As my boyfriend likes to remind me, he is a magnet. At the risk of sounding romantically obnoxious, he's right. He cooks for me every night and usually helps me with my grocery shopping. Every time I get out of the shower, he rushes into the bathroom and hands me a towel through the door so I don't have it dripping on the floor. At one point he fished out a Softcup that was inside me like it was nothing... and then started giving me three orgasms.
That's why when I find myself in an argument with him that starts with me rejecting his perfect salad and ends with me screaming, "We didn't even do anything for Valentine's Day or our anniversary! " I know I'm a brat. .
"Why do I have to plan something? Why don't you plan something?" he said angrily.
"Already! It was supposed to be a surprise and now it's ruined!" I screamed.
I made this plan weeks ago, knowing I would probably go crazy around Valentine's Day and our anniversary (which is the weekend after, creating a perfect storm of expectations). I like to think of myself as the kind of woman who doesn't care about those holidays - and as such, I often feel resentful when the man can't read between the lines and sweeps me off my feet. I know this is the worst.
I was tired of the double standard where I thought men were in charge of romantic plans and I wanted to do something special to commemorate our year together. So I decided to flip the script and get Jacob* excited for our anniversary. I would get the special day I wanted and he would feel completely cared for for a change.
plan
As you can see from the excellent RBF above, this is not an easy guy to pursue.
I planned a full day: flowers, his favorite bagel, and a gallery visit in the morning, which was almost our second date; and in the afternoon, check-in at the Hotel Gansevoort, where he would be treated to the full romance package Attracted; in the evening we had a nice dinner and dancing at the first restaurant we went out to as a couple. I'll treat him to everything and give him a different heartfelt card for each part of the day - four romantic notes in total. Throughout the day, I would flip the script and be as romantic and chivalrous as possible to him.
Part 1: Bagels and Surprises
I woke up at 5:30 in the morning, which was definitely not part of the plan. I felt giddy and excited, like you sometimes feel on birthdays. When he woke up at 8:30, I had been awake for hours staring at him sleeping like a crawler.
"Happy anniversary," I whispered.
"Happy one year since we made love," he replied, giving me a kiss. He went to do yoga and I went to buy his favorite bagel and some flowers.
The first time I went to his apartment a year ago, I brought flowers. He blushed and put them in a vase, where they remained as weeks passed. A year later, they, like me, were still living in his apartment. I decided I liked the romantic symbolism of adding some fresh leaves to the mix and watching them turn brown next year too. Maybe this will become our tradition until we mix in the dried flowers every year. I'm happy with my romantic self.
"You have bagels!" he exclaimed as he walked in. "Are these new flowers or the original flowers?" I explained the idea and he nodded, seeming impressed by my idea but not particularly pursuing it. After we finished breakfast, he opened my card, smiled as he read it, and made not one but two sexual puns using my cheesy phrasing. "Where are we going?" he asked about a thousand times that week.
"It was a surprise."
"I really don't like surprises. They just make me anxious."
Part Two: The Date That Never Was
Our first destination was the New Gallery. I chose this place because the week we got together he had been trying to get me to see an exhibition there, Egon Schiele's Self-Portraits, but we never went because we basically couldn't get out of bed . I thought my memories of the gallery would touch him a year later. But when we arrived, there was a line around the block because of the new Munch exhibition. Hold.
" Is this where we're going? " (Is it my imagination, or is it the disappointment in his voice?) "It's going to take a while."
"Yeah, this is it, do you understand? When we get together, you want to see where the line drawings are."
"But Schiller is no longer here. It would have been a mistake not to go. They were great."
"Well, we're too busy having a relationship!" I muttered, starting to get angry. I resisted the urge to pout and say he didn't appreciate my gesture.
We decided to go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and he seemed to relax as we resumed his typical drive to lead the way. He toured the museum with ease and showed me some of his favorite rooms, putting his arm affectionately around my waist when he asked me to guess his favorite Vermeer painting. I did it, it was easy. He smiled. "You were only the second person to guess that."
"How many people did you ask? Is this your test for every woman?" He smiled, pointing to another painting. "You're definitely going to like that guy."
At least he knows my type.
Part 3: "Enjoy the Suite and Romance"
"Where are we going?" he asked again, even though I didn't tell him. I had the GPS on my phone, but at one point, I was confused because we were in the West Village, so I showed him the map, thinking he couldn't guess the exact location. "Oh, I know where we're going now! We're going to Gansevoort ."
He was right, and I was relieved by how excited, impressive and happy he sounded. “I once had a drink on the rooftop and it was really nice.”
I felt like a dancer when I took him to the room where I arranged the full Get Suite and Romance Package. Strawberries and champagne, two gorgeous bathrobes, monogrammed pillowcases and roses were all waiting for us. We felt like we were at home, exploring the room like two kids, checking out all the fancy soaps, the Illy espresso machine.
