Three months ago, Celine and her best friend Natalie* were both fired from the same advertising agency. Unable to pay the $3,200 rent in Brooklyn, Celine was forced to move back to her parents' house in the suburbs. "I'm still in shock, my whole life has been turned upside down," the 29-year-old said.
What's the only thing more humiliating than getting fired from your job and packing your adult life into a teenage bedroom? Seeing your best friend survive the same brutal layoff and emerge unscathed. "I love Natalie, but she doesn't have to lift a finger because her husband is a wealth manager and runs a bank," Celine said. "While I was struggling to get out of my apartment break clause, she went on a week-long yoga retreat to recover from the bad news."
After a four-year string of unsuccessful situations, the former advertising executive was happy to be on her own for a while, but nothing hit her harder than the financial gap between her and her partnered friends. “Even if I had a job, I wouldn’t be able to afford to go on vacation to Cuba or fly to Malawi on a whim,” she added. “It’s awkward to explain that to someone who has two incomes to support the holidays.”
"While I was struggling to get out of my apartment break clause, she went on a week-long yoga retreat to recover from the bad news."
Celine isn't the only one feeling the financial stress of divorce. It’s a well-known but overlooked fact that the cost of living is higher for a single person than for a household of two. This wealth gap, known as the singles tax, will only grow with inflation.
In 2010, the median net worth of married couples aged 25 to 34 was four times that of single households, according to the Federal Reserve Bank. By 2019, the figure was nearly nine times different. As the single population grows, this disparity is more timely than ever. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46% of the country's population over the age of 18 is unmarried, divorced, or widowed.
From a Social Security windfall to potential tax breaks and more, being one half of a couple is often more affordable. In fact, a 2023 Forbes Advisor survey of single and married adults found that one-third of people stay in relationships longer for financial gain, while 93% of singles People feel financially burdened by their relationship status.
The data makes sense, but the difference in wealth between your single friends and your friends in a relationship can still affect you. For Céline and Natalie, what started as resentment grew into a heated confrontation over text messages after a series of plans were cancelled.
"I was tired of the constant criticism that I couldn't take the train to New York and have cocktails with them or have impromptu club nights," Celine said. A $48 round-trip train ticket plus rounds of drinks added up to about $120 a night, which wasn't feasible for her. "But I hadn't said anything about financial stress before, so when it finally came out, it all went wrong. She thought I hated her husband or was jealous, but that's not the case," she said.
The two didn't speak again after the quarrel. The former advertising executive needed the courage to admit her financial vulnerability to her friends, and accusations of jealousy over her happy relationship left Celine feeling betrayed. In pop culture (such as Blair and Serena in Gossip Girl ), when friendships are compromised between singles and couples, it's often because of jealousy. Society often tends to view singles with pity, as if they have not yet achieved a fundamental goal.
In this context, it’s easier to think of friendship breakdowns as a result of the single’s resentment. "Talking about money is never easy, so if someone expresses their struggles, don't be dismissive because it's inconvenient or uncomfortable for you. Even if it's not the reality of your life, speak with empathy to have a conversation," said Dr. Jenny van Hooff, a sociologist who specializes in romantic relationships and female friendships.
"I hadn't said anything about financial stress before, so when it finally came out, it all went wrong. She thought I hated her husband or was jealous, but that's not the case."
Addressing the impact of the single tax on friendships can be difficult. Gaia*, 27, single, works as an au pair. She pays $3,100 a month in rent and utilities in Philadelphia. If she could split these costs with her partner, she could save nearly $19,000 a year, a significant portion of her income.
The au pair often spends weekends with her best friends, a couple who run a business together. The three met in college, when they could afford the same restaurants and vacations. Lately, however, Gaia is finding it difficult to keep up with their expensive tastes. "They all knew this and insisted on paying the bills, often joking that they were the parents and I was the runaway child," she said.
In the past two months, they've covered two karaoke nights, a black-tie dinner, and a spontaneous road trip for Gaia, totaling more than $450. While she knew her friends' goal was to bring them closer together, the constant gestures and jokes only made her feel smaller. "It's a minor issue for them because their combined income is much higher than mine, and I'm not being ungrateful, but I don't like feeling like I owe my friends," she said.
Most often, friendships are formed over shared interests; in the case of Gaia and her friends, it was a love of food and travel. But when their changing financial circumstances threatened those commonalities, her friends bridged the gap with money. While on the surface, their dynamic seemed the same, it hollowed out Gaia's self-esteem and made her feel like she didn't bring enough to a healthy relationship.
As friendship coach and author of Fighting for Our Friendships , Danielle Bayard Jackson says, “If brunch dates were once your favorite, don’t think that’s all there is to it To make your friendship work, check in with your friend to see if their situation has changed and suggest a more cost-effective alternative plan [if needed].”
Although a relationship may have begun because of shared experiences, in order for the dynamic to be sustainable, it is important that both people feel equal, and that equality often extends beyond emotional intimacy and effort to money. contribution to.
The single tax also creates tension for people in a relationship. Sydney*, 26, moved to Chicago eight months ago to live with his girlfriend and has since saved $7,200 on rent alone. She previously paid $2,900 a month to live with roommates, but now shares an apartment with her partner for $4,000 a month. The extra money turned into Sydney's discretionary income, and she's since bought a sparkling Dior bag, three limited-edition Stanley mugs, a Carhartt jacket for her girlfriend, and a bottle of wine Club membership.
"If brunch dates have been your thing, don't think that's the only way to make your friendship work."
However, she hid most of her purchases from her childhood friend, who had a similar wish list that remained unfulfilled due to the singles tax. "I recently invited a friend of mine to attend a sample sale with me and she half-jokingly said she couldn't afford new shoes every month because she still paid full rent," Sidney said, adding that she was excited about her new shoes. Feeling guilty for the privilege earned.
To avoid having this financial freedom seen by her friends, Sidney decided it was best to keep her little luxury a secret. That secrecy creates tension, Bayard Jackson said. "For too long, people have been shy about talking about their finances. But for friendships to work, both single and partnered friends need to talk more openly about money and how it affects them," she said.
While there are no easy solutions — the cost of living will still be higher for singles, financial reform may benefit couples, and honest conversations won’t magically eliminate jealousy, guilt, or embarrassment — simply addressing the existence and potential impact of the single tax Your life will be fine. Friendship can go a long way. This allows both partnered and unpartnered friends to feel safer knowing they can express it when they feel financially strained or restricted. While wealth gaps can be complicated, they don't have to destroy your friendship—after all, some bonds are priceless.
*Name has been changed.
