We always hear that we can have better sex, better orgasms, or better relationships . But how often do we hear the substance of how to better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle hired sex therapist Vanessa Marin to help us iron out the details. There are no restrictions on gender, sexual orientation or questions, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: How to help men last longer during sex.
Q: "I've been dating this guy for about two months and now we're in a relationship. We've just started having sex. It's nice. Not great but I know we're still finding our rhythm with each other. The main thing that bothers me It's that he doesn't last long. Three or four minutes at most. My last boyfriend was able to hold himself back for 20 or even 30 minutes sometimes. I miss having sex that lasts longer but. I don’t know how to bring this up without embarrassing him (or myself).”
A: First of all, I'm honored that you recognized that you two needed some time to get used to each other! Once your partner gets over some of the "sleeping with a new person for the first time" jitters (more on that below), your partner will most likely start lasting longer.
Sex therapist and educator Lisa Hochberger, LMSW, says, "Often when a person can't hold on for very long, it has to do with them being so nervous and distracted by things going on in their head that they can't really be in the moment. ” M.D. tells Bustle. The pressures of a new relationship - for example, they won't like you if you don't "stick to it" - "inherently puts a huge amount of pressure on sexual encounters", she said.
Still, there are a lot of things you can do to help make sex last longer. Here are nine tips.
1. Give it time
As I just mentioned, this issue will likely resolve itself over time. Sex with a new partner is almost always nerve-wracking. We have a lot of stereotypes about people with penises, thinking that they are sex demons, but they can be just as anxious about sex as people with vulvas. Nervousness may cause someone to orgasm quickly or make it difficult to achieve or maintain an orgasm.
If you and your new partner have only slept together a few times, be patient. These initial jitters usually go away within a few weeks.
2. Check your expectations
Everyone has different preferences for how they like to have sex, and not everyone shares the same cup of tea—and that includes when they like to have sex. Notably, a 2008 study of sex therapists found that three to seven minutes of sack time was "sufficient," based on their professional opinion. 7 to 13 minutes is considered "ideal."
It's better if you want sex to last closer to 20 minutes, but that's fine if your partner wants sex to last less than 20 minutes. It's important to discuss the differences in your desires and what compromises you can make to ensure you're both happy.
If you know after the session that both of you want to extend the game, continue with the tips below, but be aware that a game of an hour or longer may not be the end of it for your partner.
3. Take your time
If you're in a new relationship with your partner, be compassionate when bringing up the idea of extending your time in bed. This can be a big source of anxiety for people, especially in a new relationship: imagine how you'd like them to talk about any sexual difficulties you 're having.
Once you build trust in your relationship, it will be easier to be honest with each other about what each other wants in bed. I suggest saying something like, "I love having sex with you. I never want it to end. Sometimes it's fun to go fast, but do you think we could try something else that's longer?" If your partner says they don't know how to last longer For a long time, or if you're worried there's something else at play, I'd recommend seeing a doctor or sex therapist. (May I humbly point you in the direction of my program, The Modern Man’s Guide to Overcoming Performance Pressure?)
4. Mix it up
Now let's turn to some practical tips for making sex last longer. Many heterosexual couples spend a few minutes engaging in foreplay and then continue intercourse until completion. I don't like the word "foreplay" because it implies that these activities must precede intercourse, like an appetizer (can anyone suggest an alternative? "interaction"? Or just "play"?).
By adjusting the order of certain activities that are usually part of your sex life, you can make things last longer. Take a break from penetrative sex (or whatever your default activity is) and get back to "foreplay." Here's an example of a session: Spend some time giving each other erotic massages. Keep working on your craft. Start having sex. Go back to your handiwork. Back to intercourse. Continue with oral sex. Masturbate in front of your partner until you reach orgasm. Back to intercourse. Then eat them with your mouth. Changing things up this way is fun in the moment (it's so hot to not know what's going to happen next!) and adds surprises to your sex life.
5. ...and encourage your partner to mix up their strokes too
Many penetrative sex partners tend to default to hard, fast, and deep penetration during intercourse as a surefire way to reach orgasm quickly. It's best to blend your strokes. Aim for a few quick strokes followed by a few long, slow, shallow strokes. If you're on the bottom, grab their hips and say, "I want you to go slower. As slow as you can." Or try, "I want to feel your whole penis moving in and out of me. Pull in as far as you can." Pull that far." Alternatively, you can show them you mean it by assuming a position of responsibility for you, such as the C-suite.
6. Suggest the best location
You can also suggest specific positions to help your partner slow down and focus on longer, shallower thrusts. Some sex positions are easier to maintain for longer, including those that don't go too deeply, or those that you can control. Here are some positions I recommend:
- spoon
- side by side
- cross
- Improved doggy style
- woman on top
- lotus
- sit on the chair
Click through to see a full description of each, as well as some exciting variations to try.
7. Play with red light and green light
If your partner is too close to orgasm, take a break to calm down. A very popular way to take a break is to play the adult version of Red Light, Green Light. Tell your bed partner beforehand that you want to play a game. Whenever one of you says "red light," both of you must stop what you are doing and remain completely still until the same person yells "green light." If you feel them starting to approach, say "red light." This game can make taking a break feel like a very sexy, taunting tease.
8. Use toys
Another great way to make recess feel sexy is to bring in some toys. Let your partner take a breath and then pull out a vibrator for you to use. If you like the feeling of penetration, ask them to continue penetrating you with their fingers or a penis-shaped vibrator.
9. Try external courses
In my sex therapy practice, I work with many men who have penises who want their penises to last longer. One of my favorite tips to give them when they need a break is to pull out and rub the head of their penis against their partner's clitoris or perineum. This is a great tip for a number of reasons. It allows the penetrating partner to take a break and lower their arousal level. But you're not just sitting there feeling embarrassed, you're doing something very erotic. Not only that, it gives the recipient some much-needed and appreciated kick. Is there a better example of a win-win than this?
Research citations:
Bugla, D., & Ahmed, S. (2008). Perceptions of 1,000 Canadian and American sex therapists assessed on normal and abnormal ejaculation latency: How long should sexual intercourse last? F1000 - Post-publication peer review of biomedical literature . Number: 10.3410/f.1118820.583976
expert:
Lisa Hochberger, LMSW, MD, sex therapist and educator
