While it's normal to argue with your partner, fighting every day in a relationship or arguing about certain topics, such as your core values, shouldn't be ignored. In fact, experts say some common relationship struggles mean you probably should break up with your partner. But how many arguments is normal in a relationship?
As psychotherapist Cherrelle N. “Juice” Shorter, LCSW-S, points out, research by Dr. John Gottman found that 69% of conflicts in relationships are never-ending, meaning the problem is rooted in the relationship between the individuals involved. fundamental differences between them. "There are some things that couples won't agree on," Short said. "While this may be foreboding for some, many people find comfort in realizing that conflict is not unique to their relationships. If handled correctly, conflict can foster mutual understanding and empathy , and can promote an overall sense of unity or 'unity'."
While fighting with your partner isn't always a sign of the end, how you fight, how often you fight, and what you fight about can have a huge impact on the longevity of a relationship and its eventual failure. Fear of confrontation by one or both parties can also affect how disagreements are handled. "A lot of times, the conflict in our heads is much worse than it is in reality," attorney and conflict resolution coach Nance L. Schick previously told Bustle. "Our brains play tricks on us by triggering the amygdala's fight-or-flight response when there is no immediate threat of harm." This experience of fight-or-flight can even lead to minor conflict escalations.
According to Short, many couples struggle to know how to handle conflict in an effective way, which results in frequent spats over the same issues. "This revolving door of conflict can leave one or both partners feeling neglected, and if it goes on long enough, it can lead to a breakup, or at least general dissatisfaction with the partner and the relationship," Short says.
If you and your partner are fighting over a lot of important things—like fidelity, money, marriage, life goals, jealousy, and more—now might be the perfect time to test whether the relationship is actually working. Experts say if you're fighting for any of these 19 reasons, it might mean you should consider breaking up.
1. When one partner is frequently dishonest
Sure, there's the occasional white lie (e.g., "Baby, your new haircut looks great"), but for the most part, couples should strive to be honest with each other. If you and your partner frequently fight because one of you is being dishonest about big things—like where you spend the night—the signs could point to a breakup.
"Relationships thrive when there's collaboration and a mutual exchange of curiosity and admiration," relationship coach Sarah Russell tells Bustle. "If someone acts one-sidedly and is too focused on themselves to consider your experiences and feelings, you might consider why you want to stay in the relationship and whether it's worth staying." Always leave room for open and honest communication , without judgment or shaming, reduces the chance of dishonesty on both sides.
2. When you and your partner want different things from the relationship
When you and your partner find yourself constantly fighting about what's next, it's time to take a closer look at whether you're with the right person. While it's common to have unique personal goals, there are some factors that won't turn out well if they vary too much. "Couples will inevitably have arguments and disagreements, but these are not necessarily the reasons for a breakup," registered psychologist Dr. Chloe Greenbaum tells Bustle. "However, if two people discover that they have fundamental, irreconcilable, and immutable differences on important values, which may include topics such as monogamy and the desire to have children, then they should reconsider their relationship ”
To prevent major conflicts later, it's best to identify your non-negotiables at the outset and make your vision for the future relationship clear. This ensures that you and your partner aren't on two completely different pages and can help prevent an ultimately hurtful breakup.
3. When you feel your values have been compromised
When you feel like your values are being compromised in your relationship and you start to have arguments, that's an important sign. As Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha's Table Matchmaking, tells Bustle, "No two people need to copy each other, and it's certainly okay to have different opinions on certain topics, but if you're not finding it if you're raising kids, If there's a common ground on values like trust, loyalty, and family, it's hard for the relationship to last." If you start to feel like you're making all the compromises and your partner isn't compromising on you, this can lead to resentment. When you're cool-headed, it might be a good idea to have a conversation with them about these different values and how you can go about making them work in the long term.
4. When one of you has jealousy or control issues
There's a reason jealousy has a bad connotation - it can damage a relationship in a big way. Arguments caused by jealousy can lead to a breakdown in the relationship and can even lead to controlling behavior. As licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. David Simonson tells Bustle, "If you're constantly struggling with a sense of control in a relationship, you shouldn't be together long-term. This usually means your partner is having trouble with themselves. There's no confidence and a need for control in order to feel better about yourself." It may take some time, but talking about these jealousies and insecurities with a mental health professional may be necessary for you or your partner to heal and release the need for control.
5. When your future goals are completely inconsistent
When two people have different hopes and desires, it can be difficult for a relationship to overcome it, especially when it starts causing huge arguments related to the topic. For example, money is often the source of problems for many couples. This can cause problems if one partner wants to save for a future with children and a nice house, while the other partner wants to spend the money on travel or material items. "If you find yourself constantly being asked about how you spend your money, you need to get out of the relationship," Simonson says. "You need to find someone who is financially compatible with you. If not, your relationship will constantly be in flux. Arguments and hurt.”
While some goals are simply incompatible, compromise is possible if you and your partner can find enough common ground on where you want your future to go. Try sitting down and having a conversation where you both list your most important goals and see where you stand.
