In the past three months, I’ve traveled to Mexico, Barbados, Germany, the Netherlands, New York, Boston, California, and more. I've personally been on every flight and explored many places, receiving some questionable reviews along the way. As they piled up, I noticed a pattern: People feel uncomfortable with women traveling alone and project that discomfort onto us.
If you haven’t guessed, I’m addicted to traveling on my own. I love the freedom to do whatever I want (as long as it's ethical, obviously) without anyone supervising or caring - being able to say, "I'll never see them again anyway." I love making friends with I have completely different friends that I would never have met if I were in a group. All of this makes the potential risks and worries of traveling alone worth it to me.
But not everyone understands this. Some people believe that women are putting themselves at risk when traveling alone, that they should be traveling with a significant other, or that they are lacking in the people they meet because they don't have their significant other with them.
Here are some comments I’ve received about traveling alone that reflect problematic gender norms.
"It's dangerous out there for a beautiful girl like you."
There are many problems with this warning. First, "there" is not an actual location. Yes, some places are relatively dangerous, but many places are relatively safe. Many women spend four years on college campuses, places that are far less safe than many cities. Most sexual assaults happen at the hands of people we know, not strangers who throw us into alleys because they see us as unaccompanied foreigners.
Secondly, "beautiful girl" has nothing to do with it. All kinds of people, including men, can be robbed or assaulted whether traveling or at home. This is because people decided to target them, not because of what the victim did. Of course, we should all take precautions when traveling, but it's sexist if this advice is given disproportionately to women. Oh, and by the way, I'm not a "girl."
"But what does your boyfriend think of all this?"
My boyfriend is happy for me to live life to the fullest. Maybe he's a little jealous that his job doesn't allow him to roam the world so much, but other than that, why would I date someone with a problematic lifestyle? People who respect women will not feel dissatisfied because their girlfriend is not around them or under their gaze. Forbidding someone to leave you is a form of possessiveness, while assuming they will cheat on you if you're not around is a form of distrust. While some people may prefer to date someone with whom they see more in common, not every relationship requires this. For a few months we kept seeing each other and chatting occasionally on Skype and WhatsApp, which worked for us. There's no need to rain on our parade because you don't want that.
"Where is your boyfriend?"
This question comes exclusively from men, and after probing them, what they really want to say is, "If he really loved you, he would take care of you 24/7," or "There's no way he can get back at me, so I Still going to attack you.” (What’s more, they often mean both, since the former claim can be used to support the latter). The first hypothesis comes from the belief that women feel needy and neglected if their partner is not always there for them—and that two people in a relationship cannot be highly independent. The second stems from the view of women as the property of men. Unless there's another man standing in your way, it's perfectly cool to make unwanted advances toward a woman. Because of this misogynistic culture, women will eventually resort to saying "I have a boyfriend" (a phrase I have memorized in Spanish and Italian), whether they do it or not, to get men to leave them. But I've found that even if you do, they'll probably respond, "But he's not here."
"You know that's a date, right?"
The desire to meet new people while traveling is completely normal and understandable, but some people can't imagine the possibility of meeting someone new without dating, especially if that person is a man. One night in Barbados, I went to a club with a guy I met on the beach and his friends, discussed with him that I was in a relationship, and was convinced that he wasn't pursuing anything other than friendship. Later, several people at the hotel where I stayed told me that I was ignorant because I didn't think it was a date. Someone else said: "What's the difference between me and him, you're not going out with me?" Of course, it's possible that the guy on the beach wanted this to be a date (although that's totally unfair to assume) - but the fact is I had a say in that too . If I say it's not a date, it's not a date. Everyone, including women, should be free to engage in any interaction that enhances their travel experience without feeling obligated to anyone.
"One day you're going to want to settle down."
Like the "you'll change your mind" comment that women who don't want children get, this statement assumes that the speaker can predict the future because they know what women want. It is often associated with women's desire for a stable home, partner, and children. But this lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some people want to live their lives without being tied to anyone, and some can maintain relationships and families with a nomadic lifestyle. Can I change my mind? certainly. I can change my mind about anything. But we generally don’t question people’s decisions just because they might change their minds, nor should we treat a woman’s decision to travel alone any differently.
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