Q: I am a single woman in my 30s. I've attended about three dozen weddings over the past decade, the vast majority of which required airfare and hotels. I usually write a check for $100 to $200 per couple. I can't remember the last time a wedding cost less than $1,000. (This doesn’t include buying clothes, shoes, or getting your nails or hair done. I don’t consider those to be part of the wedding expenses; they’re all optional, in my mind.) I started to resent these expenses. I put money into attending a friend’s wedding. How do I overcome it? Should I do something different at the next wedding I attend?
A: This dilemma is very #relatable. I totally understand your frustration when money—and the seemingly consistent financial expectations that come with wedding invitations—come into play.
Yes, a wedding can cost guests a fortune. There's nothing wrong with buying an outfit or getting your nails done if it makes you feel your best. You deserve to look sexy too! Add these costs to the cost of your trip to the wedding, a night (or nights) at the location, and the cost of cash gifts. You'll feel like you're spending all your money on other people's activities, which makes sense.
I think we can all agree that no one cares about the wedding as much as the newlyweds. I do believe, however, that you should consider whether you're unhappy with the money you're spending, or if you're unhappy with a friend who's spending it for you.
Ask yourself: Are they showing up for you in ways that matter to you? If marriage was the future you envisioned for yourself, do you think this person would spend the same amount of money on your wedding? How would you feel if they spent less? Will they now celebrate you and your milestones as a single?
This might mean they always buy you a thoughtful birthday gift, express their pride when you approach a new place, or give you a bottle of sparkling wine when you land a new job. It could also mean that they support you in ways that have nothing to do with money.
Maybe you're resentful because you don't think they'll celebrate you in a similar way. Let's face it: Singles don't have many opportunities to get as warm a welcome as they do on their wedding day.
If you want to go to a wedding but sigh at the thought of stuffing a check into an envelope, don't underestimate the wedding registry. You may be able to buy a few smaller things for less than you normally spend. Add a thoughtful card and you're golden. You could also choose something small and meaningful, like a monogrammed pillowcase or a recipe for a meal you made when you were a roommate in college. In some cases, especially destination weddings, couples may say they are not expecting gifts.
If the date does involve travel, find ways to ease the financial burden, such as saving credit card points for a hotel room or splitting the cost with another friend.
Maybe you’ll do some extra budgeting and reflection before you check “yes” on the invitation. Maybe you choose to redirect your wedding expenses into a savings goal, such as an account for a house down payment or a vacation. Maybe you’ll create a personal rule about how many destination weddings you can have each year.
Ultimately, you can say no if you think the fee will make you hostile toward your friend. Saying "no" to this financial commitment can be a form of self-care. If it's a close friend who might be surprised, call them and explain. You can always offer to take them out for dinner or drinks to celebrate.
Remember, if your friend gets mad because you bought them some silverware and kitchen towels instead of handing out a few Benjamins, they're probably not a good friend at all.
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