We always hear that we can have better sex , better orgasms , or better relationships. But how often do we hear the substance of how to better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle hired sex therapist Vanessa Marin to help us iron out the details. Now, onto today’s topic: sexy domination and submission games in the bedroom.
Q: “I’ve read your guide on asking to be dominated and dominating someone , but I was hoping you could provide more specific advice on power games we can play together. My partner and I have discussed safety, consent, and boundaries etc. We also played with dominance in some pretty gentle ways. We wanted to up the ante and try something a little more intense. Do you have any ideas for role play or bondage play?
Answer: Thank you for your question! There are many different ways to play dominance and submission. Below, you'll find 13 suggestions for dominance/submission play. Keep in mind that dominance and submission are fairly broad categories that mean different things to different people. Some of the games on this list may sound hot; Some may feel they have crossed a line. Discuss these suggestions together to see which ones feel safe and sexy for the two of you. Of course, don’t forget to keep talking about boundaries and safe words. Unless you and your partner are both great communicators and are willing to talk about the ins and outs of safe sex, you can't play these types of games!
1. Cathedral Worship
One of the easiest ways to play around with dominance and submission is to spend an entire evening catering to your Dom. The sub's attention is completely focused on their Dom. The substitute might decorate the room in a way that pleases the Dom, give a full body massage, dress up in the Dom's favorite sexy outfit, perform oral sex, or let the Dom choose exactly what they want at every moment. Submarines don't call attention to themselves.
2. Submit training
This is a very simple game to play when you are just starting to ease into dominance and submission. It's not even a real game, but a set of rules that the substitutes must follow:
- Submarines can only obey orders. They must do everything they are told to do. (Of course, these are all agreed upon in advance.)
- Submarines can't do anything on their own.
- Submarines cannot speak unless spoken to.
- The aide-de-camp is not allowed to make any eye contact unless requested by the Archbishop.
3. Demonstrate your dedication
For those who haven't discussed their boundaries, this is a sexy way to open them up. Ask the substitute to list everything they would do for their Dom. Think about how the sub demonstrates their obedience to the Dom (of course, don't forget that the sub still has their own boundaries). Includes sexual content, such as "allow my Dom to penetrate my anus" or "allow my Dom to wake me up in the middle of the night to have sex." Adverbs can also include non-sexual content, such as "I will wear a collar during the day" or "I will do housework."
4. Choose your punishment
Punishment is one of the foundations of the master/slave relationship. This is one of the simplest yet most effective ways to take your master/sub relationship to the next level. Just like a beginner sub can start out with a list of ways to prove their dedication, they can also list the forms of punishment they'll receive if they step out of line. Here are some ideas for possible penalties for substitutes:
- Spanking with a hand, paddle, belt, whip, or other object.
- Use nipple clamps.
- Not allowed to orgasm.
- No contact of any kind is allowed.
- Get a specific task to perform. It can be explicitly sexual (e.g. oral sex) or not (e.g. doing laundry).
- Certain tasks must be performed from scratch.
- is called by name.
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5. Master, can you
Here's another simple game: Everything the sub does must ask the boss's permission. Even the little things. You can do this in the bedroom, where the sub can ask for permission to do things like take off their clothes, move their body, or touch their Dom. Or try it outside the bedroom, where the agent can ask for permission to use the restroom, eat, or go out.
6. Master, can I come?
You can play a variation of the above game where you force the avatar to ask the Dom for permission to climax. If you climax without permission, you will be punished (see below). The Dom can be more cunning and try to bring the sub to orgasm without giving them permission to do so.
7. Do your chores
The game can be played in one day or continuously. The bishop would assign them specific chores to do. For example, "Spend 30 minutes having oral sex," "Scrub the entire floor on your hands and knees," or "Cook a meal." Depending on how intense you want it to be, the Dom can give them sub-specific standards for how chores must be done. For example, the understudy may need to wear special clothing to perform household chores. Or there may be a set schedule within which chores must be completed by division of labor. The bishop can even check to make sure chores are being done correctly.
8. Get rewards
If the Dom is feeling generous, they can let their subordinates know that if they complete their chores on time and in an appropriate manner, they will receive specific rewards. For example, the sub might have an orgasm, or they might get a gift.
9. Conditional rewards
Doms can exert more power over their replacements by creating attractive "rewards." Substitutes can receive rewards, but at the same time they still need to perform some tasks or penalties. For example, the Dom can allow the sub to take a break to watch TV, but only if they keep the butt plug in place the entire time.
10. Points system
Another fun way to handle chores and rewards is to create a points system. Dom can assign a certain number of points to a specific chore or task. They can then allocate points to earn certain rewards. Just like at the fair, you have to get a certain number of tickets to win a specific prize, and alternates can earn the reward of their choice for their own efforts. This is a great beginner's game because the substitutes can have a lot of say in what they do.
11. Fixed
Not everyone likes restraints, but they can be an incredibly sexy way for a Dom to demonstrate his dominance over his sub. Bishops strapped their subs, immobilizing their hands, feet, or both. This can be done with a restraint system, restraint straps or restraint ropes. When the restraints are released, the Dom takes control.
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12. Role play
You can play the main and secondary characters in a variety of ways. Playing certain characters can release some of your inhibitions and make it easier for you to get into the main/secondary dynamic. Here are just some ideas:
- A king or queen and a humble servant.
- Famous celebrities and personal assistants.
- teachers and students.
- Cops and robbers.
- Detectives and criminals.
- Kidnappers and kidnapping victims.
- Pirates and hapless sailors.
- John and the prostitute.
13. Regular labor
If you want to try out what it's like to play Dom and Sub outside of the bedroom, schedule specific times when the Sub can service the Dom. It could be certain days, or a certain time of day. Come up with your own specifications for what it means for a sub to be "ready." For example, a submarine may have to be prepared to be penetrated at any time. Or they may be asked to sit quietly until commanded.
Have fun and remember, if you start any bondage play, it's crucial to have a conversation around safe words and boundaries first!