Jacob was startled and put on his robe. As I said before when looking at the 17th century portraits in the museum, he would have made a good nobleman. I sprinkled some rose petals on the bed because it was romantic time .
Jacob was more interested in the large mirror next to the bed. He swept the rose petals away and climbed on top of me. He may be the one being pursued, but tops are tops, and, as I've come to realize, being romantically involved with someone doesn't mean you won't end up getting ripped off.
Part 4: An emotional dinner
It's time for dinner. At this point, I realized that this surprise tactic didn't really make him enjoy anything - it just made him uneasy. While I like surprises, he likes to know where he's going, and I've learned that part of being truly chivalrous is respecting that and stopping forcing my romantic ideas on others.
I told him we were going to the same restaurant he took me to on our first date because I was adamant about "him taking me somewhere cool and new." I think it's poetic justice to reciprocate the gesture a year later. If I ask him to "prove" anything to me in the first place, it's not that he can take me to a nice dinner, but that he will show me something new and interesting. Last year we tried more new restaurants and had countless adventures and I want to thank him.
When we arrived at the restaurant, the atmosphere was dark, quiet, and romantic. I looked at the menu and figured this wouldn't be a problem with our current vegan diet. But I didn't call ahead. As it turns out, the dishes I thought could be modified were not, and we ended up eating basically just Brussels sprouts, beets, chickpeas, and almonds for dinner. And beets. And beets. Oh shit.
I apologized and told him that the day had taught me a lot about my overzealous and somewhat careless planning. I churned out so many parts in one day that sometimes I forgot to nail down the basics, like directions or menus. I wrote him four cards instead of one, and ended up not feeling good about how to deliver any of them. It's a good reminder that when it comes to experiences, it's quality, not quantity, that counts.
"Well, the good thing about planning is that the more you do it, the better it gets," he replied kindly. I smiled and was reminded why he was so good to me, how he led by example and helped me grow. I felt my emotions boiling and I wanted to speak out, but for the first time that day I felt scared. I've said it all on the card, but not the way I wanted, and now is the moment.
He noticed me tensing up and he took my hand. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled. I told him exactly what the last year had meant to me and why I was so grateful to be with him. I started to cry and so did he. He thanked me for this special day and said that even though I didn't think I did as well as I wanted to, he was touched by the thought and care I put into the day. For him, the outcome doesn't matter. It’s about sharing your life with me, being more deeply rooted in each other’s worlds, and about loving me appropriately every day.
I left the last card in the bag. Everything I say in it, we just say it better. He said he didn't want to dance, but wanted to go home and cuddle - an unusual suggestion for him (he loves going out) and it proved to me that he felt truly relaxed and connected.
Part 5: Oh shit
When we got back to the hotel, Jacob told me his gut was burning. I'm not sure if it was the amount of veggies we ate or an allergic reaction from the whole day of surprise, but he stayed in the pot for the next half hour. Because there was no fan in the bathroom, I heard everything . do you know? I honestly don't care. I played a "Words With Friends" game with him on the phone so he had some virtual company.
“Real romance is playing word games with friends while your partner poops,” I shouted into the bathroom.
"That's a good move," he shouted. When he felt better, he held me close to his chest and told me he loved me for probably the tenth time that day.
after morning
While I know what Jacob says is true – that every day together is special, and that it’s most important to show that through our actions on a regular basis, not just once a year – I also think I thought it was right to make our anniversary a holiday. A special day.
In the end, the closest I felt to him wasn't when we were lying on rose petals, but when I just took the time to look him in the eyes and tell him all I could possibly think he knew about how I felt about him. It's nice to be able to one day definitely put both of us into that headspace. We take the time to appreciate where we've been, appreciate where we are now, and be excited about where we're going. Sometimes I think you just need a break from your daily routine to do that, and a staycation can be a great way to do that. By the end of the night we left, he was completely relaxed and that alone was worth it.
I'm not sure if the extravagant anniversary I'm planning will become a tradition from now on, but I do know that when I realize that I can truly feel fulfilled by pursuing someone, just like I feel pursued, feels good. In my opinion, him being the recipient of my chivalry doesn't diminish him in any way, if anything it emphasizes the reason for our dynamic: I'm a hopeless romantic Someone with big, idealistic ideas, and someone with a sense of direction who could help me execute them. Even when I was pursuing him, we were a team.
As girls, we are taught to more or less expect fairy tales to befall us. Everything has a clear happy ending, which often creates unrealistic expectations when it comes to romance (in my case, anyway). It's so comforting to remember that I don't have to wait to be rescued or kissed or drank or eaten - I can make it happen whenever I want. My fairy godmother is my credit card and although I have found my true prince, I don’t have to act like a princess waiting to be kissed. In fact, sometimes I could be the author of a fairy tale.
Some names/images in this story have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned.
