While there's no set timeline for reaching milestones in adulthood, it's still reasonable to feel like you're "behind" in certain areas of your life. For example, when you're an adult virgin and seeing a high school classmate announce her pregnancy, it's easy (and understandable) to feel pressure to keep up with your peers—but that doesn't have to be the case.
Being sexually active is not a universal experience that happens to everyone at the same time. Still, the media often tries to convince you that virginity is something that most people lose early in life, usually in high school. There's even a movie , The 40-Year-Old Virgin , that mocks how maladjusted and socially inept you must be if you remain a virgin as an adult. In fact, according to a 2018 Paramount survey, 27% of American adults aged 25 to 39 are virgins. As a result, the common belief that most people have sex for the first time at an early age, combined with a nationwide lack of proper sex education, It can make older virgins feel uncomfortable or embarrassed - even though they don't need to.
Whatever your reasons for waiting until adulthood to have sex, becoming a virgin in your 20s or 30s (and beyond) is perfectly fine, and experts say there are even some benefits you might not expect. If this has happened to you, read on for all the expert advice you need to have sex for the first time as an adult.
Why people wait until later in life to have sex for the first time
According to certified sexologist and sex and relationship coach Janet Morrison, many people tend to put off sexual experiences because of external expectations such as religious upbringing, wanting to avoid the stigma of being considered a "slut," Or lack of education about sex.
The reason isn't just a lack of opportunity, either. "In high school, I promised myself I wouldn't have sex until college because I didn't want to worry about an unwanted pregnancy or STIs," says Alexandra, 27, who has been waiting. "She loved having sex," Bustle said.
Others want to make sure they are emotionally mature enough to have a healthy sex life before developing one. "I was in my 20s when this happened and was more emotionally prepared for this level of intimacy," said Melissa, 43, who waited until she was 24. "Knowing Being unprepared for what you are is a sign of maturity” and self-awareness – it’s not a weakness. "
Kate, 54, felt even more strongly about her decision to wait when she became a mental health counselor. Through her clients, she's noticed that "sex can ignite passions that they haven't yet matured into—not just 'love,' but revenge, lust, jealousy, and hatred," she tells Bustle. "My pride took a hit, too. 'He said he loved me! Why am I not lovable?'" She eventually had sex for the first time at age 32 and had the lover she wanted.
For some, the right person hasn’t come along yet. Given the popularity of casual hookups on college campuses and among young professionals, many people don't enter serious relationships until their 20s, 30s, or later. For reasons as diverse as a preference for emotional connection and a desire to have sex as safely as possible, some people want their first time to be with a committed partner.
What happens when you lose your virginity later in life?
Even if it's not a conscious decision, becoming an adult virgin still has its benefits. Sharing intimacy with your partner for the first time can become a special bond, even if you choose to do it for reasons other than religion, says certified sexologist and sex therapist Dr. Gloria Brahm. "Some people really want to be able to say their husband or wife was their first because it makes them proud," she tells Busy.
There are also biological aspects that can make your first sexual experience as an adult better, Morrison says. "Your body/brain responses are more mature - the frontal lobes of the brain that help us make decisions are not fully formed until our 20s," she explains. As a result, early sexual behavior is more likely to be physically driven rather than mentally driven, Morrison said, reducing young people's chances of experiencing pleasure or making decisions based on safety and consent. As an adult, having this maturity and understanding of biology can help you better grasp what will feel good and comfortable for you when you become sexually active.
Still, having sex for the first time later in life can also present challenges. According to Bram, it's possible that you and your partner will eventually deal with sexual incompatibility or conflict surrounding sex. "I've worked with people who got married as virgins, only to discover they had severe sexual incompatibilities or a lack of knowledge about good sex," she tells Bustle. "They think that once they get married, everything will fall into place. Instead, they may find themselves struggling with an unsatisfying sex life—or worse, constantly fighting about sex."
What to know before having sex for the first time
When you're ready, talking to your partner about being a virgin in your 20s or 30s (or older) can be scary. While there's no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed about your decision, it's okay to have these feelings. Morrison says your sex life is personal and unique, but openness and communication are key to starting the conversation.
"Most people avoid talking about difficult things for fear of being judged, and others don't want to be around them," she tells Busy. "My advice is to speak your truth first. If the other person judges you, makes you feel uncomfortable, or is unwilling to engage, then they are not the one you want anyway." You can also write before you talk to your partner Talking points and practice.
Beyond that, Morrison recommends masturbating to prepare yourself. Self-pleasure can teach you what your turn-on and turn-off points are, and how your body responds to certain positions, toys, and stimulation. This can definitely help you prepare for sex with your partner because you can guide them into doing things that feel pleasurable to you and feel more confident and powerful in the bedroom.
It's all about feeling confident, says Marissa Nelson, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist. "Being able to embrace your sexuality, make love to yourself, and know how to please yourself before you have sex with someone else for the first time paves the way to an incredibly intimate relationship with another person where you can experience To safety, comfort, and the ability to let go and have fun.”
Research references:
Alan, M. (2012). Maturation of the adolescent brain. Neuropsychiatric Disorders and Treatment , 9, 449-461 . https://doi.org/10.2147/NDT.S39776
expert:
Dr. Janet Morrison , certified sexologist and sex and relationship coach
Dr. Gloria Brame , Certified Sexologist and Sex Therapist
Marissa Nelson, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist
