Question: I like solo sex, partnered sex, one-night stands, watching porn, reading erotic novels, sexting, taking erotic photos, wearing lingerie, trying toys, etc. My sex life is very important to me, even as a single woman.
I had sown my wild oats and enjoyed it, but I longed for the intimacy and adventure of sex with a man that I could share for more than a few months. I prioritize sexual compatibility (among other qualities of course) in a relationship, but my friends think I'm unrealistic and/or naive. They were almost all in heterosexual relationships lasting five years or more and told me that sex was rare or even unimportant! — part of their relationship. Am I being unrealistic?
A: As a certified womanizer, I understand you. I don't think you are being unrealistic. However, I do think you are being petty... unimaginative.
I suppose you might have the idea that there is a limited number of futures to choose from, in which case you have to choose between "wild oats" and "boring sex," and you're asking me Is there a secret third door? But guess what? There are actually infinite doors.
As a long-term relationship develops, your sex life may change in ways that you end up liking or even preferring. In many ways, I bet it's better.
You try to predict the future, and you make a lot of assumptions: long-term relationships are nothing more than a boring slog (it's not); your friends aren't sexy except for their partners (they're probably reading erotic novels, too!) ;and they shouldn't be happy with their current sex life (they probably are!).
As a long-term relationship develops, your sex life may change in ways that you end up liking or even preferring. In many ways, I bet it's better.
I bet you all eat too much ramen to have sex on Tuesday night and you watch Shogun . You'll have a little thought like, "Ah, this is good." And then you'll spend that weekend at the campground and never leave the tent. That's the way it is.
You're trying to make sure you never have boring sex. I'm sorry to say, my friends, that's true of us all. No matter your relationship status, you will have periods of loneliness or dissatisfaction. There is no way around this problem.
Surprisingly, your best chance of having great sex in the future isn't with the guy who's flipping you over and waking you up at 3 a.m. to go again. Unfortunately, this may disappear. (As we age, running into walls can cause more damage to our knees.)
Because if you think about porn – if you look at the list you wrote! – It’s not just penetrative sex every day and twice on Sundays. It's about being able to communicate with your partner about intimacy and sensuality. Find someone you can talk to about sex, enjoy sharing your fantasies, desires, etc.
You want the foundation of your sex life to be deeper than "we used to have a lot of sex." You want a foundation that says, "When we have a sexual problem, we get creative to solve it because it matters."
Surprisingly, your best chance of having great sex in the future isn't with the guy who's flipping you over and waking you up at 3 a.m. to go again. Unfortunately, this may disappear. (As you get older, hitting your knees gets harder on your knees.) Instead, choose someone with similar values. Someone who thinks about sex the way you do.
All you can do is enter a relationship with an open mind and heart, love the other person well, and if it doesn't work, walk away. This is the best thing any of us can do! That's all!
When I first started dating my boyfriend, I imagined my ideal sex to be "as much as possible." I don't really have any other way to express intimacy or vulnerability, and sex makes me feel validated, so of course I say, "Nonstop sex please!" I sincerely think frequency is a measure of how far our relationship is going .
My boyfriend wisely suggested that we have sex as much as we want. If we hang out but don't have sex, that doesn't mean we don't want each other. It just means we're comfortable enough that we don't need to prove our desires with crazy fingering sessions.
This easier way to have sex came in handy when I had a few serious surgeries after a few years of dating and we were temporarily unable to have sex. We had developed many other forms of intimacy by then, so taking a break from banging wasn't disastrous. It's like, "Can't wait to do it again," rather than "Is our relationship okay? Is it going away?"
You have the ability to leave boring relationships. But life happens. Sexual desire increases and decreases. You're smart enough to know the difference between a lifeless bedroom and a period when sex with the people you truly love isn't as frequent or easy. Hopefully, when this happens, you and your partner have developed the tools and intimacy to discuss it. (Recommended reading: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.)
When you do enter into a relationship, remember that you are still a fully realized, independent sexual being. You can—and I think you should—still masturbate, read erotic stories, buy sexy lingerie, and take sexy photos of yourself. You can still engage in fantasies outside of your partner's, especially if your partner has quirks, behaviors, or positions that they don't like.
Your sexual orientation is not only reserved for your partner, but also for yourself. It's very realistic to expect and demand a partner who understands this.
It's a privilege to be here every other Thursday. If you have sex, dating or relationship questions, please fill out this form.
