Former child star Janet McCurdy is known to iCarly fans as the sarcastic Sam Puckett. But behind the scenes, she struggled with fame, an abusive mother and an eating disorder. In an excerpt from her memoir, I'm So Glad My Mom Is Dead , McCurdy describes what she really thought during their first kiss on set . Love Carly .
Our lips touched. His mouth moved, but I couldn't. I'm freezing to death. His eyes are closed. Mine is not. My eyes were wide open, staring at him. It's so weird to stare at someone when your faces are touching. I do not like it. I can smell his hairspray.
"Janet, turn your head again!" the Creator yells off camera.
Sometimes, a producer or director will yell off-camera even as the cameras are rolling. Editors can remove the shouting in post-production as long as the dialogue doesn't overlap.
I tried to do what the Creator told me, I tried sincerely, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My body stiffened. Be steadfast. My body was rejecting my thoughts. My thought is, who cares if it's your first kiss, your first kiss is on camera. End it. Do as you are told. My body was saying no, I don’t want this. I didn't want my first kiss to be like this. I hope my first kiss is a real first kiss, not the first kiss on a TV show.
I despise the romantic part of myself. I'm embarrassed about this. My mom told me very clearly that boys were a waste of time and would only bring me down, and that I should focus on my career, which I got. So I tried to force it away. But as much as I tried to push it away, the romantic part of me remained. It's been around for a while. Sometimes I wonder about boys. What it would be like to love someone.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me. I fantasized about watching the fireworks at Disneyland together, holding hands together, resting my head on his chest, and laughing together. I used to be curious about kissing. How it will work. This is something you can't practice ahead of time. It just happens at some point. Do you just let it go? Is it difficult? What do your lips taste like? These are questions that right now, at this moment, I have answers to.
You try to go with the flow, and if you were my partner Nathan, it seems like you could. But if you were me, you couldn't. If you were me, you would just be thinking about every little thing that's going on, your mind is racing, and you can't wait for it to be over. It's hard. Tastes like Blistex lip balm on lips.
I started to wonder if this would all be different if I loved this person. Maybe that's the secret ingredient. The missing piece. Maybe if I were kissing someone I loved, it would be magical and incredible instead of this horrible feeling of anxiety.
"Cut!" the Creator yells off-camera, his mouth full. I heard his footsteps walking towards us, holding a paper plate piled high with slices of cheese and unwrapped mini candies. The crew parted like the Red Sea, allowing the Creator to pass through them and come to us.
The Creator looked me straight in the eyes, but said nothing for four or five seconds. I almost laughed, thinking he was probably just teasing me like he did sometimes, but then I realized there was a deep anger inside him. Now is not the time to laugh. Finally, he spoke.
"Janet. More. Head. Move."
He turned and walked away.
"Why don't we get out!" he shouted.
The camera rolls. Let's start the scene. I don't even know what came out of my mouth, but I believe they must have been written on paper because no one stopped me and told me I was gibbering. It was an out-of-body experience, complete with the pre-kiss scene. My heart is racing. My hands are clammy. It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.
We lean in. Our lips touched. Lips feel disgusting. They're like thick, big lumps of meat. What a disgusting person to be.
Shoot, I should move my head. I started moving it. back and forth. back and forth. I shake it. It doesn't feel natural, so I'm sure it looks unnatural. Freddie, played by Nathan, eventually breaks away from reality.
"Cut!" the Creator shouted. I could tell from his tone that he was unhappy. He looked at the assistant director.
"Do we have time to do it again?!"
"Not really sir, if we want to finish on time we have to go to scene J."
"Okay," he said angrily. "It's not ideal, but it's good and we'll move on. I'll be crafty!"
The Creator storms off for crafty chips, bagels, or minestrone. I watched him go. I'm sorry I didn't make him happy.
"Hey, we're done," Nathan said kindly, knowing how nervous I was about my first kiss with him on screen.
"Yeah," I smiled nervously. "We're done."
Just like that, my first kiss ended. Technically, there was also my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh kiss because we did it seven times.
Copyright © 2022 Waffle Cone, Inc. Excerpted from Jennette McCurdy's forthcoming book I'M GLAD MY MOM DIED, to be published by Simon & Schuster, Inc. Printed with permission.
