Imagine an unsuspecting single friend swiping on Hinge or Tinder, spotting a familiar face, realizing they discovered your partner on a dating app, and nearly dropping their phone. They quickly send a screenshot of their profile your way, and just like that, you discover that your relationship isn't as strong as it seems.
"When you first find your partner on a dating platform, thoughts automatically start racing through your head, and you can't help but think of the worst-case scenario," Mariah, dating expert and vice president of Dating.com Maria Sullivan said. Busy.
Stephanie, 27, didn't want to wait to process these feelings. When her best friend tells her that she found Stephanie's partner on a dating app, she immediately decides to confirm her worst suspicions. "I logged into her account and messaged him as her for a while and then asked if we could text," she said. "I wanted to make sure it was actually him and not just someone using his photo."
Experts say discovering a partner's dating profile most often causes shock and disbelief, followed by disbelief. While some cases may actually be the result of identity theft or a deactivated account, for Stephanie, her fears were confirmed. "He shared his phone number, and sure enough, it was my then-boyfriend's phone number," she recalled. "It's really heartbreaking. We've been dating for almost two years and I don't think there's anything wrong or that I shouldn't trust him."
Sullivan says it can take a while to build a sense of mutual trust in your relationship, but this disruption can be a major setback.
For Melissa, 26, meeting her partner on a dating app burst the bubble of her seemingly idyllic relationship. She lives with her partner, they have met each other's families and are making plans for the future. But one day, while he was showing her something on his computer, a Tinder notification popped up. Melissa's partner panicked.
"What really bothered me was that he seemed like the perfect boyfriend," she said. "He and I spent our free time, holidays and weekends together but were still on the phone looking for potential flings." When someone's online activity directly contradicts their real-life persona, it's easy to feel cheated or "Being played with". Genevieve, 27, experienced a similar confusion when her colleague found her partner while browsing the app. "I really never imagined that he could or would think of cheating on me, let alone pursue that opportunity on a dating app," she said. "This sounds very dramatic, but it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. It felt like a breach of trust and a boundary being crossed."
Sullivan believes that browsing dating apps in a relationship is a form of microcheating, or a smaller breach of trust that can lead to infidelity. Even if your partner isn't using their dating app account to cheat on you, keeping a secret means a lack of honesty and communication. Additionally, using an account to "look around" may indicate a lack of commitment to your relationship.
There's only one way to know for sure: by opening up a conversation with your partner about what you're seeing and how it makes you feel. If your partner gets angry when you try to start a conversation or outright tries to deny your accusations, you may have reason to worry, Sullivan says. Your partner may try to inflame you by deflecting blame and making you feel like you are the one at fault.
Their partner's dating profile isn't just a blow to their confidence, it's a permanent breach of their trust.
"[My boyfriend] said he let a friend use his account but couldn't give a good explanation as to why his friend would share my boyfriend's phone number," Stephanie said. "He then got angry at me for 'snooping and stalking' because that's what manipulative people do when they're caught." Likewise, when Genevieve tried to seek answers, her partner refused Her phone later claimed his profile was out of date. "None of that is true, of course, but the why and the timing don't matter at the time," she said.
If you catch your partner using a dating app, Sullivan recommends taking a few deep breaths first to clear your mind and focus. As you make space to examine your feelings and thoughts, communicate this process to your partner. "Starting with a conversation between you and your partner is the first step, and if they don't respond well to it, it may be time for couples therapy," Sullivan says.
Of course, it's always okay to walk away if your partner is behaving in a way that feels controlling or if you can't rebuild what was broken. Genevieve and Stephanie broke up on the spot, and Melissa ended the relationship a year later. For all three, their partner's dating profile wasn't just a blow to their confidence, it was a permanent breach of their trust.
expert:
Maria Sullivan, Dating Expert and Vice President of Dating.com