6. When one of you doesn’t put in the time
Do you and your partner often fight over the fact that friends, work, and hobbies take precedence over spending time together? If so, the relationship may not last. As matchmaker and relationship expert Susan Trombetti tells Bustle, "Relationships take time and commitment, and just saying you're committed isn't going to cut it. If your partner wants to spend time working overtime or with Friends are out instead of you, and they may not be as serious about the relationship as you are. However, this can only change if you and your partner communicate your needs when you feel you need more quality time. Please don’t be afraid to speak up.
7. When you say something mean or extremely hurtful
Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes you really can't control what you say. But as dating and relationship coach Cheryl Muir tells Bustle, a sure sign of unhealthy conflict is when one or both parties cause harm, intentionally create insecurities, or make comments that threaten the stability of the relationship. In short, during an argument, you know that your words and actions will deeply hurt your partner.
"At best, it shows that there is deep inner work to be done if the person is willing to do so," Muir said. "At worst, it's a sign that your relationship is unhealthy." During times of conflict, it can be helpful to establish ground rules for these conversations. For example, agreeing not to talk over each other or make any personal attacks can hold each of you accountable for being fair.
8. When your partner blames you for everything
If your fights stem from being consistently ignored, belittled, ignored, or criticized, it could mean the end of your relationship. "Partners who repeatedly blame each other while refusing to take any responsibility for their actions are unsafe," Jana Edwards, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating couples, tells Bustle. This includes people who insist on being the victim in a relationship rather than taking responsibility or making it clear what they want. According to her, "Safe relationships don't require mind-reading. They require a willingness to conflict while adhering to safe rules."
Agreeing to use "I" statements during disagreements—such as "When you do [negative behavior], I feel [emotion]"—can help both of you get into the habit of owning your feelings and reduce the chance of blame.
9. When one of you can’t control your gaze
If you and your partner are fighting because one of you has a wandering eye, you may want to re-evaluate the relationship. As licensed marriage and family therapist Christie Tcharkoutian, Ed.D., tells Bustle, "If a partner continues to cheat on the relationship, whether emotionally or physically, without remorse, If you don't work with your partner, the relationship is less likely to last. "Being honest about your feelings about your partner and establishing fair boundaries to prevent temptation may repair the existing damage." .
10. When one or both of you are unhappy
When you argue with your partner every day, you may forget what you were arguing about in the first place. "People don't usually get angry for the reasons they think they do," Edie Weinstein, a licensed social worker who specializes in helping couples, tells Bustle. “Arguments about money, intimacy, household responsibilities, or child-rearing are often rooted in feelings of being ignored, neglected, and unappreciated.”
If feeling unappreciated or neglected in your relationship is making you unhappy, it's important to talk to your partner about it. If nothing changes, it might be time to consider breaking up.
11. When your lifestyles are incompatible
Differences make relationships interesting. But if your differences cause a lot of tension in the relationship, it could be a sign that you and your partner are incompatible. As love coach and founder of LoveQuest Coaching Lisa Concepcion tells Bustle, constantly fighting about your lifestyle may mean you should break up.
For example, if you tell your partner that you need to go to bed at a reasonable time every weeknight and they respond by arguing, you may want to rethink things. While it may seem like a simple question, Concepcion said it could indicate something more. "If one person wants to party until 2 a.m. on a Wednesday night and the other goes to bed at 10, they're obviously in different seasons of life," Concepcion says. When you and your partner's When lifestyles are incompatible, someone may have to change. This necessary compromise may be achieved through intentional dialogue, especially mediation (such as couples counseling).
12. When you and your partner fight over a bunch of little things
In relationships, disagreements are inevitable. But fighting is always an option, according to marriage coach and author Leslie Doares. "No two people agree on everything, no matter how much they love each other," she said. "How they handle these differences will determine the health and success of the relationship."
It's always important to be honest with your partner if you have any major concerns about the relationship. But you don’t have to turn every little issue into a huge argument. If this happens frequently in your relationship, it might not be the right fit for you. "Allowing yourself to behave in any way you want, regardless of the harm to your partner and relationship, is common but ultimately destructive," says Dores. "Anger is always about you. You choose it. You control it." If you're always angry at your partner because you're holding on to a big unresolved issue, it might be wise to talk to a mental health professional, See if your irritability comes from relationship resentment or is a reflection of your relationship. Your own internal struggles.
13. When you just communicate in a different way
While it's unlikely that everyone in a couple will have the exact same arguing style, many can learn to understand each other's communication style and keep it going. However, in some cases, your communication styles are so different that you are incompatible and can never handle issues healthily.
"For example, one person may need to address a problem immediately and resolve it. Another person may never want to discuss the problem and bury it," says Laura F. Dabney, MD, of Virginia. psychiatrist and relationship therapist, previously told Bustle. Couples counseling may be a necessary resource for both of you to develop healthier communication skills.
14. When you don’t feel like yourself anymore
If you find that you can't understand your actions or feel like you're losing yourself when you argue with your partner, this is a big sign that something is wrong. Psychologist and breakup coach Joy Harden Bradford previously told Bustle: "If you find that you and your loved ones don't recognize you, it might be a sign that it's time to break up with your partner. "We all change in some ways in our relationships, but the changes shouldn't be so drastic that you're hardly the same person you were before."
