Having sex for the first time can be an awkward, scary, and overwhelming experience—but hopefully also a positive one. What is a boy's first time like? Our cultural understanding of “first times” is extremely gendered and heteronormative; a woman’s first sexual experience is often considered traumatic and creates a lifelong fascination and attachment to the person to whom they “lost” their virginity . Of course, patriarchy claims that once this happens, women become damaged goods. Men, on the other hand, often high-five and are considered to have "scored."
Britney Blair, Ph.D., PsyD, CBSM, AASECT, psychologist and founder of sexual health app Lover, says men actually have a "hard time" when it comes to cultural expectations of losing their virginity period".
"There's a message that you should be ready, willing, able, and willing," Dr. Blair tells Bustle. "The truth is, not all men are like this, especially when it comes to losing their virginity. Some men feel like they're not ready but feel pressured because virginity is a burden that you 'have to lose'."
It's important to note that not all people with penises are men, and not all men have penises. But the concept of “virginity” is actually based on the gender binary and the experience of heterosexual, penile-vaginal intercourse (PIV). So when the word "male" is used here, it refers to cisgender men. People assigned male at birth (AMAB) who do not identify as male may have similar experiences.
Given these parameters, despite their flaws, some data on first intercourse may be encouraging. Teens and young adults wait longer on average, according to the CDC. In 1988, 51% of female adolescents and 60% of male adolescents reported having had sexual intercourse. In 2017, this number dropped to 42% and 44% respectively. On the other hand, 80% of teenagers are using birth control for the first time. Additionally, only a small percentage of respondents had had their first sexual experience with someone they had just met - 2% of female teens and 7% of male teens. While there's no "right" age to start having sex, and there's no inherent shame associated with casual hookups, take the time to decide you're ready for sex and choose a partner you know and trust for your first experience Obvious benefits.
While you may have read some extremely convoluted first-hand accounts on Reddit comparing sex to water bottles and skinny jeans, the comments below are much more coherent. Here are 12 men's "firsts."
1. Some people feel nervous the first time
"I put a lot of pressure on myself," Dante, 25, tells Bustle. "It was scary too - I was nervous and worried about hurting her and possibly making her bleed."
2. Some firsts are short and sweet
Swann, 26, had sex for the first time with his "committed girlfriend of three months". He was excited but worried that he would screw up.
"I did the typical virgin thing: one, two, cum," Swann tells Bustle. "I purposely waited until I was with someone who 'felt right' before dedicating my virginity to him. While the act itself wasn't that great for either of us, I still think back on it and feel warm and fuzzy. "
3. Some people feel that high expectations make their first sexual experience disappointing.
Jack*, 31, lost his virginity on a cold linoleum floor the night before his birthday. Pirates of the Caribbean plays to cover up the noise. He said "the whole thing was a huge disappointment to me" because he had taken "losing it" to an unrealistic level.
"She put a condom on me and climbed into the boat," Jack told Buster. "It felt pretty good; never even close to orgasm. I was trying to breathe harder because that's what I saw in porn - and it made me hyperventilate."
4. Some people feel liberated for the first time
The first time Mark, 38, was with someone he met online. He was still in college at the time and hadn't come out. He was nervous and excited to get it over with and had "a sense of breaking free."
"Surprisingly, it wasn't awkward at all because he knew what he was doing and I just really went with the flow, which helped me enjoy the moment even more," Mark tells Bustle. "I remember driving home with a huge smile on my face, but I kept thinking, 'There's no turning back now.'"
5. Others are a little tired of having sex for the first time
Dionne, 29, felt "eh" for the first time, which he said was because it was difficult to be gay in a "middle-class family."
"I ended up having [oral sex] with an older guy I met online," Dione tells Bustle. "It feels kind of good and kind of scary at the same time. Teenagers don't do anything out of sexual desire."
6. Some people have more than one first sexual experience
Mike, 37, said he's had two "firsts." The first was with his girlfriend, who was also a virgin. It was a disaster, from the condom being too small, to him "jabbing her a few times," to giving up because it was too hurtful to his girlfriend.
"We broke up a few months later and my next partner was not a virgin and he gave me a lot of information," Mike tells Bustle. "I've never been good at keeping in touch with my exes and I really wish I would have spoken to my first partner and let her know what we were doing wrong and that there was nothing wrong with our bodies. I hope this wouldn't cause no problems for her in the future.”
7. Some people need to speak out for the first time
Reginald, 43, said his first time was "a disaster".
"I was weak from nerves," Reginald told Buster. "Despite being the same age, she was much more experienced. We then discussed it. I expressed my anxieties about size and performance, and the second time around was great."
8. Some people regret the way they treat their partners
Matt, 35, was so traumatized by his first PIV sex that he didn't do it again for two years. During sex he changed a bit like you see in porn. But when he stood up, he was "covered in blood." Her blood.
"I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't a very caring or compassionate lover to her, and I was terrified of blood," Matt told Busy. "I didn't have sex with anyone else for the next two years, turning down other potential lovers because of the bad experience. In retrospect, she was probably menstruating, which really wasn't a big deal. But as a first experience, it was It was so scary and shocking that it took me years to feel comfortable trying to have sex again."
9. Others don’t reveal their first status
Tom, 28, did not tell his first girlfriend that he was a virgin. She "wanted to start a relationship immediately," but he told her he wanted to wait to get to know each other better.
"I think it really put her at ease," Tom told Buster. "It strengthened our relationship (while it lasted) and gave me a basic understanding of how her body works while we were hanging out."
10. Some people remember an unearned confidence
For the first time, Chris, 41, experienced a scene that sounded a lot like something from a movie.
"I was kind of confident, but looking back, I was pretty inexperienced," Chris tells Bustle. "I came before penetration too. Looking back, it was so embarrassing."
11. Some people are more concerned with ending their first sexual experience
Red, 23, lost his virginity to a girl about his own age who was his work supervisor. However, he is primarily interested in her, and knowing that she is, he decides to "get rid of this thing that hangs like lead around my neck."
"I wasn't scared or anxious. I knew it was just going to be a hindrance — like they always say about confidence, you have to fake it until you make it," Redd told Buster. "She said, 'By the way, you have a big dick,' before bowing to me, which was memorable and self-aware. But ultimately, it's not a memory I'll cherish forever. It's just about getting away from it. Dilemma – a learning experience.”
12. Some people laugh the first time
Tom*, 35, remembers this ease best. The first time he had oral sex, he was sitting in the passenger seat of a friend's new borrowed Saab. He chose a scenic viewpoint overlooking the mountains of his hometown. He remembers Eminem and D-12's "Detroit Rock City" playing in the background. "The whole thing is so ridiculous to me I can't help but laugh so hard I'm biting my tongue," she posted on her Facebook page after she spent the night and left early to attend an Easter Sunday church service. The message “He is risen.”
Ultimately, this list shows that there is no one way to have your first sexual experience. No matter your gender, many of our options have pros, cons, pros and cons.
* Name has been changed.
Expert quotes:
Dr. Britney Blair, Psy.D., CBSM, AASECT, psychologist, founder of sexual health app Lover
study:
Joyce C. Abma, Ph.D., and Gladys M. Martinez, Ph.D., Division of Vital Statistics, U.S. Adolescent Sexual Activity, and Contraceptive Use, 2011-2015
