Beyoncé's fifth and latest album makes one thing especially clear: She and Jay-Z have a phenomenal sex. So alarming, in fact, that regular people like you and me might even have a hard time understanding all the sexual euphemisms Beyoncé uses throughout the album. What is a "surfboard"? What is the precise logic of "put me where you can feel my river flow"? Beyoncé is a dance album. Beyoncé is a pop album. But today, I'm not looking at Beyoncé as an album, but as a practical guide to revitalizing your sex life.
Let's start with "Drunk in Love," a swoon-worthy song in which Beyoncé sings about her blissful and lustful love. Arguably the most memorable lyric from the song is: "I filled the tub half full and rode it with my surfboard...surfboard...surfboard." I'm not a lyricist or a surfer, but I suspect Bay was referring to what we understand as a surfboard. Vulture's Jody Rosen wrote of this quote: "Beyoncé sings about 'her surfboard,' a euphemism for an erotic act you and I have never experienced."
I'm particularly interested in the bathtub idea. Sex in the bathtub is notoriously uncomfortable because the water causes unnecessary friction, and the tub is tight and slippery, complicating basic logistics like maintaining balance. Beyoncé inspired us that the key is to fill it halfway so that all the crucial, uh, bits are above the water. For a bathtub relationship, Cosmo recommends placing a bath pillow behind your partner to maximize stability so you can surf and swerve "on a giant body" like Beyoncé.
Lesson learned: Sometimes it's okay to objectify your sexual partner and treat him like a surfboard. Sex in the bathtub can be amazing - give it a try.
A theme of the album is that sex can and should be enjoyed in a variety of places and settings: in a limo, in the kitchen, on the beach, in the bathroom, over breakfast. Sometimes, changing the location of sex can add a wonderful sense of urgency, transgression, and passion. On "Drunk in Love," Jay-Z raps about desire so desperate that he "slips his panties aside" because he doesn't have "time to take the drawers off."
Lesson Learned: Location. Place. Place. A change of scenery can revitalize a dull sex life. If you're "in love," you can't always go to bed.
“Blow” is the most overtly sexual song on the album and the easiest for me to decipher. As you might have guessed, it's about oral sex. The metaphor here is candy, flavor, and flavor: "Can you have my Skittles/It's the sweetest in the middle/The pink is the flavor/Solving the riddle." First, I respect the praise given to Riddles Skittles, which is the ultimate A rainbow of varieties and candies with mismatched colors and flavors.
Candy preferences aside, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that "pink flavored" Skittles represent the clitoris, which is truly an unsolvable mystery for many men. When Beyoncé "leans back" and tells her partner (presumably Jay) to make sure he "cleans up," the metaphor is clear: Lick me until I cum.
The song wasn't groundbreaking because of its explicit and rich sexual metaphors; it was groundbreaking because she was singing about women receiving (and demanding!) oral sex. In fact, she insists on doing it and thinks you should too. When she sings, she is addressing us: "This is for all my grown-up women." In the lyrics, "Don't worry, it's not a big deal," she is trying to normalize this behavior and make us more Close to a utopia where women and men receive the same amount of oral sex. That’s right—Beyoncé is reaffirming a woman’s right to life, liberty, and the right to pursue oral sex.
Lessons learned: Say no to passivity; insist on oral sex. Girl, you deserve it. Plus, Riddle Skittles are the absolute tastiest Skittles around.
Sexual politics aside, I will end this rigorous academic analysis of Beyoncé with the question of pleasure, the most basic element of sexual satisfaction. Obviously, the sexual chemistry between Beyoncé and Jay-Z is ridiculous, and there's no secret or trick to forcing chemistry. However, there are some simple ways to enhance the pleasure, and Beyoncé tells us the key is hydration.
Even after we emerge from the bath, metaphors of wetness, wells, waterfalls and rivers continue to appear throughout the album, most often to represent climax. However, during sex and before orgasm, Beyoncé clearly understands that moisture is crucial; on "Blow," she whispers, "You like it wet, and so do I." Despite urgent, unexpected sex It can be pleasurable, but sometimes it pays to slow things down, extend the foreplay, or as Bey sings in "Rocket," "Slow it down / Go in a circle / You rock hard / I rock steady "A change of pace is key here.
Lesson: Foreplay increases moisture, which increases pleasure. Change your pace and take your time. "Shake until the water falls."
Beyoncé oozes sexiness. While we may not be able to sing like Beyonce, roll in the sand like Beyonce, or give birth to the world's cutest (and luckiest) babies, we can dream. We can let her latest album inspire us to take charge of our sex lives.
Image: Beyoncé
