Have you ever sent a few texts to see if anyone would like to get together, but they didn't respond and you thought, "Wow, no one wants to hang out with me"? This is the perfect time to evaluate your relationship and consider whether your friend is just busy, or if they're ignoring you for other reasons.
If someone's lack of response becomes a trend, it could be a sign that your friendship is growing apart. "This happens when you grow in different directions, no longer have much in common, or your schedules fall out of sync," psychologist and friendship expert Erin S. Levine, Ph.D., tells Bustle. There may also be underlying hurt feelings that need to be discussed. Unless you talk about it, you won't know why your friend doesn't want to hang out -- or if this is a temporary or permanent condition.
Of course, it's also possible that someone's lack of desire to hang out has nothing to do with you or your vibe and everything to do with them. "A lot of people know themselves and how many friends they can keep up with," says therapist Rebecca Rawczak, LICSW. If new acquaintances keep canceling plans at the last minute, that's probably what's going on.
As psychotherapist Dorlee Michaeli, LCSW, tells Bustle, you'll know you've met a true friend when they support you, listen to you, and are equally invested in getting together. There's no use forcing companionship, especially with someone who doesn't invite you out, text you back, or otherwise treat you well. If anything on the list below rings alarm bells, it might be time to adjust your expectations, focus on yourself, and consider what you're willing to accept in a friendship.
1. They always bring a third wheel
If you're expecting a friend to show up alone, you might be quite shocked when they show up with a mysterious third party. Of course, they might just want you two to meet. But if they keep bringing in uninvited guests without asking, Levine said, it could be a sign they're trying to "water down the relationship." In other words, they may no longer be invested in the friendship.
If this keeps happening, the best thing to do is to be honest about your feelings. This might spark a much-needed discussion about why your friend never wants to hang out with you.
2. You are the one who makes all the plans
Note that if you're the only one reaching out to make plans, as Levine says, it may be a sign that you're not hanging out with "your people." It's important to remember that people get busy and go through stages of life, so it's not a big deal if a few Saturdays go by and they don't ask to meet up. However, if it feels like no one is contacting you regularly, take that as a sign that this particular friend group might not be the right fit for you.
3. They send your call to voicemail
Not everyone is a "phone person," but if your friend almost always ignores your calls, that's another sign, says relationship expert Dr. Brenda Wade. "People change over time, including friends," she tells Bustle. "Old friends may no longer want what you want." This may mean that they are no longer willing to invest the time and effort enough to even pick up the phone.
What's the best way to handle it? Match their energy and reduce the number of contacts and see if that makes a difference. "You have the ability to move a friendship from intense to warm," Wade said. See if you feel better if you only talk occasionally. who knows? Friendships may be rekindled once you give them a little breathing room.
4. You can’t pinpoint the date
This question is confusing because it often involves a friend who acts like he wants to hang out, but never actually does. This is the type of person who suggests coffee and movie night but then fails to make solid plans. If this habit continues, this is another opportunity to give them space. "Step back and let your friend take the initiative," Levine said. "Sometimes even very good friends need a break from each other."
5. They give vague excuses when canceling reservations
Consider how your friends have canceled plans. Do they have a valid reason? Or is it just one vague excuse after another? "If they give you a strong reason to cancel, like they have another friend visiting from out of town, then one or two could be a coincidence," Rachak said. "But if they repeatedly give you vague reasons like 'I'm busy' or 'I already have plans,' then they are either a) a covert agent of an international spy agency or b) not sufficiently interested in hanging out. Make time for it.”
6. They seem outdated
Let's say you do get together, but 20 minutes have passed and your friend hasn't looked up from her phone. Sure, they might be busy dealing with something terrible, but it's also possible that they're not exactly interested in partying.
According to Levine, some friends exhibit this behavior when they feel burned out, whether it's about life or friendships. Friendship burnout occurs when one person becomes too dependent on another person to meet all of their needs. It could also mean that they are not interested in maintaining contact, at which point you can say goodbye to them.
7. All your fleets fail
Since not everyone is super chatty, that's cool if you prefer a quieter party. But if your chat friend suddenly doesn't want to talk, it may actually reflect something about your relationship. Levin said fleets often fail when a person is just hanging out to help, rather than because they are truly engaged. It sucks to think this way, but it might help explain what's going on. Discussing it with your friends is the best solution. If you both agree it's not worth the effort, it can save you both a lot of heartache and a lot of wasted time.
