Whenever Carrie Bradshaw sits in front of her little computer and can't help but wonder about something, you know you're in for an unforgettable inner monologue moment. At times, Sex and the City dating columnists can reach truly poignant conclusions, as many fans will be revisiting the series now that it's streaming on Netflix.
But for every sweet SATC maxim, there are at most a dozen that are questionable. Damona Hoffman, dating coach and author of "The F Fairytale, " points to Carrie and her friends' discussion of the three-date rule—that is, wait long enough to sleep with someone, but don't Too long to make progress without established chemistry. - This is particularly uncertain advice, as you should not feel obliged to follow such a specific schedule.
"Most of my clients, especially today, are looking for reasons to say no, not reasons to say yes," Hoffman tells Bustle. "We pay a lot of attention to red flags. So my three-day dating rule is to wait three dates before eliminating someone as a potential match. Today's dating culture puts too much emphasis on the excitement of having sex with someone for the first time , or nothing.”
Here are seven more questionable Kelly-isms I asked Huffman about—spoiler alert, they're not entirely true , even though they look bad.
Men are like... drugs?
"Maybe all men are dope. Sometimes they bring you down. Sometimes, like now, they turn you on so much."
Carrie said this at the beginning of her relationship with Mr. Big, and it defined their relationship for decades. But, no, your partner probably shouldn't feel like a drug. “The highs and lows can be very exhausting,” Hoffman said. But she explains that the role of technology in modern dating — messages, Instagram likes and views — can definitely feel addictive.
"It's not something we should pursue or expect in a relationship," she said. “Especially if you’re looking for a long-term relationship — which is the case with most of my clients — you have to be able to reach a plateau.”
Settle down because you're tired of dating
“In a city with endless options, sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you only have one.”
In season 1, Carrie tries to date other people after finding out Bigger isn't just dating her. But she ultimately chose "big" because she thought it would be easier than dating around.
"I hear this from a lot of people, and they'll write into my podcast and say all the wrong things about the relationship - but then they'll be like, oh, I just don't want to go back to these apps on. I don’t want to go back to the pool ,” said Hoffman. "That's never a reason to stay in a relationship."
Carrie's "I Love You" Rules
"I don't think anything before 'I love you' counts."
In Season 2, Carrie's first "I love you" to Bigger wasn't immediately reciprocated. She thinks this is the beginning of the end and spends the night with someone else - only for the big guy to say he loves her the next day.
She decided not to tell him about her one-time fling because of her (just made-up) "I love you" rule. However, Hoffman said there are no hard and fast rules for such mistakes. Instead, "it's all about protocol and expectations." Plus, the thought process behind Carrie's reign was flawed from the beginning.
"Our brains like to complete stories," says Hoffman. "She finished the story and he didn't respond by saying 'I love you,' so we weren't in what I considered a relationship, so I was going to have my needs met elsewhere . So, as Carrie often does, she would go back to Adapting the rules to her own situation."
No treatment
“I don’t need therapy, I need new friends… Therapy is so self-indulgent.”
For someone who ostensibly knows a lot about dating, Carrie shouldn't be so quick to rule out the role of therapy in relationships. Of course, Hoffman points out, treatment had more of a stigma around the time "SATC" aired. She adds that the practice can be a useful tool for self-reflection and thinking about the way you approach relationships.
date spoilers
"It's like me smoking. It's too bad Aidan has a problem with it, but you have to accept people for who they are."
Aidan says he can't date a smoker, and Carrie is furious that this is a deal breaker. While Huffman agrees that people shouldn't change for their partners, she says it's worth digging into the deal-breakers to find out what they really mean.
Carrie doesn't have to accept it all, she can talk to Aidan about the roots of his disgust. "Then she can make a decision: Do I want to change? " Huffman said. "Maybe he's right that it's bad for my health, and he sees a long-term future for me. But if I smoke, that long-term future might be shortened. So maybe it's worth changing." It's all about going deeper Digging.
Bright lights, Date City
"All these people are right outside your door. So next time you go out in the morning with your shoes, your handbag and your travel cappuccino, look around you. Because let me tell you, our little metropolis is packed with men. You never know who you might meet and you could turn a corner and boom: Bright Lights Date City."
When Carrie taught a dating workshop called "Bright Light Dating City," her audience wasn't thrilled with her advice on how to meet a partner—essentially: Put yourself out there! You will meet someone when you least expect it. But at its core, Hoffman says, this Kellyism isn't so bad for modern daters. "It's not super specific, but I actually think it's advice people need to hear right now," she said, adding that frustration with the prospect of dating apps may make people reluctant (or unsure how) to go online Find a connection below.
Carrie's audience already projected themselves in a pre-app world, which explains why they didn't find much value in her advice. But today? “If you feel trapped in the digital space, this is really the only antidote,” said Hoffman.
a whirlwind romance
"Maybe I've been living in a fantasy. But I found someone who can make it happen - and I don't question that."
Before Kelly moved to Paris with Alexander Petrovsky, she had a heated argument with Miranda, who accused her of living a fantasy and giving up her life to fit in with her boyfriend. Hoffman agreed, saying Carrie's self-imposed advice was her "acting out a script" of what she thought love should be like, rather than assessing compatibility based on goals and values.
"There are also times when your relationship may align with your goals in the long run — like does she have a goal of moving somewhere else and experiencing another city? To me, that's the consistency," Huo said. Fuman said. "[But] if you live that fantasy and expect other people to lead that fantasy, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment."
