Almost everyone masturbates, but no one actually teaches you how to make yourself ejaculate. The good thing is there's no wrong way. After all, masturbation is about exploring your body and finding out what brings you pleasure. However, doing so may require some trial and error. Where do you start? Thankfully, we've got you covered with information on how to make yourself ejaculate. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says it's worth investing the time and effort in learning how to masturbate, because knowing a few ways to get yourself out of trouble is a skill everyone should have.
Maybe you've tried masturbating before but didn't know how to do it without a vibrator. Sure, some things feel good, but you can't orgasm with just your hands unless you use a sex toy. This experience can definitely bring some negative feelings about masturbation, or make you wonder if you're doing something wrong.
Marin said there was no need to feel sad. When it comes to how to masturbate, women are often not taught how to do it (and often aren't taught anything about it at all), and there are plenty of people just like you who feel powerless. "Almost every female client I've ever had has asked me this question, and it's such a popular topic that I've even created an entire online course called Finishing School dedicated to teaching women how Masturbating,” Marin told Bustle. "I 'prescribe' masturbation to most of my clients, so I give specific instructions for learning how to masturbate."
1. Examine your feelings. No matter how common self-pleasure is, not everyone is fully accepting of it. In fact, Marin says most of her female clients are at least somewhat uncomfortable with the idea. "Our society is less accepting of female masturbation, so most women feel guilt, shame, embarrassment and anxiety when I suggest they start exploring their bodies," Marin said.
2. Get to the root of your judgment. If you're not opposed to masturbation, but still have some conflicting feelings about it, it's worth taking the time to explore those feelings further. Start by asking yourself questions like: "Where do these feelings about masturbation come from?" and "Do I want these beliefs to continue to play a role in my life?" If it helps, pick up a journal and write your thoughts.
3. Seek help from a therapist or doctor. If you find that you have real psychological difficulties with masturbating, you may want to examine these feelings more closely with a professional. There’s nothing “wrong” with needing more guidance from someone to help you better navigate your mind and body.
4. Start with the basics of masturbation. There are many ways to masturbate, and there is no right or wrong way. If you don't know how to make yourself ejaculate, go back to the beginning and start by exploring your body and touching yourself in the places that feel good.
5. Remember to take your time. As clinical sexologist Dr. Rachel Sommer tells Bustle, masturbation should never be a "quick, to-the-point" exercise. This is something that requires patience – especially when you’re just starting to figure things out. Find a comfortable position, relax and don't rush! According to Sommer, exploring your body will help you prolong your pleasure and build more intense feelings.
6. Touch your erogenous zones. "Instead of attacking your clitoris and vagina at the same time, make self-pleasure a full-body experience," says Sommer. "Explore other erogenous areas of the body, including the neck, shoulders, thighs, chest and belly," she says. Contact with them should help you get wet and in a good mood - if you're not already.
7. Practice makes perfect. Learning how to masturbate is like learning any other skill – it takes practice. You'll feel a little awkward at first and it may take some time to get the hang of it. "Most women lead busy lives, so I usually tell my clients to schedule masturbation practices in time," Marin says. "Try to carve out 20-30 minutes twice a week." (Or more, if you'd like.)
8. Remember why masturbation is important to you. You may be thinking, "Twenty to thirty minutes? Is that really necessary?" It's natural to feel some resistance, and you may have to remind yourself why you're doing this. For example, "I know I'm embarrassed about having to practice this, but I really want to learn more about my body." Challenge yourself to make it a priority, but don't force yourself to do it when you really don't feel like it.
9. Make it a self-care moment. "To make masturbation less of a chore, I encourage my clients to make their practice sessions as fun as possible," Marin says. Take a bubble bath, put on some music you like, or wear a little slip that makes you feel hot. Take the time to touch other parts of your body and try to feel relaxed and sexy.
10. Repetition is everything when trying to climax. Completing the move requires repetitive, sustained stimulation, and you need to find the perfect position to continue hitting so you can climax. There's a lot involved and it can easily become frustrating if you overthink it.
11. Live in the moment and get rid of unnecessary self-stress. When you first start trying masturbation, try not to put any pressure on yourself to orgasm. "Many women are too goal-oriented about orgasm, which takes all the pleasure out of masturbation," Marin says. "This applies to sex, too." The real goal should be to figure out what kind of stimulation feels good to you, rather than trying to understand the quickest final route.