8. You didn’t receive an invitation
While they may be bad at organizing and accidentally leave some people out, if your friends get together for a party but don't invite you, take it as a sign. "A lot of people use partying to deepen their relationships," Rachak says. It's hard not to take it personally, but know that you'll feel more connected when you're with a friend or group of friends who won't exclude you. happy.
If this happens to you or someone close to you, try to turn the situation around. Throw your own party and invite a group of people. "You might be surprised by who shows up, which is a strong indication that they're interested in getting to know you better outside of your shared interests," says Rachak.
9. They make rude remarks
Does it feel like this person is being rude for no reason? Michaeli says this could be their way of driving a wedge between you (consciously or unconsciously), possibly to stop you from hanging out again.
This is not something you want to stick with anyway. "Rudeness is a form of emotional abuse that slowly erodes your sense of self," she said. “The cumulative effect of belittling can be long-lasting and difficult to treat.”
10. Their needs always come first
Are your needs never met in your friendship? "Getting second with your friends is another red flag that it's over," Micheli said. "While you may sometimes need to provide more for your friends, you shouldn't always put your needs aside for theirs." This is a clear sign that this person doesn't really want to hang out and/ Or invest in a relationship because real hanging out is mutually satisfying.
11. They take a long time to text back
If your friends aren't feeling it, you might just keep reading. "They may not respond to texts, phone calls, or any kind of communication," LMHC therapist Stephanie Moir tells Bustle. "Some people may even block you on social media." This is one of the more obvious signs and should prompt you to invest your energy in others.
12.You have begun to withdraw
Also look for changes in yourself, such as you no longer telling this person stories or life dynamics, or you stop telling them as much about what’s going on in your field. You may have sensed that they won't reciprocate, Micheli said. So why bother?
13. Teams spend a lot of time traveling between teams
Your friendship may go weeks, months, or even years without speaking and then pick up right where you left off. However, if this person is less than enthusiastic about hanging out, you'll find that your conversations will become increasingly distant—and when that happens, the conversations won't be dynamic or interesting. "They may not want to tell you what they've been doing lately," says psychotherapist Shagoon Maurya (Mass.).
14. They’re active on social media…but don’t text back
Another reason why someone may seem "missing" is that they have a very busy life, are going through a rough time, or are overwhelmed. But if you see them going viral on social media, pay attention, Moria said. If they're active elsewhere but can't seem to reply to you or hang out, that's a clear sign that they're just not that interested.
15. They don’t ask questions
While this can also be a sign of selfishness on the part of a friend, someone who is deliberately keeping their distance will not ask questions when you are talking. "Even if you manage to talk to them or see them, they are not interested in talking or are not expressive," Moria said. They don’t want to hear about your life or ask what you’re doing.
16. Their messages are very short
Psychologist Danielle Selvin Harris says you can even tell your friends don't want to hang out anymore by the way they text. Are their replies super boring? Will they give a one-word answer? "Not continuing the conversation is another passive way of trying to end a friendship by cutting off communication," she tells Bustle. "They might just want you to take the hint and stop trying to talk to them."
17. You feel exhausted
Don't be surprised if you feel exhausted from thinking about the friendship, feeling rejected, or wondering why they don't want to hang out, says therapist Meredith Waller, LCSW. She points out that no friendship is easy, but the ones that are worthwhile will make you feel energized most of the time.
What's the best thing to do if you notice these signs? After talking to your friends, giving them space, and thinking about what you're looking for, you may want to cut your losses. "It's important to respect our self-worth by only allowing people into your life who contribute something to your life," Waller says. That includes people who won't let you sit at home alone.
expert:
Dr. Erin S. Levine , Friendship Expert
Rebecca Rawczak, LICSW, Therapist
Dorlee Michaeli, MBA, LCSW, Psychotherapist
Dr. Brenda Wade, Relationship Expert
Stephanie Moir, MA, CRC, LMHC, Therapist
Massachusetts Shagoon Peacock
Danielle Selvin Harris, PsyD, LMFT, Psychologist
Meredith Waller, MSW, LCSW, Therapist
