When a relationship fails, there are usually some very obvious signs, such as arguments, verbal abuse, and increased time spent apart. But it's not always obvious when things are getting unhealthy (and they may be over quickly). Sometimes a relationship will show subtle signs that it is falling apart. While these symptoms are easy to ignore, it's just as important to recognize them if you want to save your relationship.
But remember, some relationships are just too toxic to be worth sticking with. But if your relationship is worth saving (i.e., it has some redeeming, healthy qualities, or you're just going through a rough patch), rest assured, there are things you can do.
If something doesn't feel right or you notice some changes, talk to your SO first and lay everything out on the table. "Communication is key," says New York-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW. "Talk to your partner in a relaxed environment and commit to taking steps to make a change. People will feel comfortable and want to avoid conflict. However, the only way to change things is to fix the problem." Here are some signs that it might be time to re- Assess what went wrong so you can work together to correct it.
1. You have stopped arguing (or never started it)
While this may sound like heaven on earth, it's actually not a good sign if you and your partner never argue. "This...suggests that you are either uncomfortable or unaware that you are molding yourself into a carbon copy of another person," psychologist and radio host Dr. Joshua Crapo tells Bustle. In order for a relationship to work, you both need to be able to argue and speak your mind.
2. You let each other get away with it
Likewise, it's unhealthy to let your partner upset you by not saying anything just because "you love them." Because, it turns out, there is such a thing as "too tolerant." As Crapo says, "It's basically letting your frustrations and compromises accumulate so much that you lose yourself in the process. You no longer have the life you want but rather tolerate them life." But that's not as sweet as it sounds.
3. They ignore you in some small way
A long-lasting relationship requires two people to always consider each other. So, yes, you should be worried if your partner suddenly moves into single life. "They feed themselves and don't include you in dinner plans. They no longer add your laundry to their laundry. They don't put your mail neatly in folders like they used to ," couples counselor Erin Wiley tells Bustle. "Stop doing simple little things for each other when we're in a strong relationship is a good sign that your partner is no longer as invested as they once were."
4. Go from zero to sixty with your argument
Again, argument is a good thing. But if they're too harsh in the first place, it could be a sign of a problem. "It's a cause for concern when your partner who has raised concerns or conflicts in a fairly peaceful way in the past starts having an intense, difficult discussion and becomes angry from the first words spoken," Wiley says. "There may be an underlying feeling of contempt brewing that is not being recognized, expressed and addressed."
5. You don’t seem included in future plans
If you stop and think about it and realize you haven’t heard about any vacation plans, take note. If things are going well, "[our partners] may start planning future activities that don't include you: vacations, trips with friends, things you've been involved in in the past," relationship expert Stef Safran explain.
6. They are no longer as available as they once were
While you don't have to do everything together as a couple, you certainly want to be involved in their lives. So if you notice they are no longer around, speak up. As Safran told me, they might spend more time with friends or take longer to get home from get off work. This may be a way to establish themselves outside of the relationship because they know it will end soon. Or, a way to avoid problems at home.
7. You’re not that close anymore
As Beverly Hills psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish told me, you'll notice a growing distance between you and your partner. "You now have a sense of chasing [them] or trying to grab and hold [their] attention, whereas before there was no effort at all." In other words, you feel a little ignored. That won't work.
8. You haven’t had sex in a long time
As a long-term relationship continues, sex may decrease, but be aware that if one day you look up and it's been... well, you're not even sure how long it's been since you last had sex. As Walfish says, "The first symptom of a failed relationship is the loss of sex. When communication goes awry, sex wanes."
9. Or, you’ve been having sex.
If all you two want is a great sex life, think again. "If the sex is great but there's little emotional connection and little quality time together, then your relationship has a slim chance of surviving," says Hershenson. "Sex is just one part of a good relationship." So. , don’t think things are “great” just because you’re in bed a lot.
10. You spend 24/7 together
Again, a healthy relationship doesn't mean the two of you spend every waking moment together. "It's important to have your own interests outside of the relationship. Spending time with friends and having your own hobbies will only make you a better person and more present in the relationship," says Hershenson. So make this a priority or your relationship is headed for disaster.
11. Their jealousy is out of control
If you or your partner are the jealous type, this could take a toll on your relationship—and could even mean things are over. So, do they get jealous over every little thing? "These are all signs of an insecure person who is struggling to share you and your time with others," Wiley says. "This is an unhealthy sign that the relationship may not last."
These subtle signs are all tiny symptoms of relationship failure, or problems that may be causing things to fail. Speak up as soon as you spot them. If the relationship is worth saving, you and your partner can work together—through open communication—to make things healthier.
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