Hello busy readers! You know, this is Tyler Duckworth, from the real world: Key West and the challenges that follow. I thought I'd give you a little update on my life before I start revealing the challenges of this season: free agency, because trust me, we have a lot to discuss about this new season.
But first, me: I currently live in Los Angeles with my partner, a quirky artist and designer from Germany...shocking! I manage and develop all digital content for his design and architecture firm, while also managing his art collection. Sadly, this led me into the world of kicking and screaming gallery girls . But even more embarrassing is that I spend too much time at BRICK, my crossfit gym. Don't worry, I'm not like that. There is no paleo for me and I will never give up my obsession with Domino's pizza.
Although I quit Challenges after winning the Rivals and Cutthroat competitions, expect to see me here and there co-hosting this season of Challenge: Aftershow . Plus, I'm still friends with a lot of Challengers because they always seem to need a couch to crash on when they're in LA. The only rule is: if they gossip to me, they can stay in my guest room! It's a win-win for everyone.
At this point, I’m going to pass it on and share with you all the best Challenge insider information. Let’s see how these free agents fare, shall we? Here’s where I think each kid’s performance ranks this season.
Here’s to another season of tears, beer, and bickering! Let’s get started:
Female challenger:
Laurel
"Romantic entanglements derailed her plans..." her MTV.com bio reads. Since when did Laurel stop letting her emotions overwhelm her competitors? She belongs to the "Untouchables" along with Emily Schromm ( Remesis 2 co-winner). Most male actors are afraid of facing off against these girls in elimination rounds or in dimly lit back alleys. This makes Laurel the Katarina Witt of The Challenge . Pretty, but most likely a communist spy is plotting your death, all the while taunting you with a cheerful smile. I would be devastated if she didn't make it to the finals. Unless the Communists recall her to the motherland, she will face failure .
Rating : 10 points out of 10! stuck landing laurel
There is one
This new free agency model could really benefit Theresa. She returned to Challenge World looking confident, entrepreneurial and ready to recommend some cuts to the HR department. Her adorable new haircut suggests that while she may not be as physically imposing as some of her competitors, with a little luck and her trademark cunning, Teresa might just slumber right to the end.
Score: 8
cara mararia
She is the challenge version of "the girl who didn't go to Paris." Unlike LC in The Hills, though, who learned her lesson, Cara Maria keeps pushing men to the finish line. Whether it's a codependency issue or the way she copes with the absolute craziness that goes on in these houses, one thing is for sure, Cara Maria, you get what you pay for, with the best people. Maybe, without the distraction of those menacing boys, she would have grown into the Xena warrior princess we all know she can be. I hope the overall look of Pirates of the Caribbean is retired, though. She's so pretty, I want to see her in fall shades and maybe in an updo here and there. But now we're just nitpicking.
Score: 7.5
Jessica ( Real World: Portland )
Honestly, all I really know about this chick is that she's the only one in her season who didn't get beat up by Nia. So, I guess that means she's a contender? However, in this game, being shy, cute, and quiet can get you a long way! #SleeperAlert. Plus, with such luxurious hair, I'm hoping for some serious ponytail action when it comes to competition. I think she is a high pony type of girl. The camera cuts to her flipping her opponent in slow motion during a first-round knockout, her perfect Pantene Pro-V pony emphasizing the victory, Spartan-like, driving her sword into the sand after a takedown. Who did she sleep with? Isn’t this an eternal problem? That might be her only real kryptonite. Otherwise, get it girls!
Score: 6 (Jhirmack Bounce Back 0.5 hair bonus)
Devyn ( real world: Brooklyn )
What I love most about Devon is that everyone, including herself, is in on the joke. Let's face it, she has zero ambition to win. She continued participating in these challenges simply to further her imagined career as a beauty queen. I think she needs to join Joyce's School of Beauty Queens on Planet Bravo. She knows it, we know it, MTV knows it... they just censored Devyn for Real Housewives when she was in her thirties. Plus, get bonus points for admitting to hooking up with Eric "Big Easy" Banks on public television. Talk about picking one for the team! She even got producers into trouble when she acted alongside that beastly man. She will do anything to get photo time. Meanwhile, the laziest challenger ever won the MVP and made it to the finals. Also of interest: her perfect weave! She'll jump off waterfalls, into mud puddles, and onto overweight red-headed assholes. But somehow, she keeps defying physics and the laws of the universe, and always looks amazing. Cheers Devin!
Score: 0 - She won't be bothered by trivial matters.
