There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go all out on Valentine's Day, especially if you're in a new relationship and everything feels new and exciting. But if you and your partner have been together for years and your relationship is strong, then Valentine's Day is no big deal.
According to experts, strong couples often don't feel the need to celebrate this day of love for several reasons. For one, often there seems to be too much pressure to do well. “Many of us, single or in a couple, are going to be a little bit terrified of this [holiday] because we decide that on any random day in the middle of painful, cold February, we’re going to test the strength, effectiveness, or happiness of our relationships Feeling," Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, tells Bustle.
Even if you've been dating for years, sending a cheesy card or a heart-shaped gift can easily miss the mark. But beyond that, there’s the possibility of leaving the comfort of home and bravely hunting for overpriced wine and pasta—and as a long-term couple, who needs that?
Still, it's easy to stock up on Valentine's Day, and it's easy to get caught up in the hype when you're surrounded by hearts, chocolates, and flowers. But as Bralov says, "Couples who are truly secure in their relationships express love, appreciation, and commitment regularly and spontaneously—and many feel no need to prove anything. Their love can be expressed on February 13 or Celebrating on the 15th is as easy and stress-free as Valentine’s Day.”
While it might be fun to grab some roses or a pair of silly Cupid boxers once in a while, there are other days and other ways to celebrate deep love and unwavering commitment to another person, which means giving up the V tradition is That's totally fine - a day if you want.
Here are all the reasons power couples might not want to celebrate Valentine's Day, according to experts.
1. They don’t need to show off their relationship status
With TikTok and Instagram taking over our lives, some new couples may see Valentine's Day as the perfect time to show everyone their relationship status. Because of this, Bralov said, February 14 feels like a performative holiday where people can compare their happiness to others.
However, when you're in a strong relationship, you eventually get to the point where you don't need to shout your love from the rooftops. You and your partner both know you're doing a great job, so you don't feel the need to post a loving photo online.
2. Spontaneous feelings are more interesting
Many long-term couples like to surprise their significant other with gifts and love notes throughout the year, which means Valentine's Day isn't always necessary. A sticky note here, a love note there—these are the moments that end up being cherished and remembered, often far more than a box of drugstore chocolates.
3. The holidays bring unfair stress
Valentine's Day can cause a lot of stress on you, so you might decide to save yourself by skipping the holiday entirely. This way, you don't have to buy each other gifts or make dinner plans just because everyone else is doing it.
After all, "how many long-stemmed roses your partner gives you on Valentine's Day has little to do with your commitment, intimacy, and overall satisfaction in your relationship," says Bralov. At the end of the day, you know you're in love, and that's all that matters.
Our commitment, level of intimacy, and overall satisfaction in your relationship," Bralov said.
4. There are many other special days to celebrate
If you want to celebrate a special moment, you could celebrate the day you met, your first kiss, or when you both finally said "I love you." These days can be marked on the calendar and celebrated between the two of you, sort of like your own personal holidays.
5. They know romantic love isn’t the only love that matters
Self-love is an important element of romantic love. That’s why it’s good to learn how to love yourself before trying to love someone else. Strong couples also understand how difficult it is to practice self-love, so they work to honor it.
You might prefer to spend Valentine's Day apart rather than over-celebrate, no matter how sacrilegious it may be. This is the perfect way to show each other that you both feel safe and value each other's independence.
6. They know friendship is important too
Valentine's Day may also be the best day to visit single friends for Galentine's wedding. Even if you're already in a committed couple, it's important not to forget about your friends, family, and other relationships. To spread the love, you might like to take this day apart to see your bestie. You know you'll be back with each other after all, which makes the day feel refreshing and unique.
7. They know this is not a test of love or commitment
Strong couples often feel so secure that they completely forget that Valentine's Day exists, so they probably won't be upset if the day comes and goes and they realize they completely missed it.
You can laugh it off because you know it's not a sign of your love, or choose to postpone the celebration for a few days and shamelessly redo it. When you truly connect, it's okay to make small mistakes like this.
8. Strong couples know what Valentine’s Day means to them.
That said, you probably already know whether you can both give up your vacation. Talking about holiday expectations becomes easier when you're in a strong, long-term relationship. If one of you likes cheesy moments and silly gifts, you'll totally love it. But it’s okay to admit you’re not a fan.
If you haven't had this conversation yet, set aside some time before Valentine's Day to talk about your expectations. "If there is a strong desire to celebrate in a specific way, partners should communicate that," Bralov said. "Then, like most things, you can negotiate around the holiday and maybe get a better understanding of why Valentine's Day is important."
9. Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a goal
There are many things in life more important than dating on one day of the year. Strong couples know the value of the things that really matter—like your happiness, safety, security, etc.—and they know how lucky they are to have each other. If you are thriving as a couple, spending quality time together, and making an effort to learn more about each other every day, then this is exactly what you need.
10. Sometimes it’s more fun to resist social norms
Something like Counter Valentine's Day with your sweetheart is inherently romantic, which is why Counter Valentine's Day can feel even more perfect for your long-term relationship. Invite friends over for a completely unrelated party, have a horror movie marathon night for two, or just spend your evening like normal. Escape from tradition can be fun.
11. Gifts often weaken their connection
"For some strong couples who value the love and connection they share, putting too much emphasis on gift shopping can take away from the true meaning of the holidays," said Dr. Lindsay Popilskis, a practicing psychologist at Pathways in Rockland County. "
It might feel silly to go out and look for cards or a silver heart necklace just because everyone else is doing it. Popilskis believes that letting go of the material aspects of things can make way for what's truly important in your relationship.
12. They know relationships take more effort
To really make a relationship work, you can't just do good things during the holidays and expect things to work out.
John Carnesecchi, a psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of Gateway to Solutions, says strong couples know that true connection requires daily work.
"Chocolates and flowers don't cement relationships," he tells Bustle. "Love is work, it takes time and patience, it helps in times of conflict and opens the door to open communication." It's also something you have to make an effort on an ongoing basis, not just on Valentine's Day.
13. Today is just like any other day
While a quick card or a hug might be nice, there's no need to go all out on Valentine's Day, especially if you're an established, long-term couple. Regardless, once you get to a certain point, you'll probably be happier staying at home on the couch.
This isn’t the only day you can do nice things for each other, either. "Doing something for your partner or celebrating your love for each other doesn't have to be on a specific day," says Maggie Drake, LMSW, a relationship expert at Cobb Psychotherapy. “Strong couples are committed to celebrating their love in big and small ways throughout the year, not just on one day that society chooses for them.”
source:
Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C, psychotherapist, relationship expert
Maggie Drake, LMSW, relationship specialist at Cobb Psychotherapy
Dr. Lindsay Popilskis, licensed psychologist at Rockland County Pathways
John Carnesecchi, LCSW, CEAP, psychotherapist, founder and clinical director of Gateway to Solutions
