As romantic partners grow together, they inevitably go through some of life's most tumultuous and painful experiences: death, loss, illness, failure, and more. Often, you will be the first person to turn to when your partner is in trouble. It's often a lot to process, but it's also a beautiful and necessary aspect of a strong partnership, which is why knowing how to help your partner grieve is key.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Josh Crapo, the biggest challenge is that grieving people rarely know what they want or need to feel better. "But they do know what feels right and what doesn't feel right," he said. That's why paying attention and keeping an open mind are one of the best things you can do.
Of course, while you've been through your own tough times and can reflect on your own personal coping mechanisms, it's important to remember that your partner's struggles are unique and personal to them. You can't assume that what works for you will benefit your partner, but you can listen to them, give them a hug, run errands for them, sit quietly with them, etc. Just be present.
As a side note, remember that in order to take care of your partner, you have to take care of yourself. Supporting them through their grieving period is necessary but also exhausting. Get enough rest, eat well, and engage in relaxing activities with friends and family to relieve your stress.
Here are 10 concrete ways to help your partner cope with tragic and stressful times.
1. Let them cry
No one wants to see someone they love sad. You feel powerless and desperate to relieve the pain. You may even feel uncomfortable because you're not sure what to do. But if your response to your partner's tears is, "Don't cry," even if it's a way of comforting, you may be sabotaging their healing process.
First, the act of crying can be extremely cathartic. Second, if your partner is crying because of grief, they really need to cry in order to move on. This is something they have to go through, so let your partner know it's safe to break down in front of you.
Since crying is not part of everyone's mourning process, this sentiment still applies to anger, depression, silence, etc. Your partner needs to express their emotions, and knowing they can do so without judgment will be a huge help.
2. Let them know it’s okay to be uncomfortable
Likewise, keep reassuring your partner that their emotions are valid and that they don't need to pick themselves up and move on. "Just accept their pain, or maybe they need to avoid it (temporarily)," Catherine Saxton-Thompson, MPH, MSW, LCSW, therapist and owner of Wholehearted Life Therapy, tells Bustle.
But if weeks or months pass and they still aren’t working properly, gently bring up the benefits of getting outside help. For example, if they miss work or fall into depression, they should seek support and coping advice from a therapist.
3. Give them space to grieve in unique ways
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve after the loss of a loved one. Your partner may need to cry, or take a few days off, or sit quietly, so give them space to do all of this.
It’s okay to just ask them what they need. "See if they're willing to talk about the loss, or be detained, or do something they enjoy to take their mind off the grief," Saxton-Thompson said.
Checking in reminds them that you are there, while also giving them a chance to explain exactly how they would like to be helped on any given day.
4. remain silent
Sometimes there really isn't anything to say, so don't feel like you have to fill the silence when your significant other is grieving.
As Dr. Varun Choudhary, chief marketing officer for national behavioral health at Magellan Health and a distinguished member of the American Psychiatric Association, says, sometimes your presence is enough. "Often, grieving people just don't want to be alone," he tells Busy.
Instead of talking, spend time together in bed, on the couch, on the porch—wherever they feel most comfortable—without saying anything.
5. Provide practical help
The only thing your partner really wants is for their grief to be less intense. As much as you want to, you can't. But you can help them with daily tasks and make their lives easier.
“Don’t wait for them to ask,” Chowdhury said. "Instead, help by bringing dinner, shopping, gardening, etc." You can also help them make funeral plans (if they're still pending) or make those phone calls that seem like too many.
Let your significant other know that you will take all responsibility. Or, if you know what needs to be done, do it yourself. Your partner may not be able to think of anything other than what they've lost, so this kind of practical help is necessary.
6. Avoid potentially harmful clichés
There are many common sayings people use when they lose a loved one. “They are in a better place.” “God works in mysterious ways.” “Think on the bright side.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “When my [insert loved one] died, I…”
But remember, not everyone finds them comforting. Maybe your partner doesn't believe in an afterlife or a higher power. Maybe they did, but it still doesn't justify the death of their loved one. The “good side” doesn’t matter now, what matters is that an important person is no longer in their life.
So instead of expressing emotion in a greeting card, "you can simply express sadness, such as, 'I'm so sorry you're going through this,' or 'I don't know how you feel, but I will and I'd like to help in any way I can." ," Chowdhury said.
7. Make them talk about things over and over again
One of the most important roles you will play during this scary time is that of a listener. Your partner's initial reaction to the loss may be to not want to open up at all. Let them know that you are ready to listen whenever they are ready to talk.
Once that moment arrives, your partner may need to express the same emotion or memory over and over again. This is normal and beneficial to the grieving process. If they need to talk about the death of their loved one, or reminisce about the past, allow them to do so as many times as they want.
8. Become a spokesperson
After losing a loved one, many people reach out to mourners. Their compassion is often beautiful and appreciated, but it can also be extremely strong. If this is the case, assume the role of spokesperson.
Your partner may not have the energy to respond to countless phone calls, emails, or Facebook messages, not to mention that doing so may even trigger invasive questions from someone who means no harm.
Forgive your partner by acknowledging and thanking those people. It will be one less thing for them to worry about during a painful time.
9. Remember grief has no end date
Your partner will stop crying every day. Their daily lives will return to normal. They will laugh again. will be easier. But the grief doesn't really end. It’s important to accept this and realize that there is often more going on beneath the surface.
"It's easy to observe and make assumptions about how deeply a partner may be affected by loss," registered psychologist Sabina Mauro, Ph.D., tells Bustle. “What’s more difficult to observe, however, is the internal struggle (guilt, feeling empty or missing a piece).”
Mauro said when they move past their grief, all you can do is continue to support them. This is an important part of a relationship, but it's not necessarily easy. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays will be heartbreaking, but together you two will learn how to get through them.
10. Stress Relief: Sometimes comfort is more important than anything else
Remember, grieving people often have difficulty identifying what they need. If your partner doesn't know what would be helpful, you can offer ideas that may temporarily relieve stress, such as long hugs, back massages, laughter, etc.
Once they're ready, you can use other coping mechanisms, like taking a walk, planning a healthy dinner, and taking a warm bath, Saxton-Thompson says. "These all help regulate mood," she says, and can provide a brief moment of comfort and relaxation during tough times.
expert:
Dr. Josh Klapow, Clinical Psychologist
Catherine Saxton-Thompson, MPH, MSW, LCSW, therapist and owner of Wholeheart Life Therapy
Sabina Mauro, Ph.D., practicing psychologist
Dr. Varun Choudhary, Chief Marketing Officer, National Behavioral Health, Magellan Health, Distinguished Member of the American Psychiatric Association