Joanna ( Real World: Cancun)
So, Jonna is totally that girl who snuck out of one season of American Horror Story and has been lost in The Challenge ever since. I mean, according to her, one day she was dating a race car driver and the next an Arab poker champion. Is she real? Or is she just an illusion? I'd venture to say that even those who were on her season of The Real World: Cancun couldn't really give you a straight story about her. But that's what's interesting about her. One season she's bisexual, the next she's a sober, born-again Christian. I bet she'll be around this season because she spent the past month in a monastery in India learning how to fight like Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2. Combined with a schizophrenic hairdo and a more erratic personality, her loose grip on reality should add plenty of drama. Points were deducted because the overall organizational problem was not addressed. We get it, it was canceled during the first season of Feud . I was there. But come on, that was three years ago. Can we do hot oil treatments sooner?
Score: 5
Jasmine ( Real World: Cancun )
Jasmine and Jonna are one of The Challenge 's best frenemies of the decade, with more hatred for each other than Lindsay Lohan and her former sobriety coach. Technically, they can't exist without each other, but they can't live with each other either. All I care about is Jaz! Hailing from Houston, she is energetic, smart, funny and agile. The only problem: She weighs as much as a large Domino's pizza. If this game is to be judged honestly, she has already won 3-4 games. Unless Lady Luck favors her and allows her to avoid any weight-related eliminations, the stylish Miss Region 3 may sneak into the finals.
Score: 6.5 (and a side of breadsticks)
Jemmye ( Real World: Return to New Orleans )
After finally divorcing Knight, you can turn to Jemmye to a) fight completely random people b) discuss subtle electoral strategies for the upcoming midterm elections and c) turn the challenge into a Bad Girls Club one-finger. Despite her petite stature, she was a fighter. We're talking about Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby . I wouldn't start with her. But I don’t have to worry about that because we have 3 things in common: an undying love of Hillary Clinton, corn chips, and dark chocolate.
Score: 7.5
LaToya ( Real World: St. Thomas )
You know, I don't know much about this girl, but all I can say is that this girl is a survivor. St. Thomas is generally considered to have the worst season in the real world (besides the DC season). Still, she's always cute, sassy, and has great quips. I'm glad to see her back on stage. She's 50% Jasmine's spunk and 50% Devin's athletic physique (all those pageant-flailing moves are amazing for your triceps). If the three of them had been in a 90s R&B/Hip-Hop band, don't doubt that Latoya wouldn't have become the lead singer like Beyoncé did and eventually left the group to pursue a solo career that made her a worldwide celebrity. In this completely hypothetical tangent, the all-important question is: Who would be Kelly and who would be Michelle? Dare I ask Jasmine and Devin…
Rating: 7.5 – My gut told me to watch this. Her side-eye glow rivals that of some of the greatest leading ladies, we're talking Diana Ross, Naomi Campbell, Monique.
Nia ( real world: Portland )
Nia is the Coral of Millennials. Terrifying, and oddly believable, even though she's clearly less trustworthy than Maleficent. Being beautiful and looking cool, it all comes down to her kindness. When you get along with Nia, it's like having lunch with Regina George. Everyone looks at you with a strange look of awe and fear. When you get on Nia's bad side and give her any resistance, well... there's a good chance you'll end up broke, heavily sedated, and plastered on your ratty sweater in Caracas, Venezuela Holding a note that read: "I think this will teach you a lesson in respect! xo, Nia". I think CT even knows better not to cross over with that category 5.
Score: For legal and security reasons, I am not authorized to comment on matters of this nature regarding Ms. Nia Moore.
As for Nany, Emilee and Aneesa, I don't really care about them, so let's keep talking about men, K? K.
men challenger
Preston ( Real World: Return to New Orleans )
I know you all think so. Why is he here again! ? The first challenge Preston did was cute. Lots of sparkle, casting a shadow like Mary J, who looks very similar to Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo. Seriously, this is incredible. Beyond that, he's the male version of Shauvon. (Remember her? Big boobs, even bigger hair.) They both just showed up. Sometimes they say things that are completely idiotic, but mostly when Preston is being interviewed or competing, I take it as an opportunity to stand up and check that my Digiorno is cooking in the oven. #TotalSnoozeFest
Score: 0 – Ex-smokers won’t even try.
Leroy ( The Real World: Back to Las Vegas)
So, in the original Challenge : Rivals , I shared a bunk bed with "Roylee," as his kids named him. He loves Oreo cookies and snores loudly. He's probably built out of stone, and with a sexy swagger that, honestly, can be a little too much at times, he's more than capable of winning any challenge he's presented with. But here's the thing. I really don't know if he's doing it to make money or get laid, or both? That being said, his aloof attitude made it difficult for his fellow cast members to vote him into any elimination rounds. Plus, since he sleeps with half of the female challengers, none of them want the love machine to go home prematurely.
