Let the record be clear: I am a firm supporter of anyone who wants an engagement ring—and that includes both men and women. As a recently engaged heterosexual woman, I weigh in: I gave my newly engaged fiancé a ring, too. Spoiler alert – it’s awesome.
How many men in the United States wear engagement rings? It's not entirely clear yet. A 2014 survey put the figure at about 5 percent, and the media reaction to actress Skylar Astin wearing an engagement ring showed that people are still uncomfortable with the idea of heterosexual men wearing engagement rings. surprise. Based on my own recent experience, I think it's time for more men to consider this as an option.
American tradition dictates that only the woman in the engaged couple wears a ring, preferably a diamond, preferably given to her as a surprise. (Tradition also dictates that every engaged couple must have a boy and a girl, but as luck would have it, one of the couples was about to call it quits.) This never made sense to me. In fact, it seems extremely unfair and a bit sexist.
Why are women marked "off the market" but men are not? It puts all the control in the man's hands and all the attention and judgment on the woman's ring finger. It also assumes that all women want to wear engagement rings and all men don't.
In this day and age, engagement is not just something a man initiates and a woman gratefully seizes on. These are two people, both full participants in their relationship, openly committed to each other for the long term. What better way to prove this than by having both partners wear rings?
That's the theory. Now my fiancé and I are putting it into practice. It's even better than we expected, and here's why:
1. It’s a good practice for the real thing
I wore the ring every day for years. My fiancé doesn’t have one yet – and he’s super nervous about wearing a ring for the rest of his life! He asked me a lot of questions: Should I really be wearing it 24/7? What happens when you wash your hands? What about typing? bath? swim? Dance? Sleep? Having an engagement ring allows him to answer these questions for himself without the pressure of it being a wedding ring he must wear forever. He calls it a "practice ring" and I really like it.
2. We all want to go shopping
With two rings available for purchase, we couldn't pass it up. There’s a nasty cultural message about heterosexual weddings: It’s a woman’s show, and men passively—even unwillingly—participate in it. Initially, I believed my fiancé was just messing with me because I dragged him to the jewelry store. But it turns out he was having a lot of fun! While I indulged my love for all things sparkly, he had to figure out his own jewelry taste and style. It was also interesting to see the reaction of the salesperson when we said we were buying two engagement rings. (My favorite reaction: “Awesome!”)
3. We can have some fun with design
We want our wedding rings to last a lifetime. They are sturdy, simple, lightweight and easy to resize. In other words, a little boring! It would be a shame if this was the only ring my fiancé designed or wore. In contrast, we feel no need to make our engagement rings long-lasting or permanent. This meant he could get creative and consider "impractical" design elements, such as fancy finishes or less hard stones - both of which would end up on his ring!
4. It reminds us that we are equal
We are equal partners in the relationship and having two engagement rings definitely fits that. From the moment we met, our dynamic felt natural and right. But building a committed relationship also means addressing money, career, health, housework, family, sex, and more. We do a lot of work to keep the balance of power in our relationship...well, balanced. Whenever we peek at each other's rings (which we do often), we're reminded that we are truly together.
5. We have a bit of tradition without being bound by it
If this experience taught me anything, it's that the engagement tradition persists for a reason. It's a difficult step in life, and it's comforting to have a roadmap of how things should go. We could have thrown the map out the window and skipped the engagement ring entirely, but that just wasn't right for us. So we picked the elements we liked and tweaked them: We bought each other’s rings, and then we each got down on one knee and proposed. It’s a little traditional, a little unconventional, but it works well for us.
You probably won't see men wearing engagement rings in jewelry ads, but it's an idea worth exploring. So far so good for me and my friend.
Image: Zoe Finson
