blair lived in a "unicorn apartment" in Brooklyn Heights: a shockingly underpriced two-bedroom on a tree-lined street. When her best friend moved out, she and her brother Kip went out for wood-fired pizza and had a "very adult conversation" about what living together might be like.
This isn't the most far-fetched idea. As children, they shared bunk beds for years. Both are single and they have a "hard and fast" ground rule. "None of us could bring anyone home to hook up with each other if the other person was home," said Blair, now 32. "We literally shared a wall."
Kip, a recent graduate who is partying, bartending and studying for the Law School Admission Test (LSAT), said it was nice to have an excuse not to bring his budding love interest back to his apartment. The now 29-year-old describes that period as a "pretty crazy time" in his life. "It's really comforting to know that [I'm living with] someone who is reliable and whom I enjoy spending time with."
"It felt really natural for us to be sitting on the couch, cold sober, laughing our butts off, because that's how we grew up," Blair said. Their favorite part was when Blair voiced an older, genderless character who would complain in a weird Brooklyn accent that they couldn't find the night guard. At the same time, Kip would use gestures to materialize the character. This playfulness between siblings feels more natural than friendships in later life.
"It didn't translate very well," Blair said, "but it did make us laugh."
Neither of them had any negative memories of living together, except for Kip accidentally hitting Blair in the shin with his new skateboard. "You went from a sibling that I felt very close to," he told his sister, "to one of my best friends."
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In 2020, when Barb and her sister were both newly single, the 30-somethings moved into an apartment in Bloomfield, New Jersey, with Raven's then-toddler son, Nuggie. They expect the arrangement to last a year or two.
Four years later, Babu became Najib’s parents. “I couldn’t do this without her,” Raven said. "She knows his day-to-day life just like I know his day-to-day life. It's like having an extra mom in the house... She spoils him rotten."
When Barb was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022, Raven said, "There was no question that I was ready. She was going to be my No. 1 priority."
To save money, the three moved to Barb and Raven's childhood home in Newark, a large blue house surrounded by two hibiscus trees named Jolene and Jasper. "It's hard to watch a brother or sister go through (something like this)," Raven said. "She was crying. I would come over and [say], 'It's going to be okay.' "Then I would go downstairs and cry, and then go upstairs [and say], 'What can I do for you now?'"
This support is vital. "She changed my drains, bathed me, fed me, encouraged me and took care of me," Barb said. Without Raven's help, Barb said, "I don't know where I would be on the other side of this journey."
This kind of family-like care doesn't always exist in the United States. “What we’ve learned from this pandemic is the importance of interdependence,” Lancaster said. “I think community is good for humanity.”
Barb is now recovering and is preparing for his final surgery. "How are we going to celebrate your victory then?" Raven mused. They had been talking about traveling. "Every plan was... you and me, you and me. I'm very happy about it."
An acquaintance once remarked, "It's a bit like a halfway house between living with your parents and living on your own." There seemed to be some kind of gateway to adulthood, something deeper than being asked to face the profound before coffee every morning. The reality is even more daunting. Deeply ingrained childhood patterns that most people only face during annual holidays and family gatherings.
When I tell people that I live with my sister—which I always do in an almost confessional way that makes her angry—some people react as if I'm admitting that I'm fundamentally incapable of taking care of myself.
An acquaintance once remarked, "It's a bit like a halfway house between living with your parents and living on your own." There seemed to be some kind of gateway to adulthood, something deeper than being asked to face the profound before coffee every morning. The reality is even more daunting. Deeply ingrained childhood patterns that most people only face during annual holidays and family gatherings.
Motherhood—specifically, my inability to stop doing this—has been my sister’s and my biggest obstacle. It was also a challenge for Jabrea nearly three years ago when she left Iowa and moved into a two-bedroom with her sister, MaKayla, in Prospect Lefferts Gardens, Brooklyn. At first, she said, she was constantly trying to "restore the older sister/younger sister dynamic." "I said, 'Girl, we're adults...I can do the dishes, don't worry. I got it.'"
This pattern weakened over time and discussion. Now, their birth order is most evident in the way they spend their money, with MaKayla, 30, often trying to convince Jabrea, 25, to buy stylish investment pieces for their apartment. Jabrea often says no, preferring lower-budget pieces that embody "more of a cluttered, knick-knack style."
This aesthetic tension resonates with me; I had an early argument with my sister when she brought home a pile of decorative gourds. "Look what I brought to us! " she declared, as if one day in my life I felt like something was missing from my living space, a pile of fleshy, lumpy, non-functioning objects. fruits.
Like us, the Iowa natives are growing closer. While Makayla sets boundaries when it comes to caring for Jabrai's cat, Monday — that is, she doesn't — does enjoy petting her. MaKayla is an opera singer, and unlike her imaginary roommate, who might be less invested in her career, Jabrea doesn't mind listening to her practice. "I work from home, so sometimes I'll get a call and I have to say, 'I'm in this meeting; you can't sing. But other than that I don't care,'" she said. “She could sing any time.”
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Many of the siblings I interviewed described their co-living situation as temporary, a liminal phase between roommate intrusion and the ultimate goal of creating their own nuclear family.
Lancaster, a baby boomer widow, lived with her sister for eight months after her husband died. "It was a safe (and comfortable) place for her to work through her loss and re-enter the next phase of her life," said Lancaster, now 64. It had been 45 years since they last lived together.
The Villalobos Brothers, now a Grammy Award-winning band, have lived together for 13 years in a shabby Victorian-era artists' colony in Marble Hill, the Bronx. After studying at different universities, reuniting the three brothers under the same roof allows them to rediscover each other's identities as adult musicians. “That’s how we started developing our sound as a band,” recalls Beto Villalobos, 41. "It's really priceless."
For others, the trajectory is less clear. “How long do you think this is going to last?” my sister asked rudely not long ago when I expressed my reticence about her taking a job that required moving. (She declined a few days later.)
"I don't know," I lied. In fact, I'm thinking of Ann Napolitano's novel Hello Beautiful, in which two of the four sister protagonists live in a "super duplex," a side-by-side house large enough to house a partner, children , pets and wandering lovers. Those, with internal speaker systems.
This whimsical setting is more than just fiction. Barb and Raven's brother live in the same town and recently mentioned that he and his partner were considering moving in with them.
“It’s going to be a house full of craziness,” Raven said. "But I'm here for this."