Score: 8.5
Zach Nichols ( Real World: Return to San Diego )
Well, I think we all win when Zach joins the challenge . Thankfully, Zack was lucky enough to get a break from filming his blockbuster franchise , Thor . Seriously, he's a great guy. We were a weightlifting buddy for six months, and at his core, he was a nice Midwestern guy who looked like a Greek god. His hair...must be seen in real life. You may find yourself caressing it accidentally. It sparkled in the sun... While I digress, he was too pretty for me, but I had the pleasure of being his wingman on many nights out. Athletically, he's almost too big to handle the challenge . I think he's just using the challenge to train for the NFL combine or to fight the evil forces threatening the Earth. He won the first challenge he entered, which was nothing to scoff at. No matter what, he was always a competitor and a cool guy.
Score: 9 — Could be really hard to beat.
SWIFT ( Real World: St. Thomas )
Any analysis that might have happened was immediately dismissed when a) I saw a photo of him as an actor and b) I realized he still calls himself SWIFT (all caps. He did ask MTV to use all caps when referencing his name) Throw it out of the sky. . I get it. His abs are definitely sick. But he's also 5-foot-6. Humility plays a big role in my book, and the rumor mill hasn't been kind to this one. But then again, who am I to listen to gossip? I listen to the truth! (Or the funniest version of it.)
Maybe I'm being a little harsh on this guy, honestly he deserves a fair shake. I hope he can prove me wrong. Maybe he's the dark chocolate Jamie and I have been waiting for!
Score: 5.6
Dustin Zito ( The Real World: Back in Las Vegas )
At this point you can't just refer to him as Dustin, he has to be officially known as "Dustin Zito - that ______!!!" Add pretty much anything to the end of that sentence, da Stinzito did it all, tried it and denied it, or got arrested for it. I want to root for him, but he acts and talks like Nelle. You know, that early '90s movie starring Jodie Foster about a wild Southern girl wandering Appalachia? I know Dustin Zito is from Louisiana, but he teeters on the edge of insanity and makes me uncomfortable with Britney Spears meltdowns. He was allegedly a competitive wrestler in high school, or am I confusing that with his time on FratPad.com?
Score: 8
Chet ( Real World: Brooklyn )
Chet replaces Julie in The Challenge ( Real World: New Orleans ) as the weirdly endearing but still confusing Mormon friend we all have. He has absolutely no desire to go to bars and parties, but when you're about to pass out and you see him reading scripture, you start asking yourself some existential questions, like why do you drink so much, who are you, and is there a God? Then suddenly, Laurel is tying your hair back as you cry from the stress of the game! Chet is very smart and knows how to play the game well. Ladies love his old world charm and colorful clothes. I'm not afraid to flout stereotypes, and I'm excited to see a mature Chet compete again and see what he can do. Good luck if you go up against him in a quiz or endurance race!
Score: 7.5
Cohutta ( real world: Sydney )
What's not to love about this Southern Charm character? I'd never actually met him or acted with him, but he seemed like someone you'd meet during a semester abroad and become a lifelong friend, despite the fact that he was from the set of Duck Dynasty . He's tough and has the heart of a champion, but about the same weight as Laurel's ego. So that hurt him in the knockout rounds. I'm officially #TeamCohutta Listen, it's a new format, so anything is possible, right MTV? ! (Note the sarcasm.)
Score: 7.5
Frank (Real World: Return to San Diego )
What I love about Frank is that when you become friends with him, you get everything and more than you bargained for. If you don't become friends with him, you're completely missing out, but there's a caveat. This also means you'll be in for a wild ride! Then again, who should I talk to? No, Frank is a good friend and crossfit junkie. Being a crazy athlete, he has been training professional bodybuilders, but the best part is observing his passion for it. When I get stuck in training, I usually dance to Beyoncé, so I have a lot of respect for him. If he can use his athleticism and learn to shut up during conflict, there's no reason why he can't win this challenge !
The key to his victory is using his former partner and challenge master Johnny Banana as an ally. While all traditional rules are thrown out the window, I have no doubt that Johnny will find a way to forge an alliance that carves a path for him and his minions to reach the finals. He's going to kill me for saying this, but I'm so excited about his now-iconic Drunk Maria breakdown. He's an emotional, passionate guy, but he owns it. He can laugh at himself (albeit after 2-4 weeks), but when he does, that's the best. He's a great competitor and makes for fascinating television! Love him or hate him, he's positioning himself to win it all. He wins the first challenge he enters, so be careful.
Score: 9
Brandon ( fresh meat: 2 )
I only realize this now, but Brandon is totally the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Goofy, great with the ladies and always having fun, I'd love to see him step up his game further. He's actually a great athlete and has competed in knockout tournaments. I've been lucky enough to call him a team member on Challenge: Brutal and have nothing but great things to say about this guy. The real question, however, is, can the Party King put down the Pimp Trophy and raise the championship check for this season?