12. Change things up regularly. Spend a few weeks exploring a number of different techniques. Try two to four strokes each time you practice, and compare and contrast them with each other. Try different speeds and different pressure levels. Start making a mental list of the techniques that will bring you the most pleasure. You can also swap places. For example, women prefer to lie on their stomachs, while others prefer to lie on their backs with full extension.
13. Find your G-spot. Try sitting up with your knees bent and your feet flat on the bed. Insert two fingers, or whatever feels comfortable to you, and dig your knuckles in. Then hook your fingers up, as if you were trying to scratch your belly button from the inside. "If you feel like you need to pee, keep going!" says Maureen Pollack, a sex and intimacy expert and co-founder of the sexual wellness company Lovability. You probably won't - you're on the right track to happiness. (FYI, while the G-spot has earned a legendary reputation, scientists have yet to find anatomical proof of its existence. Still, many people still swear by internal stimulation.)
14. The clitoris is more than just the tip and clitoris. It also runs underneath the labia. Pollack recommends using lubricated fingers to pull back the clitoral hood and caressing the exposed glans with varying pressure until it feels just right. From there, you can start "stroking" the sides of your labia downwards with the fingers of your other hand. "It's similar to stimulating the shaft of the penis," Pollack says. "As you become more aroused, you should feel your entire clitoris become engorged and become increasingly sensitive to your touch."
15. Try diagonals. Imagine there's a clock on your clitoris, with number 12 near your anus and number 6 near your belly button. If you are right-handed, go from one to seven strokes; if you are left-handed, go from eleven to five strokes.
16. Do “Around the World.” Run one finger around the clitoris without touching it directly, moving along the hood. You'll still be indirectly stimulating your clitoris to build up more intense pleasure.
17. Experiment with how many fingers you use. Try rubbing your clitoris with one finger, two fingers, three fingers, four fingers, and your whole hand.
18. Make the sandwich method. Pull the outer labia together and rub the clitoris through the folds of skin. Alternatively, use two fingers and place one on either side of your clitoris and rub it up and down. You can also try side-to-side movements.
19. Click, click, click. Yes, even tapping the clitoris with two fingers is a legal method of masturbation. You can also try touching your clitoris as gently as possible with one finger.
20. Don’t be afraid to wear clothes when masturbating. Try wearing underwear and rubbing your clitoris through the fabric. You can also try using a rougher fabric, such as denim.
21. Extra Credit. According to Marin, you can also add extras, like using lube to help your fingers glide over your clitoris more easily. You can also add various objects, such as stimulating the clitoris with other objects by rubbing it against a pillow, or placing yourself under the faucet in the bathtub.
22. Mobilize body muscles when masturbating. Also, try tightening your toes, fingers and abdominal muscles, Marin says. Then try to tighten them all at once. Also try squeezing and holding the PC muscle.
23. Find your favorite. Try all of the above techniques and note what you like and don't like about each technique. Then, see if you can answer questions like: What is my favorite swimming stroke? My favorite finger number? What speed do I feel is appropriate? What level of pressure do I like? Do I prefer lube or toys?
24. Finally, prioritize orgasm. "Slowly, warm your entire body with gentle touches. Tease yourself," Marin says. Next, try running a few different strokes and choose the two that feel best. Use one move for about three minutes, then switch to another move for three minutes. Keep switching back and forth until you find one shot feels better than the other. Keep doing this for the rest of your workout.
25. Cross the finish line. Try using the same stroke a little harder and faster. You may notice your happiness levels ebb and flow. Don’t analyze what’s happening—just focus on the sensations in your body. Increase the speed and pressure a little more and see if you can push yourself past your limits. This may take longer than you expect, so keep going until it doesn't feel good anymore.
Bottom line. "Don't expect to orgasm the first time, and don't be disappointed if you don't," Marin says. "For most women, it takes multiple tries, and you learn more each time. Keep pushing yourself to go further each time. Most importantly, remember to enjoy the process!"
expert:
Vanessa Marin, sex therapist
Dr. Rachel Sommer , clinical sexologist
Maureen Pollack , sex and intimacy expert, co-founder of sexual health company Lovability