Feeling different from yourself can be a difficult thing to identify, which is why it's important to talk to family and friends when you're not getting along with your partner. This could also be a sign that your partner is being gaslighted, so counseling with someone outside the relationship may help you gain some much-needed perspective.
15. When one partner continually threatens to end the relationship
If your arguments frequently include name-calling, swearing, insults, or attacks on the other person's character, you may be on the verge of a breakup. Although some people say unintentional things in the heat of the moment, threatening to end a relationship can be unkind and manipulative.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist India Sims, you can disagree without putting each other down. "Frequent arguments are beneficial as long as you can find solutions," says Sims. "If you're in a relationship and your arguments tend to happen inadvertently, this could be a sign of a breakup." This is where the aforementioned "ground rules" come in handy; when you have a heated conflict, agreeing not to interrupt, raise your voice, or make personal insults can maintain healthy communication.
16. When the same battle happens over and over again
If you've ever said to yourself, "My partner and I keep fighting about the same things," but nothing changes, it probably means things are ending. Daniels believes that the key factor in any relationship is the ability and willingness to solve problems. "If your partner isn't interested in solving problems and is deaf to your concerns ... the relationship won't stand the test of time and you should leave," she says. Refusal by either partner to change hurtful behaviors may require you to reconsider what you are willing to accept and possibly consider ending the relationship.
17. When you start to lose desire
Although many couples often forget to make it a priority, desire for a partner is a key factor in building a healthy and mutually satisfying relationship. "Couples often simplify the struggle between different levels and types of desire, but there's often a lot more to this pain point," Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, psychotherapist and co-host of the Cheaper Than Therapy podcast (Vanessa Bennett) said. "Not feeling valued or appreciated, adopting a parental approach - one parent is the parent and the other is the child - being emotionally insecure...these are just a few of the issues that can lead to a loss of desire."
When you and your partner start to feel resentful or even fight because you feel unwelcome in the relationship, consider ways to increase intimacy and set aside time specifically to rekindle the passion you once had for each other. Having sex more often or having romantic date nights may seem like a small step, but it can lead to great results.
18. When you have opposite attachment styles
Overcoming an anxious attachment style is difficult enough, but Bennett explains that having a partner with both anxious and avoidant attachment styles can lead to additional complications. "It's very typical for people on one side of the pendulum to be anxiously eager to partner with someone on the other side of the pendulum, avoidant attachment," she explains. "This dynamic is difficult to live with, but not impossible - but for many it can be a relationship destroyer."
In this "opposites attract" situation, Bennett says, "one person's response to a desire for closeness and closeness can cause the other person to shut down or run away, thereby increasing the other person's need for closeness and comfort. If there isn't enough Self-awareness and communication, which can be a huge barrier." To alleviate some of these issues, tools like seeing a therapist or resources like the book "Attachment: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love" can help. provide help.
19. When you’re in codependency mode
Codependency may be a buzzword in the modern therapy world, but its effects can affect most relationships in some tough ways. "In general, every client I've ever worked with has struggled with codependency in their relationships," Bennett tells Bustle. "Media and society tell us that love should be interdependent. We should lose ourselves, someone should complete us, and we should give up our lives and dreams when we find 'the one' - which can lead to distressing Unhappiness, dissatisfaction, jealousy, and anxiety in a partnership ” These negative emotions can easily explode and can also lead to some heated arguments between you and your partner.
Rather than succumbing to what may be sneaky codependency tendencies, taking time for yourself or nurturing your relationships outside of your romantic partner (with friends or family) may encourage you to balance your energy and attention, rather than putting all of it into All spent on you. partner.
Common relationship struggles may not be a big deal
Of course, not every fight means your relationship is in jeopardy. Having a lot of disagreements—even recurring ones—is probably nothing to worry about. Such arguments often revolve around everyday issues such as household chores, schedule conflicts, and differing social plans. While arguments about who left a dish in the sink, a pet annoyance, or a small money matter may temporarily cause friction, they can usually be resolved through communication.
These small disagreements may be a headache in the moment, but they are often opportunities for growth. Dealing with day-to-day issues allows you to improve communication, compromise, and mutual respect—which in turn promotes healthier, more resilient relationships in the long run.
source:
Sarah Russell , relationship coach
Cheryl Muir , dating and relationship coach
Samantha Daniels, dating expert and founder of Samantha's Table Matchmaking
Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and relationship expert
Lisa Concepcion, Love Coach and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching
Cherrelle N. “Juice” Shorter, LCSW-S, Psychotherapist
Dr. David Simonson , Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Jana Edwards , Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in couples therapy
Chloe Greenbaum, Ph.D. , practicing psychologist
Edie Weinstein , Licensed Social Worker
Christie Tcharkoutian, Ed.D. , Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Lesli Doares, marriage coach and author
Laura F. Dabney, MD, VA psychiatrist and relationship therapist
Joy Haden Bradford, psychologist and breakup coach
India Simms, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Owner of The Haven Center for Therapy & Wellness, LLC
Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, psychotherapist and co-host of the Cheaper Than Therapy podcast
