I am 28 years old and have never seen Mulan until recently. "But you grew up in the golden age of Disney cartoons!" My friends would say, "You're an anti-feminist monster!" Woohoo, let's not get out of control. "Mulan" came out when I was 12, at the point where I was "too old" to watch cartoons in theaters. I understand now that this is crazy, because I watched Inside Out this summer and cried uncontrollably for at least half the movie. However, for some reason I didn't see Mulan when it first came out, and it never appeared on my TV again for the next 17 years.
Now that I've seen it, part of me is really glad I didn't see it all these months ago. I know the movie is about a young woman overcoming society's expectations of her, but many of the catchy songs are about why women are considered inferior to men. In addition to the songs, Mulan also has some of the funniest visual jokes in Disney history. The animation, especially the scenery, is stunning, and Mulan is by far the baddest of all the Disney women. She's not a "princess," she's a warrior, and an incredible warrior at that. The thought of her retrieving the arrow from the pole excited me. I digress.
This is what I thought when I first watched "Mulan" at the age of 28:
1. OMG I miss the old Disney animations
This is Lion King level shit.
2.Yo, these Huns are no joke
Sorry, I dreamed about their glowing yellow eyes.
3. Mulan is left-handed!
For some reason, this makes total sense.
4. Mulan’s dog was dug entirely from above
squirrel!
5. Bringing glory to the family through marriage is bull
Man, they really like to hammer this point home by expounding a lot on women not to talk out of turn and submit to their men.
6. Now I wish this movie didn’t have a love story
It's not that Mulan wasn't worthy of love or anything... I just think it would have been more impactful if she had gone through all this crap and finally emerged as a single, independent woman. . You know, teach kids that a woman's worth is not determined by her relationship with a man.
7. Disney may or may not have a problem with obese women
First Ursula, now this. I think if you're a woman and you're fat in a Disney movie...you're a villain.
8. "Reflection" is completely Mulan's "Part of Your World"
Love yourself, girl.
9. Is this a conversation about Late Bloom?
Looks like a little late to the game, pop.
10. Her parents don’t chase her at all? !
Really cold.
11. Why does her ancestor sound like Linda Richman?
What are these accents? I'm confused.
12. Shan is Khal Drogo
If only he had a Khaleesi to straighten his ass.
13. This movie is killing with the Zingers
“They are so disgusting”
"No, they're men."
14. Li Shang is responsible for so many sexual awakenings
The excessive toplessness happened and I didn't complain.
15. Mulan needs to learn how to spit from Rose DeWitt Bukater
If she can teach Yankees, she can teach you too!
16. There are many different “manly” behaviors at boot camp
Have this and then...
this. Whatever floats your boat, folks.
17. I wonder if this is how Beijing trains for the opening ceremony
Because this is serious military precision.
Are you in Mushu?
18. Qian Bao is my son
He's all, "I don't care what she wears or what she looks like, it all depends on what she cooks: beef, pork, chicken..." I'm with you, Po. How your partner cooks and eats does matter.
19. The photo on Zhifu’s desk is hilarious
This is probably the best part of the entire movie. I'm dying.
20. Well, this is the worst song in the universe
I bet the "masculinists" would take this song seriously.
21. Oh, they killed Li Shang’s father instead
I wonder when the dead parents thing is going to happen. Disney lied to me from the beginning, I thought Mulan's dad had a heart attack while preparing for the war...those liars. Sorry, I hid in the corner and cried.
22. This is why I don’t go skiing
This scene is really horrible and not good.
23. This scenario doesn’t work either
I'm Patrick. We are all Patrick. Serious writer? Are you going to rip off her clothes and push her out into the cold so everyone knows she's a woman? violation.
24. There’s more cross-dressing in “Mulan” than in “She’s a Man”
Harvey Fierstein agrees!
Calm down, Ms. Ghost.
25. Take a bow, bitches.
Flawless.
26. She should have this job at the Emperor’s Council
That would be more progress!
27. Um, is she still looking for her dad’s approval?
Girl, you saved China.
28. Grandma is a rude monster
Da ah ah.
Too much.
Overall, I understand why so many people like this movie. There are some great characters, there are some surprising celebrity voices (George Takei FTW), a killer action sequence, and some super catchy songs. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a cricket with which I can befriend.
Image: Disney(3), Giphy 25