Score: 6.5...8.0 if sober
Isaac ( real world: Sydney )
So when I saw his picture as an actor and heard he was doing this challenge , I was secretly fascinated. I know this sounds weird, but he is a total stud who would be a perfect candidate for The Bachelor and is getting hotter and hotter with age. The bad news is, he's sexy in a "I have street cred in Cleveland" kind of way. But, I don't care, still works for me. He's probably the funniest guy ever on the challenge , and deserves more photo time with or without his shirt on. Everyone loved the kid because he eased the often tense atmosphere in the family. But don’t get it wrong, folks, this guy is still a beast of a competitor. If he performs well and really tries, even at 75%, he can win the championship. But that's a big assumption. No matter what, he would make for amazing television. #ISAACTeam
Score: 8.5
Jordan ( Real World: Portland )
I've heard a lot of "things" about this guy. So when I met him at an event recently, I was delighted to meet a confident, handsome, well-spoken guy. I mean, he knows he has all of the above traits, but in a Zac Efron kind of way, it kind of works...at least for now. He performed very well in the last challenge, but his temper and sexual desire may be his undoing. Handsomeness and athleticism are a dangerous combination in this game. Guys don't like it when you get all the attention from the ladies, and girls don't like it when some smooth-talking newbie hits the mark. Strangely enough, it all worked to his advantage too! Stranger things are happening in the Challenge universe. Tonya Cooley won Hell 3, so by that logic anything is possible. No matter what, he is here to win. If he uses the right mind, he could be a contender...
Score: 8.5
Johnny Banana ( Real World: Key West )
Banana, along with Macron, is officially known as the new Old Man River and is the godfather of the Challenge series. Four wins, including a very exciting win I had in Rivals: Season 1 . Look, he was part of my original cast of "The Real World," so he's like a brother to me. We've been good friends for years, so I can't possibly do it justice. When he says or does something stupid, I just let it go, just like you would if you let your brother do something annoyingly stupid. Whether it's putting mustard in my Taco Bell or lighting his farts on fire, he's a textbook frat boy who never grows up, and I think we can all agree we're okay with that.
Keep him working on those challenges . He usually annoys at least half the women on the show, but they still follow him around like lemmings. I'm excited to see him team up with Isaac. These two make a great comedy team and I'm sure made everyone laugh enough to forget Johnny orchestrated their selection into the elimination round. But, here's why he's a genius (in a reality TV kind of way, of course). He is some kind of wizard. He'll vote you out while making you feel like, "You know what, I deserve this." Let's all be grateful he uses his manipulative abilities for entertainment purposes. Otherwise, I could see him ruling the world! (Well, that's a stretch, more specifically the mid-level management that conquered Banana Republic.) I have him winning this Gauntlet as the No. 1 seed, along with CT. But will the new rules disrupt his usual final waltz style?
Score: 9.5
Johnny 2.0 ( Real World: Portland )
There seemed to be a lot of Portland kids participating in the challenge this season. I was apathetic about it because the only episode I bothered to watch that season was the one where Nia used a hair dryer and then punched Johnny 2.0. Literally beat him! This essentially explains why he was cast this season. America could see Nia defeat one and win again. Other than that, he's a total snoozer. Athletically I guess he might be a factor, but given his rookie status and the fact that he got beaten up by a girl during RW season (granted - he's a punk) I'm not sure how much fear he'll be instilled in the eyes of his rivals.
Score: 6
CT ( real world: Paris )
What I love most about this guy is that no one really remembers if Real World: Paris actually happened, all we know is that some furry beast from Boston was introduced into the world and we're all the better for it. After what seemed like 20 attempts (actually only 10, but forget it, man), he finally won the challenge . He loves cigarettes, red meat, and instilling fear into people's hearts. I have a lot of first-hand experience, so I know this to be true. I've beaten him twice in knockout rounds, so let me clarify, he's a big, scary, angry guy. Most women are attracted to him, but I just don't get it. Let’s just say, if you knew him in real life, you would understand, let’s just leave it at that…
But it was a new challenge and CT showed up with a beard. In the ten years I've known him, he's never had facial hair, so it really confuses me and other challengers. Why now? Is he trying to tell us something? Has he found God? Or is he actually homeless? One never knows what form he'll be in when he's faced with a challenge, and this time, it looks like he's a little heavier on steaks and cigarettes at the local Gold's Gym than on the barbell. However, I would be remiss if I underestimated the man who literally turned Johnny Banana into a backpack. So we're going to give him a break, look at his track record, and put him in a tie with Johnny Banana for first place this season. Can he make it two in a row? Only two challengers have ever done it (me being one of them). Maintaining magic is extremely difficult, so time will tell! Dollar to donut, he made it to the finals based on fear factor alone.
Score: 9.5
Can't wait to see how this season turns out!
Image: MTV
