How much do I love The Addams Family ? As I type this, I'm ready to celebrate Halloween with braids in my hair, a Peter Pan collar around my neck, "bitch face" on my face, and a box of Merlot in the kitchen. There is no doubt that I will be celebrating Halloween by rewatching The Addams Family . There's no reason why you shouldn't; this is pretty much the best Halloween movie ever made. Plus, as you get older, you really start to notice certain things about The Adam Family and its ilk.
The Addams Family is a perfect movie. I mean, I'll always aspire to be like Morticia Addams, the queen of goth feminism. So don't worry; I'm not here to outright mock this movie. I'm going to focus on some truly enlightening realizations that came from re-watching this film as a grown woman. most. I mean, snakes always find a way to surface.
To recap, this movie tells the story of "fake" Fester Adams and his "mother" trying to defraud the Addams family out of their fortune. That's all you need to know, if you haven't seen this movie by now, it's your own failure.
So sit back and enjoy this chronological record of all the thoughts you're sure to have when you rewatch The Addams Family.
1. There’s no doubt these confused carolers are annoying, but that doesn’t explain why they sing the carols the wrong way
Normally you'd sing carols to people, and we know The Addams Family has a (rather hungry) gate, so this is just ridiculous musical intrusion.
2. Well, Cuckoo Clock features Gomez kissing Morticia’s breasts
Pugsley was hanged on Wednesday, but one thing at a time.
3. Oh look, just like how I wake up every morning
Elegant red lipstick with a sophisticated lacquer finish.
4. Oh, look at the eternal glow around Morticia’s eyes
Always a radiant dark angel.
5. This woman’s hair is completely round
I realize it's an odd thing to nitpick given the overall aesthetic of this film. But seriously , guys. seriously.
6. The horrifying truth about Adams? they are hoarders
“Uncle Nick Nack’s Winter Wardrobe.”
"Uncle Nick Nack's Summer Wardrobe."
"Uncle Nick Nack."
7. Dr. Brown, what’s wrong with you?
Great Scott!
8. Ah, TV reception in the 90s
9. Well, Grandma pranked Margaret by pretending to rip her hands off, so she did realize they were a little unconventional
It seems Wednesday is the only one taking advantage of their natural fear factor, while Gomez and Morticia seem blissfully unaware of it.
10. Feist’s alma mater is...Alcatraz prison?
What, he got his master's degree in the desert of Maine? What exactly is the Maine Desert? (Update: Apparently, this is just a big chunk of Maine sand.)
11. YOOOOOOOOOO, The Addams Family has loaded
At one point, Gomez made a million-dollar donation, so you're reminded of that early on. But look at their doubloon mini palace.
12. Yes, no, that’s an accurate description of a wine night
“Drinking with my other mom’s brother on Wednesday! #LoveYouGomez #BFF #WineOClock #BoysNightIn #TheNotebook”
13. Wait, do gem finger traps exist?
Google says "no", but I don't know if I believe that.
14. Anyway, they are active in the auction house
Yes, dropping $30,000 on my own fingertips does put me in the mood.
15. The ulcer actually makes his recovery fairly obvious early in the movie
You're not even halfway through the book and he's already digging up a lot of old knowledge from his shiny bald head.
16. This is pretty much the long brown Addams Family tracksuit from 2005 Juicy Couture Tracksuit, right?
correct?
17. Oh great, I’m from Wednesday Adams Middle School
Everyone writes about people they admire...
She was writing about her great-aunt Calpurnia, who, and I quote, "danced naked in the town square and enslaved a priest."
This is basically the same as those "When I grow up, I want to be..." essays I write on Courtney Love.
18. Margaret and Tully had a son who I guess we’ll never see again
I'll be watching Addams Family Values again tonight to check this out, but I'm pretty sure Margaret (spoiler for a 25 year old movie) will be with her and Cousin It's new furball baby appear together in the sequel. So, aside from the horrific logistics of how Baby What was conceived, the child whose father died midway through the film was wiped from the canon.
spooky.
19. How realistic is it that the Addams Family watches a grade school beauty pageant?
Who hasn’t done that collective side-eye gesture?
Don’t act like this isn’t who you were when you attended your niece’s ballet performance last week.
20. Cthulhu?
I think my lamb chop themed bedding is cool.
21. What is the use of stone sofa?
Like, is this a tomb? Is it just something to hang out with?
22. Anyway, this whole sequence means they exploded in the family cemetery
Wow.
23. This Juicy Couture duster seems to have a faint pattern on it
Maybe it's his business casual attire.
24. "Tish, how long has it been since we waltzed?" "Oh, Gomez. Hours."
I mean, whatever. I will die alone.
It doesn't matter.
25. There is no world that is not scary
No.
26. Cousin Itt listens to rap, even though he always makes me think he is a jazz musician
Strange.
27. If only we could do this with all our ex-lovers
28. This movie goes from zero to Oedipus really quickly
Like I know they're not technically related, but I don't have to feel comfortable with that, right?
29. The Addams family constantly tried to murder each other, but when their children disappeared, they were horrified
I know they all love each other but I'm just throwing it out there.
30. How do things read...?
31. “I only like fruits and drinks that are natural, organically grown, and contain no preservatives.”
Not sure if this is sassy Sailor Moon or Buffy the Vampire Slayer harmony.
Or both.
32. So it all ends very Oscar Wilde
Facts have proved that he was not lying from beginning to end! This is basically the importance of ulceration.
33. It’s a bit of a throwback to the original comic!
I mean, the whole movie is full of retro elements, but I loved this comic from my collection of Charles Addams New Yorker cartoons. Holy .
So if that doesn’t convince you to head over to Netflix and relive the horror magic, then go for it! Get out your bottles and get your braids ready!
Image: Paramount Pictures(40)
