So you've crafted a textual masterpiece. Maybe you even had one of your friends proofread it for content and correct emoji usage. Everything is ready: your confession of love, your invitation to the Saturday night party, your simple response to the kindest message ever. But you can't hit send. You're not the only one who feels anxious about texting, and science shows the reason you're procrastinating on texting has everything to do with brain chemistry.
"When I think about unread text messages or emails, a few things come to mind: fear of rejection, abandonment, and judgment," psychotherapist Lillyana Morales tells Bustle. "Humans are naturally social creatures, but when anxiety creeps in and forces a person into fight or flight mode, something as simple as a text message can suddenly be seen as a threat."
Diana Anzaldua, LMSW, tells Bustle that because you want to avoid perceived threats, you generally want to avoid unread messages as well. "This avoidance behavior is a form of escapism and feelings of panic by ignoring the information," she said. These feelings only increase as the number of unread messages increases, increasing your "social anxiety and social rejection from having to wait for a reply."
When your anxiety over texting starts to mount, the likelihood of rejection seems high, Anzaldua says. "Waiting for a text or email reply may lead someone to jump to conclusions about 'how my message was delivered, did I hit send, was I rude, did I send it to the right person, my message Does it make sense? Oh my gosh, why am I posting this?'" If your reaction is to panic while waiting by your phone, you're not alone.
However, waiting by your phone can make the device your best friend and worst enemy, according to a 2016 study published in the journal Computational Human Behavior. The study concluded that even when being connected to your phone feels like a burden, the psychological validation from incoming text messages is still something many people rely on.
Perhaps ironically, this precise sense of confirmation may be the reason you hesitate to send a text message in the first place: What if the other person doesn't respond quickly? What if they don’t respond at all? Or, worst of all, what if you could see the notification they read and texted but haven't responded yet?
Morales told Bust that when you start thinking about the possibilities, it may help to find the source of the spiral. "Ask yourself questions like, 'Why am I anxious about reading or texting this person?' and 'What are the best, worst, and most likely scenarios for opening or sending this message?'" If you're doing terrible If you press send and don't get the response you want, you might still think that you're missing out on that important desire for validation. But even when that happens, Morales says, "it's important to allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions, including happiness, anger, sadness, fear and excitement" and not feel ashamed for feeling these things.
Positive social reinforcement, including receiving text messages, increases dopamine production, according to a 2010 study published in the journal Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. So even if you don't respond to a text message, your body wants to receive more texts. But here’s the thing: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that’s released when you feel good, and it makes you want to repeat the feel-good behavior over and over again. According to a 2013 study published in the journal Behavioral Brain Research, dopamine's stimulating effect is greatest when rewards are unpredictable and uncertain. So when you put off sending a reply, your procrastination is most likely not about actually sending a reply, but rather a fear of a reply (or lack thereof). This unpredictability is exactly what your body is well suited for: Your dopamine levels indicate that the greater the perceived risk, the greater the reward. And the more likely you are to procrastinate before sending or opening a text message at night.
It's not all doom and gloom with text messages, though. A 2018 study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior found that romantic partnerships and friendships develop significantly when you and your person have similar texting styles. Research concludes that if all parties involved prefer quick responses, the relationship is less likely to be fraught with anxiety. Likewise, everyone will be happier if all parties involved are reluctant to text too much, or don't mind longer intervals between replies.
However, when texting styles don't match, anxiety can peak. This is when you can develop strategies to reduce your anxiety and create a plan of action. "Spend a few minutes every day answering emails and texts," Anzaldua tells Bustle. "Choose half-hour blocks of time throughout the day to respond to emails and text messages. This way, if you're obsessed with it in that moment, you'll reduce the anxiety of responding immediately and delay responding/reading messages for the designated time."
That way, no matter how many times you check your phone a day, you'll know what's expected of you (and your friends will know what's expected of you, too). Because according to a 2018 Computer in Human Behavior study, being out of sync with your employees on texting style can lead to relationship breakdown and individual mental health.
So the stress of sending a text may actually stem from your body's underlying reaction to receiving a reply, or lack thereof. Perhaps this is why people seem to be so receptive to text-based mental health interventions: web-based apps, hotlines, and guaranteed and fast responses from doctors seeking to provide people with a mental health outlet make these services both popular and effective. A 2016 study published in the journal Psychiatric Research.
If you're on the fence about sending text messages, it's a good idea to check with your person or your friends about their texting style. "If you feel comfortable enough with your loved one, it might be worth expressing that you're having trouble with messaging right now and that there may be delays in communicating with them," Morales tells Bustle. "It might help in the future. You, take the guesswork out of it and get your texting dopamine boost without as much anxiety. Texting is difficult because communication is difficult, but you've done it. [Insert supportive emoji here. ] You did. No matter where you are in your texting journey, Morales reminds you to do one crucial thing: "Be kind to yourself."
Research references:
Trub, L. (2016) The paradox of phone attachment: development and validation of the Youth Phone Attachment Scale (YAPS). Computer Applications in Human Behavior, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563216305404.
Krach, S. (2010) The rewarding nature of social interaction. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2889690/.
Anselme, P. (2013) Evolutionary implications of dopamine, motivation, and gambling behavior. Brain Behavior Research, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23896052.
Ohadi, J. (2018) I just texted to say I love you: Partner similarities in texting and relationship satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563217305125?_rdoc=1&_fmt=high&_origin=gateway&_docanchor=&md5=b8429449ccfc9c30159a5f9aeaa92ffb#!.
Watson, T. (2016) Text messaging interventions for people with mental health disorders, including substance abuse: a systematic review. Psychiatry Research, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27423123.
expert:
Lillyana Morales, MS in Mental Health Counseling, Psychotherapist
Diana Anzaldua, LMSW, Austin Trauma Treatment Center
