We always hear that we can have better sex , better orgasms , or better relationships. But how often do we hear the substance of how to better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle hired sex therapist Vanessa Marin to help us iron out the details. Today's topic: Oral sex tips when you have a sensitive gag reflex and a small mouth.
Q: I'm not very experienced with oral sex (I've only given it to a few partners). I have a small mouth and a very active gag reflex. Sometimes I even feel like throwing up while I'm brushing my teeth, it's so bad! In the past, every time I tried oral sex, I could only do it for a minute or two before my eyes would water and I would start gagging. Is there any way to eliminate the gag reflex during oral sex?
Answer: Thank you for your question! It's easy to hate your gag reflex when you try oral sex, but remember, the purpose of your gag reflex is to keep you from choking to death! While you can't "stop" or "turn off" your gag reflex, there are ways to make oral sex more comfortable while still respecting your own wishes and limitations.
1. Don’t put pressure on yourself—or let anyone pressure you into giving oral sex.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This article assumes that you actively want to provide oral sex and are not forced on yourself or coerced by your partner. You don't have to have oral sex or push your body past its natural limits if you don't feel comfortable with it - and no one should force you to do so. period.
2. Practice with your fingers
If you decide to try challenging yourself in this area, the first thing to know is that there is no real way to eliminate your gag reflex. But you can use the following routine to help make it less sensitive: Place your index finger on the tip of your tongue. Keep them there and breathe deeply through your nose until you feel relaxed. Then move your fingers back one centimeter and hold them there until relaxed. Repeat this process until your gag reflex is triggered. Place your fingers in this position and focus on your breathing until you feel the reaction begin to subside. (You may feel your tongue move under your finger; this is completely normal.) If your gag reflex feels too strong, remove your finger, give yourself a break, and try again.
Once you've mastered one finger, repeat the entire process with two fingers, then three. This process takes time and daily practice, but it can work wonders, especially if you feel like your sensitive gag reflex is holding you back in other ways.
3. Breathe
By design, activating the gag reflex is a horrible feeling. It's hard not to panic when you feel like you're starting to suffocate! It is very important to breathe in and out through your nose. This will help prevent you from gagging and also help relieve your anxiety.
4. Don’t try deep throating
Many women try to replicate the oral sex moves they see in porn, which usually involve a lot of deep throating. The truth is, most women can't deepthroat, no matter how much practice they do. It's also not an important part of a good oral sex. Seriously, you can give an amazing blowjob without deepthroating. Try resetting your expectations.
5. Slow down
Many women believe that they should move their penis up and down very fast during oral sex. (This is another sign of the influence of porn). This type of movement is a disgusting one-way street. Instead, keep your head relatively still and focus on licking or sucking. You can move it up and down a little, but you don't need to do much.
6. Focus on the head
Conveniently, most of the nerve endings in the penis are located in the head. This is one of the main reasons why deep throating is not necessary. You can provide more stimulation with your mouth than you can with the back of your throat. Try some of these tips:
- Wrap your lips around the base of his head and suck.
- Move your head up and down along the ridge of his head.
- Circle his head with your tongue.
- Keeping your tongue wide and flat, lick the seam on the underside of his head.
7. Use your hands
Perhaps the best tip for those with small mouths and sensitive gag reflexes is to get your hands involved. Your hands can do a lot of the work and free your mouth to focus on the more sensitive head. Additionally, your hands can provide a contrasting feel. You can use more pressure than you can with your mouth. Place your hand at the base of his penis and slowly stroke it up and down while trying some of the above techniques on the head. Let some saliva flow out of your mouth and keep your hands well lubricated.
8. ...or hands
If your mouth is really small, you can use your hands! Place one hand over the other and slide up and down while licking the head. Or try gently twisting your hands as you move them up and down. Your hands will provide so much stimulation that you won't even need to put his penis in your mouth.
9. Try different poses
Most women perform oral sex while their partner is lying flat on the bed. This can be a challenging position because your throat is at a 90-degree angle. The head of his penis easily hits the back of your throat, triggering your gag reflex.
Instead, try lying on your back with your head hanging over the edge of the bed and having your partner stand or kneel close to you (depending on the height of the bed). This will straighten your throat and make penetration easier. This position can be uncomfortable for some women because you have no control, so I recommend only doing it with a partner you really trust. Take it slow at first and communicate with your partner until you feel comfortable.
10. Get backdoors involved
Remember, there are many other ways to stimulate your man during oral sex. Try playing with his balls, vagina, or anus with your fingers (if he's ok with it). With all this extra stimulation, you won't feel like you need to do too much to his penis itself.
11. Respect your limits
We all have physical limits when it comes to sex. It's good to want to improve your sexual skills, but remember, you don't have to be perfect. Even though you may have a lot of practice, you may never feel completely comfortable with intense oral sex. Likewise, you can practice yoga every day, but you can never be flexible enough to perform acrobatic sex positions, or you might not be able to maintain the right rhythm when you reach your peak. Give the tips I mentioned above a try, but if oral sex is still too challenging or uncomfortable for you, don't be too hard on yourself or force yourself to do anything. Oral sex may be meant to be given, but it should still be pleasurable for both parties.
Good luck!
